Thursday, July 31, 2014

Morris had been playing golf for years and he had the finest golfing equipment, but his technique never improved a bit.

As his friend watched, he teed up at the first hole and promptly drove a brand-new ball into the woods. On the second hole, he drove another new ball into a lake. On the third, he lost a new ball in another part of the woods.

"Why don't you use an old ball?" his friend Sam asked.

"I've never had an old ball," Morris said.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. 

"Let's set some parameters," the professor said. "What's the opposite of joy?" he asked one student. 

"Sadness," he replied.

"The opposite of depression?" he asked another student. 

"Elation," he replied. 

"The opposite of woe?" the professor asked a young woman from Texas. 

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddyup."

Monday, July 28, 2014

Why did the donut seller retire?

He was fed up with the hole business.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

A woman frantically calls the fire department to report a fire in the neighborhood. 

The dispatcher asks, "Well, lady how do we get there?"

Confused she replies, "Don't you still have those big red fire trucks?"

Saturday, July 26, 2014

"How come you're late?" asks the bartender as the waitress walks in the door. 

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank goodness, I took that first aid course -- all my training came back to me in a flash." 

"What did you do?" asks the bartender. 

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

Friday, July 25, 2014

A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up, and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the forest and they might fly down and eat you!" 

The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly at the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly the mother saw a light far back. 

"Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?" 

"I did," admitted the youngster. 

"You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you disobey?" 

"Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Why couldn't the sesame seed leave the gambling casino?
Because he was on a roll.

Wednesday, July 23, 2014

On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.

The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no 'I' in the word `marriage.'" 

The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband's spelling."

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Monday, July 21, 2014

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. 

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!" 

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

Sunday, July 20, 2014

A young polar bear asks his father, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

The father bear responds, "Well, son, I am all polar bear, your mother is all polar bear, your grandparents, even your great grandparents are 100% polar bear. So yes, son, you are 100% polar bear. Why do you ask?"

The young polar bear replies "Because I am really cold."

Saturday, July 19, 2014

A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodations so they produce photos of their 45 foot-long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided.

"We've employed an Oxford professor who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and IT skills".

There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing.

"Our full time nanny is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet", they reply.

So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for.

"It doesn't really matter", they say, "as long as he fits in the cannon".

Friday, July 18, 2014

One morning Tom was called to pick up his son at the school nurse's office. When he walked through the main entrance, he noticed a woman, curlers in her hair, wearing pajamas. "Why are you dressed like that?" he asked her. 

"I told my son," she explained, "that if he ever did anything to embarrass me, I would embarrass him back. He was caught cutting school. So now I've come to spend the day with him!"

Thursday, July 17, 2014

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. 

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay...."

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

A five-dollar bill walks into a bar.

Bartender says, "Get outta here! We don't serve your type. This is a singles bar."

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" 

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"

Monday, July 14, 2014

A boy, frustrated with all the rules he had to follow, asked his father, "Dad, how soon will I be old enough to do as I please?" 

The father answered immediately, "I just don't know, son. No male has ever lived that long yet."

Friday, July 11, 2014

Where do you find a dog with no legs? 

Right where you left him. 

Thursday, July 10, 2014

This eight-year-old kid says to his dad, “When I grow up, I want to be a musician.”

The dad says, “I'm sorry, son -- you can’t have it both ways.”

Tuesday, July 8, 2014

An elderly woman was brought to the ER with a fractured hip. The ER doctor knew that surgery would be in order for the patient. 

“Have you ever undergone surgery?” he asked.

“Yes,” the woman said. 

“Remember what type of surgery was it?”

“I’m not sure,” the old lady said. “It was a long time ago.” 

The physician noticed a scar on the right side of the woman’s abdomen. He pointed to the scar. “Is this where you had the surgery?” he asked. 

“No,” said the woman. “It was in Brooklyn.”

Monday, July 7, 2014

What kind of candy should remain in your imagination? 

A fig mint.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

What happened when the cheese factory exploded? 

De brie flew everywhere.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? 

Because the "P" is silent.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Why does Waldo wear stripes? 

He doesn't want to be spotted.

Thursday, July 3, 2014

A very angry woman stormed up to the eye surgeon's receptionist. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained. 

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?" 

"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly."

"I think," explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from in time to see a young woman looking down. 

"Is this yours?" he asked. 

She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed. 

On arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. As she was very attractive he agreed. Shortly afterwards she said, "I'm about to have dinner. There's plenty; would you like to join me?" 

He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?" 

The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"

"No," she replied, "Only those who catch my eye."

Tuesday, July 1, 2014