Shame

Remember, puns on St Patrick's day don't just shame you, they Seamus all. #lamejoke

Raining

Anything worse than when it's raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis, maybe? #lamejoke

Vet

I called the vet to set an appointment for my cat. The receptionist said they had Dr. Taylor and Dr. Smith available this afternoon. I told her to book it. The receptionist asked which doctor? No thanks, a regular one would be fine. #lamejoke 

Doctor

You may be wondering what kind of doctor Dr. Pepper was? A fizzician maybe? #lamejoke 

Care

Dr. Ronald Peak and Dr. Ismael Abu donated money to a new intensive care unit. They're calling it the Peak, Abu ICU. #lamejoke

Telegraph

What the telegraph operator felt when he had to send a message a second time? Remorse. #lamejoke 

Pickup

A pickup line that works every time? Does this rag smell like chloroform? #lamejoke

Joke

What sets a mom joke apart from a dad joke? It’s all in the delivery. #lamejoke

Cornbread

How long it takes to make cornbread? Not long at all. It’s done in a jiffy. #lamejoke 

Vehicle

The vehicle Mickey Mouse’s wife drives? A minivan. #lamejoke

Sausage

Don’t eat any of that yellowish sausage. It’s meaty ochre. #lamejoke 

Eggs

Last night, someone broke into Joey’s house and took a dozen eggs. They also left a saucepan behind filled with warm water. Police think they were poachers. #lamejoke

Soldier

Joey went drinking with his buddy and they got into an argument about what to call a medieval soldier. It started getting late so they called it a night. #lamejoke 

Sale

The big sale at the clothing store got rough. People socked it out and there were casual tees everywhere. #lamejoke 

Puzzle

I was working on a fish crossword puzzle but I couldn't finish it. Turns out I was missing two pisces. #lamejoke

Garlic

What garlic does when it gets hot? It takes some of its cloves off. #lamejoke

Underwear

Joey told me that he saw his wife putting on her sexy underwear this morning. This can only mean one thing – it’s laundry day. #lamejoke 

Thud

What goes "Ha, ha, ha, thud?" Someone laughing their head off. #lamejoke

Astrologers

My name is Jim and the astrologer said I have a dual personality… Jim and I. #lamejoke 

Rottweiler

Then there was the one about the postal worker who was chased by a Rottweiler? He got a bit behind that day. #lamejoke

Sausages

Found a great place online to order sausages. I’ll send you a link. #lamejoke 

Tent

Joey’s son decided it would be a good idea for him to eat a tent. Now he’s having terrible stomach camps. #lamejoke 

Philosophers

Philosophers always seem insightful because they are very whys. #lamejoke 

Cows

Looking for someone to help with milking cows on our farm. Must work well with udders. #lamejoke 

Booger

My wife and I were asked if we wanted to become members of the "Booger Free Clear Nose" club. I told them to sinus up. #lamejoke 

Underwear

The best underwear puns are brief. #lamejoke 

Shakespeare

Breaking news: Historians believe that they've uncovered a cache of pencils that once belonged to William Shakespeare. A spokesperson said, "They're so badly chewed on the ends, we can't tell if they're 2B or not 2B." #lamejoke

Teeth

Someone said I couldn’t tell a pun about crooked teeth. Brace yourself. #lamejoke

Injury

Where you go when you get a peek-a-boo injury? The ICU. #lamejoke

Owl

A strange owl saw a witch fly by on a broomstick and grabbed her. Weird owl yanked a witch. #lamejoke 

Dance

If Apple owned a dance venue, do you think they'd call it the Mac Arena? #lamejoke

Performance

"Calm down, it's all right. If you want, I'll be the guy who portrays Katherine in tonight's performance of The Taming of the Shrew," said Tim, placatingly. #lamejoke 

Dogs

I hear that dogs can bark up to 500 times per day, but that’s just a ruff estimate. #lamejoke

Truck

Potato chip truck crashes in town, DeLays are everywhere. #lamejoke

Chicken

I’m proud of my super creative chicken for communicating through sign language and semaphore rather than traditional chicken sounds. She’s really thinking outside the bawks. #lamejoke

Jack

There was a construction worker who went by the name of Jack. He was searching for a new contractor to work under because his previous contractor fired him for being hostile with the other construction workers. Jack reckoned that it would be no easy task to land a job with another contractor now that his previously-clean track record had been muddled. But construction work was all that he knew, so he set out to find a new job all the same.

