Stocks

I’ve decided to invest in stocks, i.e., beef, chicken, vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire. #lamejoke 

Music

Every elf’s favorite type of music? Wrap. #lamejoke

Bust

My art teacher tried to discourage me from making that metal bust, but I decided to forge a head anyway. #lamejoke 

Gnomes

Almost all Christmas gnomes have red hats. It’s a little-gnome fact. #lamejoke

Letter

Why E was the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E. #lamejoke 

Drinks

I don't believe in partaking in customary Christmas drinks. I guess you can call me eggnostic. #lamejoke 

Moat

An ankle-deep moat filled with molten sugar is the best defense a castle can have to ensure the defenders candy feet every single attacker. #lamejoke

Chip

Santa Claus's favorite type of potato chip? Crisp Pringles. #lamejoke 

Difference

The difference between a camera and a sock? A camera takes photos A sock takes five toes. #lamejoke 

Ropes

Joey showed his girlfriend a technique he’d learned for tying two ropes together. She proceeded to make out with him wildly. The problem is that he can't tell whether she loves him or knot. #lamejoke

Abstinence

Then there was the one about the jazz musician who's practicing abstinence. He decided to give up sax. #lamejoke 

Origami

I’m no good at origami, but my skills are in creasing. #lamejoke 

Pierced

Last night, at the pub, I saw a guy get his nipple pierced right in front of me. On an unrelated note, I suck at darts. #lamejoke 

Women

According to a recent survey, 20% of women think their ass is too fat. Another 10% thought their ass was too skinny. The other 70% didn’t care either way. They married him and they love him, regardless of his weight. #lamejoke

Doom

Which Old Testament prophet would take The Ring to Mount Doom? Elijah would. #lamejoke

Viking

To change into a Viking, you just have to belief. #lamejoke

Celebrity

The most famous present day celebrity? Santa. #lamejoke 

Bungee

A professional bungee jumper just retired. But I have a feeling that he’ll be making a comeback. #lamejoke 

Skiing

Call me crazy, but my favorite part of skiing is the chairlift ride. It’s all downhill after that. #lamejoke

Disease

Joey has a disease where he can’t stop telling airport jokes. His doctor says it’s terminal. #lamejoke 

Sing

Why I only sing when the car is in reverse? Because I'm a backup singer. #lamejoke 

Bread

We shouldn’t fight over bread. After all, violence baguettes violence. #lamejoke 

Medicine

I think I accidentally took the cat's medicine. Don't ask me'ow. #lamejoke 

Women

A lot of women say their husbands never listen to them. I'm proud to say I've never heard my wife say something like that. #lamejoke 

Monkey

The pianist playing at the piano bar always brought his monkey in with him. One day, the monkey was feeling mischievous and peed in a man’s beer. The angry man stormed up to the pianist and exclaimed, “Do you know your monkey peed in my beer?!” The pianist responded, "I don't think so , but maybe if you'd hum a few bars...?" #lamejoke

Baby

I don’t get why people say soothing a baby is difficult. It’s not like it's rock-it science. #lamejoke 

Chef

What the French chef gave his wife for Valentine’s Day? A hug and a quiche. #lamejoke 

Swordsman

An ancient Roman swordsman became a cannibal and dined on his wife. He was glad he ate her. #lamejoke

Mannequin

I once worked as a mannequin in Macy's Department Store. I held that position for a long time. #lamejoke

Cabbages

Cabbages are often in disbelief when they realize they’re way behind everyone in vegetable races. Which is understandable, because they often believe they’re ahead of lettuce. #lamejoke 

Nun

When I saw a nun trip and fall, I did what anyone would do. I ran to a sister. #lamejoke

Chef

Then there was the one about the boy who aspired to be a sous chef. He went on to grate things. #lamejoke 

Sandals

Why do elephants wear sandals? So that they don't sink in the sand. Why do ostriches stick their heads in the ground? To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals. #lamejoke

Deaf

Two years ago the doctor told me I was going deaf. Haven’t heard from him since. #lamejoke

