Trees

“One little two little three little oak trees, four little five little six little oak trees…” Don't mind me, I’m just singing some count tree music. #lamejoke 

Prints

This is the story of a fellow that spent the early part of his life working in a photo-development studio. It was a small studio, but he worked hard and developed a large clientele of people who took their film to him to be developed. His control of the chemistry and technology of photography was excellent. In fact, he was given the nickname "Prints" by his grateful customers.

You must, of course, resist the temptation to become suspicious too soon. This is not the story of Snow White waiting endlessly at the Photomat and singing, "Someday, my prints will come." That particular story is much too old for this venue.

Back to our protagonist. He would have continued until retirement as a photo technician, but as so often happens as we grow older, he became victim to certain digestive indiscretions. His increasing inability to digest many common dietary constituents led to that particularly odious problem, flatulence. Now, this is a problem that is well-known to most of us as we get older (and is something to which the younger members of the audience can look forward), but Prints found that the volume of gas he produced was excessive, even gigantic. In fact, it started to have negative consequences in his work and he was driven to see a physician.

Again, you must resist the temptation to jump the gun on this tale. The gases did not make the sound "Honda" and the doctor did not tell him he had an abscess. Thus, this is not the particular story where abscess makes the fart go "Honda"; that also is just too old for this audience.

The propensity to generate unacceptable volumes of gas became worse for our protagonist. Sometimes, however, there is a silver lining hidden within the blanket of adversity, and this was the case in this story. Prints discovered a new talent, one that he would not have known about, except for his affliction. He discovered that he could control the sounds that were made during gas release. After much practice, he could generate musical notes and other sound effects. The overture to a John Phillips Souza march, speeches by the Speaker of the House, the crack of nearby lightning, the long-rolling rumble of distant thunder, the roar of a 727 in full throttle, the mewling of a den of hungry kittens -- all of these and more became part of his repertoire. The audience for such performance art is small, but very enthusiastic. He was forced to give up his photography, and take to the stage in his new showbiz career.

Now, now, is the time to become suspicious. It is likely you may have even recognized the person this story is about -- the fartist formerly known as Prints. #lamejoke

Magician

My magician friend flew in from Helsinki yesterday. He just appeared out of Finnair. #lamejoke

Clone

A very notable scientist invented the first machine that could successfully clone a human being. He decided to test it out on himself, and lo and behold, an exact replica of him appeared at the other end. The scientist was very excited that his machine worked, but when he talked to his duplicate, his clone cursed at him and spit in his face. The scientist was shocked. He tried to treat the clone nice, but everywhere he went the clone would shoot off his filthy mouth. 

The scientist came to the conclusion that his machine actually was a failure, but he had to rid the world of his evil clone. He took his clone to a cliff and pushed him off. The scientist was later arrested and given a trial for murder. Defense maintained that the scientist technically didn't do anything wrong, and that he was not guilty of murder, because the clone was an aberration. The scientist was found not guilty of murder, but was sentenced to five years in prison, nonetheless. 

In the judge's words, the scientist was guilty of "making an obscene clone fall." #lamejoke

Underwear

I told my wife, "Your underwear is way too tight." She said, "Then wear your own." #lamejoke 

Salmon

In ancient times, workers in a popular deli were told that they could eat anything they wanted during lunch hour -- anything, that is, except the very expensive smoked salmon. Thus, were created the world's first anti-lox breaks. #lamejoke 

Hides

Leather is rated based on its texture. Cows with abundant water sources have softer hides, rated A. But hides from cows living in hot, dry climates like here in Arizona are D hide rated. #lamejoke

Nate

A prospector was combing the hills for gold. Determined to make his fortune, he spent many a day following the trails up and down the mountain side. One such day, he was walking wearily up the side of the hill. He heard a voice call out, "Hello, Hello." He turned to his mule and asked, "Bessie, did you say something?" Bessie didn't answer and he turned to go on. "Hello, hello, up there."

he prospector looked around again. He saw a snake on the ground, "Was that you talking to me?"