Eventually, Jack found a contractor that he thought he might have a good chance with—a place called Second-Chance Contractors that specialized in giving workers with less-than-perfect track records a . . . well, a second chance. They also focused on teaching their workers valuable life skills and helping them succeed in the workplace. Jack was able to land the job easily on account of the fact that he was in need of a second chance and the contractor was called Second-Chance Contractors.

Jack's first assignment with the new contractor was to join a team that was in the midst of fixing up a pothole-laden road. The road was not only laden with literal potholes, but also gigantic cracks and uneven pavement. This was the case BEFORE the construction team had arrived at the site, and it was still the case NOW. Jack was beginning to have doubts about this contractor. Perhaps they specialized in giving construction workers second chances, but it seemed that they did NOT specialize in doing their jobs well. And, at the end of the day, which of those two things was more important?

But Jack knew that he couldn't be TOO picky about the working conditions. He had been in need of a second chance, and Second-Chance Contractors had given him JUST that. So he was going to do his job. And despite how those around him worked, he was going to do his job well.

Now, at the previous contractor that Jack worked at—FIRST-Chance Contractors—all of the construction workers brought their own sediment to construction sites when they were required to fill in holes, cracks, and the like. Since this was what Jack was used to doing before, this was just what he did now. He unloaded his sediment from his rust-colored pickup truck and brought it over to the nearest crack in the road. He didn't have to carry the sediment very far at all before he got to the nearest fracture. Jack got down in the mud and began his work. As he began filling in the crack with his own sediment, he began to notice the other construction workers giving him odd looks. But Jack just continued to work, chalking the odd looks up to the fact that he was the newest hire around the site.

Half an hour goes by, and Jack is still down in the mud, doing his hard work, filling in the crack, while the other construction workers are sitting on their hands, not getting any work done at all. Then, Jack spotted a corporate man standing some feet away. And Jack noticed that the corporate man was watching him intently. Jack knew that he was a corporate man on account of the shiny three-piece suit he was wearing in contrast to the shiny construction gear that the knuckleheads were wearing. Eventually, the corporate man made his way over to the crack that Jack was working on. Jack noticed the corporate man coming over, and he assumed that the man was coming over with the intent of thanking Jack for the hard work that he was putting into filling the crack. Jack stood up from the ground, dusted his hands off on his pants, ready to shake the corporate man's hand, when, much to the surprise of Jack, CRITICISM came from the corporate man's lips rather than praise.

More specifically, the corporate man said: "You can't use that sediment," gesturing to the sediment that Jack was using.

Jack said: "Pardon?"

"That sediment doesn't look like the sediment that the other workers are using. I'm assuming that's your own, homemade sediment?"

Now, as far as Jack had seen, the other workers hadn't been using sediment of ANY kind. Jack had a mind to tell the corporate man that this was the case, but he figured that it might not be the best idea to smart off to corporate on his first day; if the workers at Second-Chance Contractors were this helpless, he couldn't even begin to imagine the kind of work that went on over at THIRD-Chance Contractors. So, instead, Jack simply admitted that he had in fact been using homemade sediment. After all, this practice was completely normal at First-Chance Contractors. Jack couldn't imagine why that wouldn't be the case here.

But, apparently, it wasn't. The corporate man informed Jack that, here at Second-Chance Contractors, all construction workers used the sediment that was provided by corporate; they all used the same sediment. Jack was completely aghast. He had never heard of such practice. But Jack had no other option but to oblige by this strange rule. So he packed up his homemade sediment and went over to gather some of the sediment provided by corporate. He took the corporate sediment over to the crack and continued filling it while the other construction workers continued watching the grass grow.