Deer

This time of year, the deer in my area are all doing the same thing, the males chase the females, and the females run away. I think they're stuck in a rut. #lamejoke

Workout

Joey has absolutely no athletic ability, but he thinks he’s found a new way to prepare for a workout. Seems like a stretch to me. #lamejoke

Magician

Did you hear about the magician who pulled a pig out of his hat? It was a masterful display of sleight of ham. #lamejoke

Pandas

I saw twin pandas today. That bears repeating. #lamejoke

Dairy

Joey just got fired from a dairy farm for being the worst employee they had ever seen. He was a serious danger to himself and udders. #lamejoke 

Dream

I had a dream that I was Buzz Aldrin, the second man on the moon. Neil before me. #lamejoke

Night

Walking home last night, I passed a slice of apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake. I thought to myself, “The streets seem strangely desserted.” #lamejoke

Dragons

Despite being fire-breathing monsters, dragons will never actually explode, but a dino might. #lamejoke

Minute

Curious what you guys think about one sixtieth of a minute. I’m just looking for a second opinion. #lamejoke 

Photography

A friend of mine never stops talking about photography. You just can’t shutter up. #lamejoke 

Geologist

Why the female geologist got divorced? Because she claimed that mineral the same. #lamejoke 

Artistic

I wanted to be artistic while driving to work this morning, so, I let that van go first before taking my turn. #lamejoke

Epoxy

I was mixing two-part epoxy and got it all over my hands. The doctor said it might never come off, but I'm going to keep my fingers crossed. #lamejoke 

Pregnancy

A woman takes a pregnancy test and it comes back positive. She looks at her husband and says, “Your kid in me!” #lamejoke

Cheese

It’s been said that some of the best things in life are made of cheese. Who am I to disabrie? #lamejoke 

Booger

When is a booger not a booger? When it’s not. #lamejoke 

Frog

Then there was the one about the frog who got a DNA test. He found out he was part British, part Irish, and a tad Polish. #lamejoke 

Helium

In spite of the fact that airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control, cases continue to rise. #lamejoke

Kosher

I hope you’ll be honest with me about how kosher hot dogs are made. Please beef frank. #lamejoke 

Performer

If you ever want to be successful as a stage performer, you need to act now. #lamejoke

Addiction

I’m doing my best to overcome my hiking addiction, but I’m not out of the woods yet. #lamejoke 

Ocean

Joey threw his son into the ocean and he floated. I’d call that boy in sea. #lamejoke 

Water

If H2O is the formula for water, is the formula for ice H2O cubed? #lamejoke 

Squares

When chocolate squares and mallow fluff melt on a graham cracker as crust... that's a s'more, eh? #lamejoke 

Job

Need a job? Consider applying to the search and rescue agencies. They’re always looking for people. #lamejoke

Pasta

I spent my entire life savings on pasta. It was worth every penne. #lamejoke

Invisible

Joey accidentally swallowed some invisible ink. He’s now in the ER, waiting to be seen. #lamejoke

Alcohol

If alcohol ruins short-term memory, imagine what alcohol can do. #lamejoke

Ants

If ants don't have religious beliefs, then why are they in sects? #lamejoke

Date

We had a date last night. It was perfect. We’ll try a grape tonight. #lamejoke

Giraffe

Why the giraffe with the short neck was sad? He just wanted to belong. #lamejoke

Superman

One difference between me and Superman is that he has super vision, while I… require supervision. #lamejoke

Guacamole

My wife insists upon mashing the guacamole with her feet. She has avacatoes. #lamejoke

Wheelchair

Joey’s girlfriend broke up with him, so he stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back…. #lamejoke

Yes

Why I always say yes? I don’t know. #lamejoke

Rodent

Be wary of eating rodent-based meals in China. You could end up with a mousey tongue. #lamejoke

Battery

I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park. She sells c-cells by the seesaw.  #lamejoke

Pasta

Just got fired from the pasta factory. All because I made a fusilli mistakes. #lamejoke

