It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a
hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy
walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young
boy dropped his fishing line in and minutes later he hooked a largemouth bass. The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain
Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The
young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't
take it any longer.
"Son" he said, "I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble.
You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish!
How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."
The boy spat the bait into his hand and said... "You have to keep the worms warm!"
Once upon a time there were two
canaries in a cage. Naturally, one was male and the other female. After
many months, the male decided to meet the female. So he scooted over to
her side of the cage and said,
"Since we're in this together, why don't I move over to your side of the cage!"
The female canary replied, "No, thanks!!"
So he went back to his side but found he could stay there no longer.
Once again, he moved to her side of the cage. This time he asked,
"I am sorry I was to forward the first time. Why don't we get to know each other first."
To which she replied again, "No, thanks!"
Resigning himself to return to his side of the cage, he languished about
for a bit then made one final effort. He went halfway across the cage
"Well, could we at least talk?"
This time she replied, "Oh, I am so sorry I have been so mean. You see I
just learned I have a canarial disease called, "Chirpies" and I hear it
The local United Way office realized that it had never received a
donation from the town's most successful lawyer.
The volunteer in charge
of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our
research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you
give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your
research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has
medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
the United Way rep mumbled, "Um... no."
"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an
apology but was put off.
"Third, that my sister's husband died in a
traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "Leaving
her penniless with three children?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "...And I don't
give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!"
A man was getting a haircut prior to a
trip to Rome.
mentioned the trip to the barber who responded,
"Rome? Why would anyone want
to go there?
It's crowded and dirty
and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to
are you getting there?"
"We're taking TWA," was the reply. "We
got a great rate!"
"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a
terrible airline. Their
planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly,
and they're always late.
So, where are you staying in
"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."
dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small,
service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when
you get there?"
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope
to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a
million other people
trying to see him. He'll look the size
of an ant. Boy, good luck on
this lousy trip of yours. You're
going to need it."
A month later, the man again came in for his
regular haircut. The
barber asked him about his trip to
"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in
one of TWA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped
us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a
beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and
And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million
remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too,
overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential
suite at no
"Well," muttered the barber, "I
know you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite
lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss
Guard tapped me on the
shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to
personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step
his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure
enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook
my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me."
A newlywed farmer and his wife
were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of
the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new
mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic
relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every
opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally
making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection,
the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the
head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their
feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the
casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that
whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his
head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to
the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.
Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I
would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I
borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all
booked up for a year.'"