He was trying to butter up his teacher.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
Thursday, December 29, 2011
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."
"No, ma'am", he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I certainly do appreciate your help."
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.
“You know, Harvey,” she comments. “I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my breasts sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons and…my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!” She turns to face her husband and says, “Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself.”
Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, “Well…your eyesight’s still good.”
(Harvey will be getting out of the hospital next week.)
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.
"It represents a candle," he said.
"You may pass through the Pearly gates," said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, "They're bells."
"You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow.
"And just how do those symbolize Christmas?" he asked.
The man replied, "They're Carols."
Friday, December 23, 2011
Thursday, December 22, 2011
A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to ‘write’ with it.
Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, “Well, that’s great, just great…..Some asshole’s got my pen.”
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Her husband responds by saying: "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw that diamond necklace that you totally fell in love with, and remember how I told you I didn't have much money at the time but said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a smile in her voice, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."
Husband: "Well, I'm in the tavern next to that place."
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
A bull walked up to the rolling object, sniffed it and swallowed it whole.
The resulting situation was abominable.
Five seconds later it was noble.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
Sunday, December 4, 2011
It is a little known fact that there ARE little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. – Thus, these creatures are called “Flies Unseen Everywhere” or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend. This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition.
And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don’t get it? Those who’s standard response to any given question is, “Huh?”
Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don’t have a clucking FUE.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there’s a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn’t know we were getting low. You see, the reason for this is purely geographical.
Our oil is located in Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, and Texas.
Our dipsticks are located in Washington, D.C.