Bananas

Where bananas go to learn how to be banana splits? Sunday school. # lamejoke

Mustard

The lid came off my mustard in the picnic basket. Now there is Poupon everything. #lamejoke

Breakfast

A cannibal's favorite breakfast? French toes. #lamejoke

Fragrance

Joey released his own fragrance today. Nobody in the elevator seemed to like it though... #lamejoke 

Suction

Heard they made the world's strongest suction cup. Not sure how they pulled that off. #lamejoke

Weather

Today we can expect rane, thundur, and litenin. Just a bad spell of weather. #lamejoke

Grizzly

Nine out of ten zoo dentists refuse to work on a grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic. There's safety in numb bears. #lamejoke

Karma

There's a new restaurant in town called Karma. They don't serve sandwiches, pasta, or other types of meals. Just desserts. #lamejoke 

Tinnitus

I called the tinnitus helpline last night. Nobody answered, just kept ringing. #lamejoke 

Robin

You might not get to be the next Robin Hood, but it Sherwood be fun. #lamejoke

Burglary

Interviewer: There has been an increase in home burglary in London, Dr. Watson. Can you give us some advice? Dr. Watson: Sure, lock homes. #lamejoke

Train

Joey had to take his son to the ER because he swallowed a toy train. Doc said he bit off more than he could choo. #lamejoke 

Posture

I had an appointment with a posture specialist. She stood me up. #lamejoke 

Pains

I was on the sofa last night watching TV, when my wife from the bedroom yelled, "Do you ever get pains on your chest like someone has a voodoo doll and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No." Then she asked, "How about now?” #lamejoke

Breakfast

What the cannibal had with breakfast? A cup of Joe. #lamejoke 

Bones

I wrote a play about broken bones. Now all I need is a cast. #lamejoke 

Geese

I made a nature documentary about geese, but it was rated R. Prolly too much fowl language. #lamejoke

Bats

Why bats are the only animal whose poop has a special name? I really don’t guano know. #lamejoke 

Snack

A cannibal’s favorite snack? Gram crackers. #lamejoke

Chbickens

Chickens are so greedy. They’re just out to make a bawk. #lamejoke 

Bankruptcies

I'm reading a book about bankruptcies. Currently on chapter 11. #lamejoke

Decorator

Joey got fired from his job as a set decorator. He left without making a scene. #lamejoke

Ring

Bought my wife a mood ring. When she is in a good mood, it turns green. When she is in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on my forehead. #lamejoke 

Laughter

With laughter, the L comes first and the rest comes aughter. #lamejoke

Hotel

Look, I don't want to sound conceited, but, when I left the hotel, I'm pretty sure that the receptionist was checking me out. #lamejoke

Scarecrow

Why am I so good at being a scarecrow? Hay, it’s in my jeans. #lamejoke 

Chapel

I hear the Sistine Chapel has a lot of ceiling fans. #lamejoke

Olympics

I really enjoyed hearing all of the national anthems played at the Olympics. I love country music. #lamejoke 

Soldiers

Where baby soldiers come from? The infant tree. #lamejoke

Custodians

Why most custodians are car guys? They like things that go broom, broom. #lamejoke 

Defibrillator

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails, but when it does, nobody is shocked. #lamejoke 

Castle

When a castle performs poorly at work, it gets demoted. #lamejoke

Oil

Where Oil of Olay comes from? Old bullfighters maybe? #lamejoke

Balloon

A balloon's least favorite kind of music? Pop. #lamejoke 

Origami

I passed my origami test yesterday when I turned my paper into the teacher. #lamejoke

Diet

I’ve lost a lot of weight by wearing bread on my head. It’s a new loaf hat diet I’m trying #lamejoke

Martini

 The Charles Dickens martini. Olive or twist? #lamejoke

Spelling

I’ve always preferred the English spelling of “diarrhea”, which is “diarrhoea”, because it really looks like you’ve lost control of your vowels. #lamejoke 

Rope

Recently, a public hanging went wrong when the rope snapped after the convict dropped. CNN called it breaking noose. #lamejoke 