Now, over the years, Jack had been able to construct the perfect sediment recipe. He knew the perfect balance that was required to ensure that the sediment wasn't too thick, wasn't too thin. It was the perfect consistency for Jack to work with. The same was not the case for the corporate sediment. Their sediment always either dried too fast or not fast enough. Jack tried desperately to patch the holes and cracks, but these obtrusions just ended up looking even sloppier than before on account of corporate's poor excuse for good sediment. Jack began to wonder if, perhaps, the poor state of the construction site was a testament to the quality of the sediment rather than the quality of the workers. But Jack still had his good working attitude. He continued to work with what he had up until the lunch break finally arrived.

Jack was absolutely steaming by then. It was very frustrating to work with the corporate sediment after having worked with his own, perfect, homemade sediment for YEARS. Now, he was completely convinced that the other workers weren't bad at their job—they just refused to work with the sloppy sediment. And he didn't blame them one bit.

As all the workers gathered around a couple wooden tables to share sandwiches, Jack noticed that the corporate man had packed up and left the site. It was just the working folk now. And because of this, Jack felt no remorse in venting his anger.

"This is unbelievable," he said. "I cannot believe that we have to all use the corporate sediment here. Back at First-Chance Contractors, we got to use our own sediment."

Jack looked around, waiting for the other construction workers to chime in with their opinions. But none of the other workers said a word. They just continued to stare at him.

So he went on: "My homemade sediment was perfect. I was able to whip it up to where it was the perfect consistency—not too thick, not too thin. I had come up with the perfect recipe. This corporate sediment is garbage!"

Jack waited for a response, but still, there was nothing.

"I can't work with this stuff!" Jack gestured over to the vat of corporate sediment. "Look at the holes that I tried to patch up! Look at the cracks that I tried to patch up! They look even worse than before!" Jack was fuming now. He was stomping around the site as he yelled.

Still, none of the other workers spoke a word, but they all continued to stare at him, listening.

After a few minutes of yelling, Jack's face was beet-red. He was panting heavily, standing right next to the vat of corporate sediment. As he finished his rant, he stared at the other construction workers, all gathered around at the table, munching down on their sandwiches, perfectly content.

"C'mon, guys!" Jack yelled, as he kicked the vat. The large container toppled over, and the hot, thick, oozy liquid spilled out onto the road. "Aren't you guys mad?" Jack yelled. "Surely I'm not the only one who shares this sediment!" #lamejoke

Seamstress

One day at a seamstress club, the head lady called all the members together and announced a contest. Everyone was to create a needle-and-thread artwork based upon one word of their choice. Everyone got busy very quickly in designed patterns and racing to be the first one to produce an entry for the contest.

The most humble of the ladies was Anne. She was not particularly skilled with her needles just yet, but what she did have was artistic vision. While other ladies finished quicker than she did, still Anne kept going, taking careful attention to detail in her work with an eye for perfection.

Finally, the ladies were to all present their creations to be judged. The others showed off colorful tapestries, sweaters, crochet squares, and other creations. A baby blue sweater with white poofs inspired by the clouds. Tapestries that told a story for the concept of "Time." Crochet squares with delicate needle work, inspired by the word "perfection," and many more. Each of these ladies, of course, was very confident in their ability to win over the judges and claim the top prize.

Last to go was Anne, who finally stood proudly in front of the crowd and displayed what she had spent so much time on:

Everyone was shocked to see a garbled mess of yarn, with simply no rhyme or reason for their apparent threads. She was quite proud of herself, and once the judges saw her keyword, they awarded her the top prize immediately. The others were furious! The crowd erupted in a cacophony, and the women began to riot!

