Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Why did the whale cross the ocean?

To get to the other tide.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Why are frogs so happy?

They get to eat whatever bugs them.

Sunday, July 29, 2012

How does a cat get its own way?  

With friendly purrsuasion.

Saturday, July 28, 2012

The guys are all at a deer camp. No one wants to room with Bob, because he snores so badly. They decide it isn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they vote to take turns. 

The first guy sleeps with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.  

They say, “Man, what happened to you?” 

He says, “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night it is a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing – hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. 

They say, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” 

He says, ‘Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”

The third night is Fred’s turn. Fred is a tanned, older cowboy; a man’s man. The next morning he comes to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.  

“Good morning!” he says.  

They can’t believe it.  They say, “Man, what happened?”  

Fred says, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched ME all night.”

Friday, July 27, 2012

What do you get when you cross a parrot and a centipede?

A walkie-talkie!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

These two cannibals are standing in front of a campfire. 

One says to the other, "I hate my mother-in-law."  

The other cannibal says, "That's okay; just eat the rice."

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Why do we sometimes call the Middle Ages the Dark Ages?

Because they had so many knights.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Why did the owl make everyone laugh?

Because he was a hoot.

Monday, July 23, 2012

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite

He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line in and minutes later he hooked a largemouth bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck.

Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer.

"Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."

The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Sunday school teacher: "Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

Sam: "No, I don't have to."

Teacher: "And why not?"

Sam: "Well, my mom is a good cook."

Saturday, July 21, 2012

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

Friday, July 20, 2012

Two strands of DNA were walking down the street.

One says to the other, "Do these genes make me look fat?"

Thursday, July 19, 2012

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They're appalled by his haircut, his tattoos, his piercings.

Later, the girl's mom says "Dear, he doesn't seem to be a very nice boy."

"Oh, please, Mom!" says the daughter. "If he wasn't nice, would he be doing five hundred hours of Community Service?"

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” 

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” 

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. 

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” 

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. 

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” 

 The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Monday, July 16, 2012

What did the tired chess player do?

He took the knight off.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Once upon a time there were two canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After many months, the male decided to meet the female. So he scooted over to her side of the cage and said,

"Since we're in this together, why don't I move over to your side of the cage!"

The female canary replied, "No, thanks!!"

So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer. Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked,

"I am sorry I was to forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first."

To which she replied again, "No, thanks!"

Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage and stated,

"Well, could we at least talk?"

This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I just learned I have a canarial disease called, "Chirpies" and I hear it is untweetable." 

Saturday, July 14, 2012

Why didn't the dog speak to its foot?

Because it's not polite to talk back to your paw.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Thursday, July 12, 2012

What do you get what you cross a prostitute with an elephant? 

A 3/4 ton pickup.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

One day a rather inebriated ice fisherman drilled a hole in the ice and peered into the hole and a loud voice said, "There are no fish down there."

He walked several yards away and drilled another hole and peered into the hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

He then walked about 50 yards away and drilled another hole and again the voice said, "There's no fish down there."

He looked up into the sky and asked, "God, is that you?"

"No, you idiot," the voice said, "it's the rink manager."
 

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. 

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" 

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" 

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... no." 

"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" 

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was put off.

"Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving her penniless with three children?" 

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." 

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "...And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!" 

Monday, July 9, 2012

Joe walked into his dad’s study while his dad was working on the computer.

“Dad,” said Joe, “Remember when you told me you’d give me 50 dollars if I passed my math test?”

His dad nodded.

“Well, the good news is that I just saved you 50 bucks.”

Sunday, July 8, 2012

If you sue a urologist, what kind of trial would he probably request? 

A jury of your pee-ers.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. 

He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" 

 "We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" 

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" 

 "We'll be at the downtown International Marriott." 

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?" 

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." 

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." 

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome. 

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!" 

 "Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope." 

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me." 

"Really?" asked the barber. "What'd he say?" 

 He said, "Where'd you get the lousy haircut?" 

Thursday, July 5, 2012

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." 

She replies, "Well Honey, you know you can't do both."

What should you do if a girl sits on your hand? 

Try to get her off.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

What do you have to know to be a real estate salesman?

Lots. 
 

Monday, July 2, 2012

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
 

Sunday, July 1, 2012

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.

“What are you doing?” his mother asked.

“The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken” the boy explained. “I’m looking for the seal.”