Teeth

Don't throw false teeth at your vehicle. You might denture car. #lamejoke

Ants

Before Santa had elves, he had helper ants. Once, after eating too many beans, Santa farted getting into his sled. The ants became disoriented and Santa sat on them. So elves now live at the North Pole because of Santa's flat yule ants. #lamejoke

Glue

I'm writing a book about glue, but I'm stuck on the first chapter. #lamejoke

Disqualified

Paul McCartney was disqualified from the London Marathon. Banned on the run. #lamejoke 

Clown

I managed to resuscitate a clown the other day. He’s now on laugh support. #lamejoke 

Margarine

I was thinking that if we removed all the margarine from the world, it would be a butter place. #lamejoke

Negatives

Don’t use double negatives. They’re a big no no. #lamejoke

Jar

When a tip jar is reported stolen, do the police use jargon to describe it? #lamejoke 

Bank

The bank called me asking why I closed my account. I told them that it was lack of interest. #lamejoke

Infestation

The Pink Panther solving an ant infestation: 🎵 dead ant, dead ant...dead ant. dead ant. dead ant, dead ant. dead ant.🎵#lamejoke 

Van Gogh

I once met Vincent Van Gogh in a pub, I asked him if he would like a drink. He said, “No thanks, I've got one 'ere.” #lamejoke 

Research

The Incomplete Study Organization did some research. They concluded that 9 out of 15 people    #lamejoke

 

Theater

Does anyone here like puppet theater? Can I see a show of hands? #lamejoke

Boogers

Who do you fling boogers at? ATCHOOOOOOO! #lamejoke

Stop

Why it’s easier to stop a car going downhill? Because braking up is hard to do. #lamejoke

Tall

I’m trying to find a place where I’m considered tall. You know, somewhere I be long. #lamejoke 

Attack

As I was walking down the street, I was hit by a violin, then a clarinet, and then a French horn. I’m pretty sure it was an orchestrated attack. #lamejoke 

Elevator

What the escalator says when the mall closes for the night? Nothing. It just stairs. #lamejoke 

Mattress

If the King sleeps on a king mattress, and the Queen sleeps on a queen mattress, where does the Prince sleep? On an heir mattress. #lamejoke 

Dentures

Why did the house with no style need dentures? It had no motif. #lamejoke

Knuckles

Coworker told me I have big knuckles today. It seemed like a backhanded compliment. #lamejoke

Sale

I bought a jar of transparent insects the other day at a clear ants sale. #lamejoke

Metric

Americans don’t use the metric system because they have a foot fetish. #lamejoke

God

Why did the son of the god of thunder need to stretch his leg muscles?  He was a little thor. #lamejoke 

Bird

One bird can’t make a pun, but two can. #lamejoke 

Spell

I think “Renaissance” and “Scarborough” are both equally tough to spell if I’m making a fair comparison. #lamejoke

Telescope

As far as I can see, the invention of the telescope has been a great success. #lamejoke 

Car

I bought a sweet car online. Previously owned by Neil Diamond. #lamejoke

Grasshopper

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we've a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You have a drink called Steve?" #lamejoke

Sausage

I found this great place online to order sausage online. I’ll send you a link. #lamejoke

Castanets

Way back when, I met my future wife at a castanets lessons club. We just clicked. #lamejoke

Woodshop

Joey lost out on a job in a woodshop. He misunderstood when they asked for a stool sample. #lamejoke 

Washing

“I love washing clothes when the crowd stands,” Tim cheered from the bleachers. #lamejoke 

Meditation

Been thinking about taking up meditation. I figure it's better than sitting around doing nothing. #lamejoke

Gunpowder

You should invest in wooden sticks and gunpowder at the same time. They are a great match. #lamejoke 

Dance

“The next dance move requires moving your tush in this pattern,” Tim assessed. #lamejoke

Sandpaper

My buddy asked me if he had to use a lower grit sandpaper for his project. I said, “Of coarse.” #lamejoke

Romantic

Joey’s girlfriend always said that he wasn’t a romantic. So he surprised her and proposed to her in a castle. You would think she would have been happy, but for the look on her face as they were bouncing around. #lamejoke 