And "Chaos," Anne sewed. #lamejoke

Hats

Tinfoil hats? They get a bad wrap. #lamejoke

Newspaper

I asked my wife if she’d seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. That fly didn't stand a chance. #lamejoke 

Popcorn

Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of uncooked popcorn. Might make the cremation a little more interesting. #lamejoke 

Migrated

20,000 years ago, humans migrated from Asia to North America. Did they get there by turning left or right? Neither. They traveled by Bering Strait. #lamejoke

Count

I can count in my head really quickly, but only to three. Anything more requires forethought. #lamejoke

Electrons

I’m positive that I’ve lost some electrons. I should keep an eye on them. #lamejoke 

Cross

What you get when you cross a riddle with a fiddle? I'm not sure, but I know that violins is not the answer. #lamejoke 

Chicken

Why the headless chicken crossed the road? He was supposed to be headed to the other side. #lamejoke 

Fight

The sheep and the cow had a big fight. For the rest of the day, they were in a baaaad moooood. #lamejoke

 

Sneeze

Made of leather and sounds like a sneeze? A shoe. #lamejoke

Thinner

Betsy sent me to the paint store to get thinner. She should have sent me to the gym. #lamejoke

Coffee

A factory worker died after falling into a vat of coffee. Paramedics said he didn’t suffer - it was instant. #lamejoke 

Escape

Say you're locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape? A piano has 88 keys. All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale, and get a weigh. #lamejoke

Farts

Although nobody was around to hear it, I just let out one of the top farts of my entire life. If it wasn't number one, it may have been number two. #lamejoke

Book

I just finished a popular book about basements. It was a best cellar. #lamejoke

Doves

Which two doves are known for being indecisive? The Sore Dove and the Kind Dove. #lamejoke 

Engraving

I’ve started taking engraving lessons. There’s still so much to learn. We’ve only just scratched the surface. #lamejoke

Birth

If I told you a sheep could give birth to baby goats, I would just be kidding ewe. #lamejoke 

Sugar

Sugar is the only word where ‘su’ makes a ‘sh’ sound. I’m pretty sure that’s correct. #lamejoke

Fingers

Joey accidentally cut two fingers off his hand.  When he asked the doctor if he would still be able to write with it, the doctor said, “Maybe, but don’t count on it.” #lamejoke 

Hotline

"Thank you for calling the Incontinence Hotline. Can you hold?" #lamejoke

Earth

The earth rotated. Made my day. #lamejoke 

Safety

When you’re doing dangerous work it’s a good idea to do the Safety Twerk. Show a bun dance of caution. #lamejoke 

Police

Police are looking for a suspect who put wings on his two door two passenger car. Turns out he flew the coupe. #lamejoke 

Thought

I remember when I read Peter Pan to my kids and they asked if I wished I never grew up. I thought about it for a moment, then asked them to pull my finger. #lamejoke

Paint

You want to paint spades, diamonds, clubs, and hearts all over your chest? It's a strange choice, but suit yourself. #lamejoke 

Dictator

A dictator walks into a bar and orders everyone around. #lamejoke

Flamenco

To catch a flamenco dancer, just castanet. #lamejoke

Balloons

A man was arrested for stealing helium balloons. The police held him for a while, then let him go. #lamejoke 

Study

One of my friends wants to study burrowing animals. I say gopher it. #lamejoke

Sleeping

Rescue crews were shocked to discover a man sleeping on Mount Everest. They found Himalayan there. #lamejoke

Fingers

I woke up, and noticed that all the fingers on my left hand had been replaced with toes. The doctor took one look, and said, "Hmm, something’s afoot here." #lamejoke

Garden

Why garden people are so likeable? Because they're really nice once you get to gnome. #lamejoke

Avocado

An avocado's favorite arcade game? Guac-A-Mole! #lamejoke 

Ballet

The inventor of the ballet skirt was stumped for a name until he put tu and tu together. #lamejoke

Seaweed

I ordered a seaweed salad for lunch, but they wouldn’t let me have a second kelping. #lamejoke