"Yes, Nate the Snake, glad to meet you."

Now, the prospector was no fool and soon had a plan in mind. He talked it over with Nate, who agreed to the plan.

The prospector built a roadside stand to house Nate and advertised him as the world's only talking snake. People came from all over to talk to Nate the Snake. They made millions and Nate's abode grew.

Now, the government as governments will, needed to build a lever to end the world. And they decided to build the lever right across the street from Nate's abode. People came from all over, first to see Nate and then to see the lever that would end the world. People would see Nate and talk with him about this lever. One night Nate decided he needed to go see this lever for himself. He got down off the pedestal and slithered out the door. A driver was coming down the road. He was driving too fast. He saw Nate. He turned. He saw the lever. He turned back. He saw Nate. He swerved. He saw the lever, he swerved. He ran over Nate. Nate was dead. People were upset. Geraldo broadcasted. People were angry. The driver was brought before the judge.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself?" asked the judge.

"I'm so sorry. I saw Nate. I saw the lever. I had to make a decision. I thought to myself... it was better Nate than lever." #lamejoke 

Colonoscopy

You know, having a colonoscopy wasn’t the worst medical procedure I’ve ever endured, but it was definitely up there. #lamejoke

Frog

This guy is having a bad day. He's in trouble at work and with his wife, so he decides to go to the pub and have a pint. As he's sitting there drinking he sees this little frog come in and the frog goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling and out the skylight. Man thinks, "that's odd" finishes his pint and leaves.

Next day he's on his final warning at work and his missus spent an hour screaming at him so he goes to the pub and has two pints. And as he's drinking he sees this little frog come in and the frog goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling and out the skylight. Man thinks, "very odd" finishes his drinks and goes home.

Next day he's been fired from his job and the missus has taken the kids to go stay at her mother's so the man goes to the pub and has three pints. And as he's drinking he sees this little frog come in and the frog goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling but today stops at the skylight and goes, across the ceiling, down the wall, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor and out the door. And the man goes, "right I've gotta find out what this is all about."

So he goes up the bar tender and goes "excuse me mate, I came in here the other day and as I'm drinking I see this frog and it goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling and out the skylight."

"Then yesterday I'm in here drinking and I see this frog and it goes across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling and out the skylight."

" But today as I'm drinking I see this frog and it goes across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling but this time it stops at the skylight then goes across the ceiling, down the wall, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor and out the door."

And the bartender looks at him and says, "so you're telling me you came in the other day and as you were drinking you see a frog come in and the frog goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall and out the skylight."

"Then yesterday as you're drinking you see the frog come in and the frog goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling and out the skylight."

"But today you come in for drinks and as you're drinking you see the frog and the frog goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, stops at the skylight then goes, across the ceiling, down the wall, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor and out the door."

First man says "yes, exactly "

And the bartender replies, "oh simple. I shut the skylight today" #lamejoke

Underwear

I love putting on warm underwear fresh from the dryer… Plus it’s REALLY fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to. #lamejoke 

Uncle

My Uncle Jim did not appear to be much for words. Nor, was he ever seen to have friends or pets. We thought he was the primordial loner, until one time we caught him with his ant farm. He loved the creatures. He knew more about ants than I knew about the streets in our little town, and he loved to talk about them. Indeed, it was a deep and private affair, and we admired him for it.

One day tragedy hit in the form of a very high wind. It blew the top off the ant farm and his creatures were gone. Practically in tears, he called me on the phone. When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "The ants are my friends. They're blowing in the wind!" #lamejoke

Daiquiri

A physician made it his regular habit to stop off at a local bar for a hazelnut daiquiri before going home. The bartender knew this, and would always have the drink waiting for him by 5:00 PM. One afternoon as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnuts. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with substitute nuts, and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his usual time, took one sip of the drink, and said, "Why, this isn't my usual daiquiri!"