Saturday

“Saturday is finally here,” Tim said, weakened. #lamejoke 

Toes

I saw a man who made his toes incredibly large. Impressive feat. #lamejoke 

Insect

A friend told me he chased an insect out of his house. I can't tell whether it's true or just make believe. #lamejoke

Pie

Where would you go to weigh a pie? 🎶"Somewhere over the rainbow..." 🎵#lamejoke

Trout

 What you call a trout wearing a bow tie? Sofishticated. #lamejoke

Cancun

I sat on the beach in Cancun for so long, I got a Yucatan. #lamejoke

Bagel

The “everything” bagel is currently no. 1, but someday, it will be superseded. #lamejoke 

SpongeBob

Did you know that SpongeBob is American? Yeah, he lives in a pineapple under D.C. #lamejoke

Sign

I saw a sign that said ‘Watch For Children’ and I thought, “That sounds like a fair trade.” #lamejoke

Cheese

We’re teaching the grand kids to cook. Today we covered the most important lesson: When the cheese turns red, stop grating. #lamejoke

Birds

I was going to post the joke about the tropical birds I glued together. Decided not to. It’s toucan fusing. #lamejoke 

Fire

BREAKING NEWS!!! Count Chocula, the StayPuft Marshmallow Man, and the Teddy Grahams Bear have all perished in a fire. S'More at 11. #lamejoke 

Duck

Then there was the one about the legislator who ate an entire duck, bones, feathers and all, as a publicity stunt to get his new law approved. He had trouble passing the bill. #lamejoke 

Book

I'm currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city. It’s a Rome ants novel. #lamejoke 

Work

Almost no one in the USA goes to work on the Fourth of July. Except fire. Fire works on July 4th! #lamejoke

Monkey

A monkey playing with fireworks? A baboom. #lamejoke

Jell-O

Jell-O spread on a cracker? Pudding on the Ritz. #lamejoke 

Host

“You must be the host,” Tim guessed. #lamejoke 

Opinion

“I’ll write my opinion on an envelope,” said Tim, as he addressed the issue. #lamejoke

Punctuation

After stealing all the punctuation marks off the judge’s keyboard, Joey’s expecting a long sentence. #lamejoke 

Legionnaires

There are two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they've been separated from their unit and are lost.

They've been wandering for several days without food and water, and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration, when as they reach the top of a sand dune, they see a big, bustling market laid out before them. Naturally, they can't believe their eyes and think it's a mirage, but as they draw closer, they can hear the stallholders' cries, and they eventually reach the market and realize that it's really there.

So the legionnaires rush up to the first stall they can and cry to the stallholder, "Stallholder, we have been travelling in the desert for many days, and have had no food or water. We shall surely die soon unless you have some you can sell us. Tell us, do you have any sustenance for us?"

The stallholder shook his head and replied, "I'm sorry, French legionnaire type people, but all I have to sell is a load of bowls full of jelly, topped with custard and cream, and lovingly sprinkled with hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake."

The legionnaires look at each other, mildly surprised, and move on to the next stall, where they ask the stallholder, "Mr purveyor of fine foodstuffs and the like, we have been travelling through the desert for days, deprived of the necessary beverages and foodstuffs which are required for survival. We shall surely die soon, unless you can sell us some skins of water."

The stallholder looked at them embarrassed, and confessed "Gentlemen, tragic as I admit it is, I have none of the ingredients necessary to life for which you ask me. All I have to sell is this large bowl of jelly topped with custard and cream and sprinkled with hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake, with a little cocktail cherry in the middle at the top, there," he said, pointing out the glace cherry. "I cannot help you."

The legionnaires look at each other in desperation, and run on to the next stall, where they demand of the stallholder, "Look, mate, we need water or we'll die. We've been travelling without water for days and need some now. Do you have any you can sell us?"

The stallholder looked at his curl-ended shoes in shame as he confessed, "Sorry, fellas, all I have to sell you is a bowl of jelly, with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake. I can't help you. I'll have to condemn you to a long and lingering death through dehydration."

