Sunday, April 30, 2017

The use of capital letters can really change the meaning of a sentence. 

For example: 

I like to eat pancakes. 

I like to eat capital letters.

Saturday, April 29, 2017

Friday, April 28, 2017

What's it called when Shrek works more than 40 hours a week? 


Thursday, April 27, 2017

Wednesday, April 26, 2017

What's the best place to buy Cheerios and donuts? 

Hole Foods.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

How do you get in contact with a Greek architect? 

You column.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Sunday, April 23, 2017

What do you call a group of bovine running from their problems? 

Cow herds.

Saturday, April 22, 2017

What's the first dinosaur you see in the morning? 

The Crackodon.

Friday, April 21, 2017

What should you do if you're being chased by a sarcophagus? 

Throw a throat lozenge at it. That will make the coffin stop.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

What do you call it when a pig gets air sickness? 

Swine flew.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

Monday, April 17, 2017

Sunday, April 16, 2017

What do you call a wasp that dresses in yellow and black?

A wanna bee.

Saturday, April 15, 2017

I got to have lunch with the world chess champion recently. 

It took him twenty minutes to pass the salt though. 

And he didn't pick up the check, mate,

Friday, April 14, 2017

What did one depressed rabbit say to the other?

Do you even carrot all?

Thursday, April 13, 2017

What did the film teacher tell his students? 

You need to focus.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Joey took his grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45. 

He said that it was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

What did the cannibal order at the Chinese restaurant? 

Chow man.

Monday, April 10, 2017

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Friday, April 7, 2017

A giant light bulb walks into a bar. 

The bartender looks up and says, "Hey! What's the big idea?"

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Why was the pirate such a good boxer? 

He had a great right hook.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

A cosmetic company has finally discovered the leading cause of dry skin. 

It's towels.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Joey's wife was complaining that he didn't listen to her anymore. 

Joey replied, "No thanks, I've just had one."

Sunday, April 2, 2017

Why do basic white girls make terrible math tutors? 

Because they literally can't even.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. 

A waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair…then sliding a little more... until he was almost under the table. The baffling thing was that the woman with him stared straight ahead and didn't seem to notice! 

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight underneath the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead. 

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risque and concerned that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am. But I think your husband just slid under the table." 

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."