"No," replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc." #lamejoke

Mechanic

Then there was the one about the mechanic who didn't wash before going to bed. He woke up oily in the morning. #lamejoke 

Defibrillators

Defibrillators repulse me. #lamejoke

Flatbread

A good tv show to watch while eating Indian flatbread? Naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan naan Batman! #lamejoke

Knights

The realm of King Arthur was sorely beset by the encroachments of the Saxons. Sadly, there were few Knights left to fight them. King Arthur, despairing the probable downfall of Camelot, turned once again to Merlin, his friend and wisest advisor.

"Merlin, I fear that this time even your great resources will not avail us at this critical time." (Kings speak in that phony kind of prose so you'll have to excuse him) "We shall never be able to turn back the Saxons without many more Knights. The Round Table is sorely depleted, and I have little hope."

"Fear not, my King" said Merlin. "I have a plan. Bring me parchment and ink and all your scribes. Then bring me the youth of the nearby peasants, the stable boys, and the young servants of the castle. I shall give you your Knights!"

"Merlin, oh Merlin, I fear you've lost your wisdom. It takes years to become a Knight. One must grow in experience, be tested in battle and character... It cannot be done" said Arthur.

"Trust me, my King" said Merlin. "I have devised a method of creating Knights on the instant."

Soon, as bidden, the male youth of the nearby peasantry were summoned to Camelot, along with the stable boys and the younger servants. Merlin had them arrayed in a single line that stretched almost as far as the eye could see. One by one, each young man stepped up to a table beneath a pavilion where Merlin sat. The humble youth entered, full of fear and not knowing what to expect. As they passed Merlin, he handed each one a piece of parchment with the seal of Camelot printed upon it by the scribes. Each parchment and the image upon it was exactly like the others. Miraculously, as each young man took the parchment and placed it on his forehead, a change took place in him.

They all stood taller, stronger -- their eyes flashed with confidence and power. As they exited the pavilion, each one was truly a powerful Knight! They were handed their swords and given great horses to ride and galloped off to do battle. Nearly a thousand of the humble became Knights that single day. History tells us that they were successful and helped preserve Camelot for yet another generation.

Merlin, of course, is known to this day as the inventor of the Printed Sir Kit. #lamejoke

Horn

What the Boy Scout said after he fixed the car horn? “Beep repaired.” #lamejoke

Creeks

When we lived in New Hampshire, the little creeks rolled down the mountain across our fields, making endless little rivulets. My wife spent much of the year working on the borders of these streams, keeping them clear and clean. If there is anything she likes, it's weeding a good brook. #lamejoke

Earthquake

There was a herd of cattle all standing on a hill when an earthquake struck. All of the cows fell down, but the bull remained standing. The farmer, noticing this, went out and asked the bull "Why didn't you fall down like the rest of the herd?"

The bull replied "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down." #lamejoke

Ledge

We have a 10 inch ledge which runs all the way around the fifth floor of  the building. Those little, furry animals with bushy tails have taken to running around on the ledge seeking the frequent handouts that certain residents give them. Outside my office, however, they prefer to sit quietly and listen to my jokes. This goes to show, of course, that squirrels just wanna have pun. #lamejoke

Suggestion

Joe and Frank were in the office, and noticed that someone had put up a suggestion box with some 3x5 cards next to it. Both decided that this was a great idea, and each took a card to fill out. Joe wrote, "The office workers should all be given raises!" When he looked at Frank's card, it said "Can we all have raises, and keys to the executive washroom, and personal secretaries, and new company cars, and new coffee cups, and longer lunch breaks, and an extra three-weeks holiday each year?"