The legionnaires were really worried by this point, and they went through the market, stall by stall, asking each stallholder whether they had any water they could sell them, and thus save their lives, but each stallholder gave the same reply, all they had to sell was a bowl of jelly with cream, custard and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake.

Dejected and resigned to their grim fate, the legionnaires left the desert market and walked off into the setting sun. As they did so, one turned to the other and said, "That was really odd, a big market in the middle of nowhere, and all they sold was bowls of jelly with custard, cream and hundreds and thousands of pieces of fruit and cake."

The other turned to face his companion and replied, "Yes, it was a trifle bazaar." #lamejoke

Robbers

There are three thieves who, as one final job together, plan on robbing a sacred tomb. Locals warn them that any who attempt to steal from the tomb will be cursed and great danger will befall them, but they decide to go through with it anyway.

They decide to go one at a time in case there really is any danger. The first man enters the tomb, grabs as much as he can carry, and sprints out. As he's leaving, he passes by a giant coffin and then hears a booming voice say, "If you dare to rob this sacred tomb, a great curse shall befall you. You shall die by FIRE!" He's a little spooked, but escapes the tomb unscathed with his riches.

The second man enters the tomb, grabs as much as he can carry, and sprints out. As he's leaving, he also passes a large coffin and hears a booming voice say, "If you dare to rob this sacred tomb, a great curse shall befall you. You shall die by WATER!" He's kinda freaked out, but knows that the first guy survived, and he too escapes the tomb unharmed with more wealth than he could imagine.

The third man enters the tomb, grabs as much as he can carry, and sprints out. As he's leaving, he too passes the huge sarcophagus and hears a booming voice say, "If you dare to rob this sacred tomb, a great curse shall befall you. You shall die by PLAGUE!" At this point, the thieves aren't scared anymore because they've all managed to escape unharmed, so the third guy just walks out of the tomb, his arms full of the spoils of his plunder.

The three thieves part ways and go on to live lavish, pleasant lives using the treasure they'd stolen to get rich. Each man had more than he could ever want, and each was in fantastic health for many years following their tomb robbing.

Fast forward twenty years, and the thieves have all but forgotten the words that echoed from the tomb that fateful day. The first man was enjoying a bonfire with his friends at his Miami beach house. After a night of drinking, most everyone was drowsy or passed out completely. The first man stood up to go inside, tripped over one of his friends, and fell headfirst into the fire pit. He suffered horrible burns all over his body and died as a result of his injuries.

The story made headlines, and after a while word got back to the other two thieves that their friend had perished. Both of them had a vague memory...something about a curse...and dying by fire...but after a few months they all but forgot their old friend and went about their lavish lives.

The second man was celebrating his birthday with his friends and family at an extravagant party on his private island. As night fell, he and a few of his friends decided to go down to the shore and go night-swimming. They, too, were a bit intoxicated, and there was a bit of a storm brewing, but they hardly cared. After swimming for a while, the man gets swept out to sea. He's not a strong swimmer and his friends can't see him, and he ends up drowning.

The third man catches wind of this and starts to panic. Dying by fire, dying by water...will he truly die by plague, as was foretold in the sacred tomb? He starts to put the remainder of this wealth into his health - he visits a different specialist every week, spends money on diet and workout programs, and does whatever he can to ensure that he stays healthy.

However, after several months, a mysterious illness befalls him. Doctors can't figure it out no matter how many tests they run. He's confined to a hospital bed for weeks on end, as he's too weak to even stand and walk. However, he doesn't come any closer to dying, and he starts to regain hope that maybe he's beaten the curse.

His health begins to improve, and soon he has enough strength to sit up in bed and eat on his own. He never has any visitors, as his friends were only his friends because of his great fortune.

One day, a nurse tells him he has a visitor. He's surprised, but excited, and tells the nurse to send them in. She leaves, and soon he hears someone coming down the hallway.

Except it doesn't sound like footsteps.

It's more like an awful, clunky, dragging sound. As if someone's struggling to push a heavy object down the hall.