Joe said, "Frank, that isn't the right way of getting things changed around here -- you shouldn't put all of your begs in one ask-it..." #lamejoke 

Aging

I'm not aging like fine wine, I'm aging like milk. Growing more sour and chunky by the day. #lamejoke 

Photograph

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk because the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains, et al. The journalist told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines, and he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the point of this story? The spirit was willing but the flash was weak. #lamejoke

Dog

Scientists have successfully created a green-striped dog by splicing its genes with a watermelon. When asked why it looked depressed, they explained that its a melancholy. #lamejoke

Honorus

By the 15th century, the Templar Knights had disappeared, but deep in the bowels of the British Museum in a case well sealed and protected lies a strange memorial to their impact on the city of London.

London of the early 12th century was on its way to becoming an impressive city, but its life and its blood was the Thames River. Without the river commerce would grind to a halt as the people of London discovered to their horror in 1216.

The first boats seemed simply to have disappeared, but the monster wasted little time in this caution. Soon, many Londoners had seen the gaping maw licked by flames dragging a hapless crew to its death. It was a fire salamander, and in the Autumn of 1216 it was estimated to be 40 feet long with jaws that gaped 10 feet wide.

By the spring of 1217, the monster was no longer a nuisance, it was a deadly plague. No boat could navigate the Thames... no raft was small enough, no ship was large enough to resist the demon of the Thames. Worse, the beast was growing! The latest reports called it 70 feet long with jaws opening 15 feet. Our instinct is to discount this absurd growth, and yet few could impeach its source.

He, our source, enters the story in August of 1217. London had begged, prayed, blasphemed, and killed in desperate attempts to exorcise or appease their curse; to no avail.

On June 14, four men painted themselves with the Devil's Cross and proclaimed themselves the Dark Priests of the Beast. They built a ship and doused it in oil; then, they sailed it down the river. Dark Priests they may have been, but they died screaming like any other man.

On July 28, London sent three virgins (the youngest not yet 13) down the Thames to the monster. It was thought that this would appease the evil god: the monster's hunger exceeded even this atrocity.

On August 23, our source received his summons. His given name is lost in his chosen name: Honorus. He was a Templar Knight and possibly a saint. That morning, he was commanded to destroy the beast.

London in fear and desperation had turned to their most jealous weapon, the Templars... warrior monks who fought with the fierce, perhaps fanatic, frenzy of the devout. The city had exhausted all other options; the monks were its last hope, and Honorus was the greatest of the Knights.

The battle was truly a footnote to his preparation... Honorus ventured into the woods upstream from London. He forsook shelter, clothing, food, and sleep for four days, meditating on the coming struggle. When the four days ended, he stalked and killed a stag without weapon or aid. With the skin of the stag he made clothing; from its flesh he regained his strength; and with its entrails, he lashed five logs into a raft fit for his purpose.

Honorus set the raft in motion. He had outfitted himself with the only item he would use in this fight that had not come out of the forest with him. A sword of Spanish steel, blue with the sky, lay in his lap.

Soon, he felt the swell of the water disturb his raft: the monster was coming, yet he sat unmoving.

The beast broke the surface.

No human is perfect; a splinter of the collapsing raft clipped Honorus' left foot as he leapt into the water. He had timed his jump slightly too late, but no matter, the injury will not be important until after the battle.

The monster was above the water only momentarily; time enough for Honorus to drive his sword between two of its scales. The monster thrashed in pain, turning its exposed flesh from the steaming water.

Honorus was lifted from the water as the beast rolled. He gauged his stroke and leapt, striking the monster's eye.

Angered and half-blinded, the beast threw Honorus into the river and grasped him in its immense jaws.

Honorus swam quickly past the teeth into the monster's mouth. Inside, the questing tongue scalded his feet as he searched for purchase again, and we shall ignore this injury for now.

Once he had braced himself inside the beast's mouth, pushing with all his strength against the slowly rising tongue, he took aim. Honorus had time to make only one thrust.

When his journal recalls these events, it attributes Honorus' "luck" in this battle to aid from the Divine. We do not wish to detract from the glory of God, but surely He will not envy His servant.

Is it coincidence that Honorus' blade struck true to the brain? Honorus had already studied carefully the anatomy of the salamander a week before he was summoned to fight the beast. Did Honorus not know that the water's rush against the beast's exposed flank would cause it such pain?