He hears screams outside his closed door and begins to panic as the noise gets closer, closer, closer. He's still not strong enough to get out of bed, much less escape. He starts looking around him for something to defend himself with. The only things on his side table are a lamp, some magazines, a glass of water, a book he'd been reading, and some throat lozenges (cough drops, as he'd had a pretty nasty cough).

Suddenly, the door swings open. Staring the final thief in the face is the sarcophagus from the tomb. A voice booms out, "You have attempted to avoid the curse, but death waits for no man!" The coffin then begins inching towards him. It flies open, revealing emptiness, and the thief knows if he can't escape he'll be trapped in that coffin and die.

In a last attempt to defend himself, he starts throwing whatever he can reach at the sarcophagus. He chucks the lamp at it as hard as he can, but it keeps coming towards him. Then he tries the book, to no avail. The glass of water - nothing. The magazines - useless. Finally all that's left are the cough drops. The man all but resigns himself to his fate, picks up the lozenges, closes his eyes, and hurls the cough drops. The moment the cough drops hit it, the coffin stops. #lamejoke

June

Are you telling me June is already almost over? No way dude, Julying. #lamejoke 

Orthodontist

I’m gonna teach you how to be your own orthodontist. Brace yourself. #lamejoke 

Lice

There is still no cure for head lice. Scientists are left scratching their heads. #lamejoke 

Blanket

I just checked my insurance. If my blanket is stolen during the night, I won't be covered. #lamejoke

Baseball

Be careful when making a deal with a baseball player. There’s always a catch. #lamejoke

Sharks

I hear it costs an arm and a leg to swim with the sharks. #lamejoke 

Pirate

I don’t mind seeing a few pirate jokes here every now and then, but let’s not go overboard. #lamejoke 

Lamp

In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night. This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation. #lamejoke

Triangle

A triangle got in an accident. Now it’s a wrecked angle. #lamejoke

Bike

I damaged the wheel's hub on my bike. So I went to a repair shop, but the very eloquent technician couldn't help me with it. Turns out he was only a spokesperson. #lamejoke

Sasquatches

Supposedly, sasquatches exist, yet I haven’t seen even one. #lamejoke 

Lab

Set up a cloning lab in your house and make yourself at home. #lamejoke

Fence

We put up an electric fence the other day. My neighbor was dead against it. #lamejoke 

Library

I haven’t posted any library jokes on here recently. I figure we’re long overdue. #lamejoke

Waffle

I dropped my waffle at the beach and ended up with a San Diego. #lamejoke

Speed-reading

I've just begun a speed-reading course, and last night I read Great Expectation in fifteen seconds. I know it's only two words, but I'm still a beginner. #lamejoke

Horses

All those in favor of impersonating horses say, "Aye!" All those opposed..? #lamejoke

Escape

Joey’s four-year old sprinted away from us at the grocery store, making a full escape, after knocking down a towering cereal box display to completely block the row. I was like, “Aisle be dammed.” #lamejoke

Bowl

My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl. I didn’t even know he could. #lamejoke

Name

 My buddy’s name is Jay, but I call him J, for short. #lamejoke

Alaska

Alaska is the biggest state in the US. Didn’t Juneau that? #lamejoke

Markers

It's been a long time coming, but Joey finally confiscated his daughter's markers. The writing’s been on the wall for a while. #lamejoke 

Coffee

Totally unfair! Joey got kicked out of his coffee club. He showed up in a t-shirt. #lamejoke

Single

This guy is buying a banana, an apple, and two eggs. The cashier says, "You must be single." The guy replied, "Wow, how did you know that?" The cashier said, "Because you're ugly." #lamejoke

Farmer

Then there was the one about the farmer who fell asleep under a cow. He got a pat on the head. #lamejoke

Decay

I'm looking for someone to brush their teeth with me, because nine out of ten dentists say that brushing alone won't help tooth decay. #lamejoke 