In his journal, "August 24: And once I am atop the beast and it has rolled from the water, where then to strike?"

Two weeks after Honorus was told to lift the curse of London, the beast was dead. The next day London celebrated Honorus; the town would live because of him. Three days later, gratitude had disappeared.

The body of the beast had lodged itself firmly in the mire less than half a mile downstream of London. Although it was yet intact (perhaps due to its incredible armor), it would surely soon rot.

While not so great a terror, the rotting beast would be almost as dangerous as the live beast, attracting disease and scavengers. No ship could move the carcass. The people of London called upon Honorus.

Honorus' solution was difficult but practical, and he began as soon as he had retrieved his sword. He fasted for two days; then, he ate the cooked meat of the huge salamander and fasted for a third day.

When he suffered no ill effects, Honorus began dissecting the beast. With the help of London, Honorus soon had all the usable meat and intestines of the dead beast transformed into sausage.

A bizarre solution it was, but a good one. The sausage was soon discovered to be excellent and to keep easily for very long periods of time. Even more important, the sausage fast became incredibly popular throughout England and much of Europe. It began to reestablish the fame of London's trade after the Hiatus of the Beast.

Still, Honorus has one final contribution to this history... It became vital that everyone knew from whence the incredible sausage of London came, and thus we return to Honorus' injuries.

After the battle with the live beast and the crisis of the dead beast, Honorus took time to recover . Six weeks after he was first summoned, he was dressing the injuries on his feet. The problems of London were known to him. As he dipped a strip of paper like gauze into a healing salve, he had a thought.

One week later, each sausage shipped from London carried a fascinating new development: a label. Just as the gauze dried and closed on Honorus' foot, the parchment around these sausages was attached; and all would know the fame of London from each link she sold.

In the end, despite all his other feats, it was this idea, the product label that survived Honorus. In tribute to this advance, the British Museum houses the only known surviving label from Honorus' sausages.

And although even the tough gut of the Beast has long since faded to dust, the label may still be read. If our reader could go to the Museum and enter the Medieval wing's most treasured collection, she could still read, in faint letters, the Label of Honor: ..." It Was The Beast Of Thames, It Was The Wurst Of Thames." #lamejoke 

Sorry

"I'm sorry" and "I apologize" usually mean the same thing. But not at a funeral. #lamejoke 

Fleas

How fleas travel in the summer? They itch hike. #lamejoke

Collector

I'm a collector. I keep Mickey Mantle's baseball cap and my 20th century historical figure statues in my office. My dog snuck in there and made a huge ruckus. I opened the door and screamed, “My hat! My Gandhi!" #lamejoke

Seamstress

One day at a seamstress club, the head lady called all the members together and announced a contest. Everyone was to create a needle-and-thread artwork based upon one word of their choice. Everyone got busy very quickly in designed patterns and racing to be the first one to produce an entry for the contest.

The most humble of the ladies was Anne. She was not particularly skilled with her needles just yet, but what she did have was artistic vision. While other ladies finished quicker than she did, still Anne kept going, taking careful attention to detail in her work with an eye for perfection.

Finally, the ladies were to all present their creations to be judged. The others showed off colorful tapestries, sweaters, crochet squares, and other creations. A baby blue sweater with white poofs inspired by the clouds. Tapestries that told a story for the concept of "Time." Crochet squares with delicate needle work, inspired by the word "perfection," and many more. Each of these ladies, of course, was very confident in their ability to win over the judges and claim the top prize.

Last to go was Anne, who finally stood proudly in front of the crowd and displayed what she had spent so much time on:

Everyone was shocked to see a garbled mess of yarn, with simply no rhyme or reason for their apparent threads. She was quite proud of herself, and once the judges saw her keyword, they awarded her the top prize immediately. The others were furious! The crowd erupted in a cacophony, and the women began to riot!

And "Chaos," Anne sewed. #lamejoke