Barber

Joey’s been accepted into barber school. Looks like he made the cut. #lamejoke 

Eye

The man’s name who only paid 5 cents for a prosthetic eye? Nikolai. #lamejoke

Cows

A local tailor is offering a weird promotion. All month long, cows have been able to bring in their underwear for free alterations. It’s udder May hem. #lamejoke

Asparagus

I went to the store to get ten asparagus, but when I got home I realized that I had gotten eleven. It was just a spare, I guess. #lamejoke 

Meeting

I told a joke during a Zoom meeting and no one laughed. I guess I’m not even remotely funny. #lamejoke 

Monkey

Then there was the one about the monkey that got arrested for throwing lit feces at zoo employees. Three of them were rushed to the hospital with turd degree burns. #lamejoke 

Commuting

It’s not just cell phones that distract drivers these days, Today, there was a rug-maker commuting in rush hour. He was weaving in traffic. #lamejoke

Challenge

Knife-throwers are not afraid of a challenge. In fact, they like to take a stab at lots of things. #lamejoke

Rocky

Did you know that Sylvester Stallone is on his third marriage? His first one was rocky. His second one was rocky too. #lamejoke

Flight

I'm going to start a flight company exclusively for bald people. Receding Airlines. #lamejoke

Test

Joey finally took his driving test yesterday. He got 8 out of 10. The other two guys jumped clear. #lamejoke

Tibia

They're currently excavating the world's largest dinosaur tibia. Apparently, it's a real shindig. #lamejoke

Yellowstone

 I’m working on a joke about Yellowstone National Park. You geyser gonna love it. #lamejoke

Sausage

I just found a great website to get sausage online! I’ll send you a link. #lamejoke 

Knowledge

Knowledge is power. France is bacon. #lamejoke 

Dictionary

I was so bored that I memorized six pages of the dictionary. I learned next to nothing. #lamejoke 

Star Wars

Star Wars. What's the internal temperature of a Tauntaun? Luke warm. #lamejoke 

Windy

Yesterday was very windy. Joey told me something about pissing and wind. I couldn’t remember what it was. But it’s coming back to me now. #lamejoke

Vegetables

Someone told me that it’s impossible to make a pun about vegetables. That’s not nececelery true. #lamejoke 

Movies

What the movies “The Sixth Sense” and “Titanic” have in common? Icy dead people. #lamejoke 

Password

I just realized that "fortnight" is a lousy password. It's too weak. #lamejoke 

Dentist

My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth. He said it was accidental. #lamejoke 

Brides

If the surge in interest in mail-order brides shows anything, it's that you can't buy love. But, you can buy avowal. #lamejoke 

Deodorant

So I bought a deodorant stick today. Instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. Now, I can hardly walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely! #lamejoke

Mayo

Someone just threw some mayo at me. What the Hellman!?! #lamejoke

Factory

My wife works in a factory that makes action figures of The Nanny. She got the job to make new Frans. #lamejoke

Wimbledon

Wimbledon will now offer “quiet” tennis for those with noise sensitivity. Same game but without the racket. #lamejoke

Physics

I'd like to make some jokes about physics, but I’m not particularly good atom. #lamejoke

Hippo

A hippo with one leg? A hoppo. #lamejoke

Crowbars

Did you know that before crowbars were invented, crows just had to stay at home to drink? #lamejoke

Leather

 

Leather is rated based upon its texture. Cows with abundant water sources typically have softer hides rated "A". But hides from cows living in hot, dry climates are typically "D" Hide rated. #lamejoke

Icy

They say 'icy' is the easiest word to spell. I see why. #lamejoke 

Cowboy

Died and came back as a cowboy. I call that reintarnation. #lamejoke

Puppets

Got a couple of sock puppets for sale. Anyone interested in taking them off my hands? #lamejoke 

Daughter

Joey’s daughter had a baby boy and named him Griffin. I suggested that she put a sign up on the entrance to his room. Griffin Door. She huffled and puffed. #lamejoke

Greeter

Joey was just hired as a Walmart people greeter. He’s on Howdy duty. #lamejoke

Bees

I asked for 12 bees. The beekeeper gave me 13. When I asked him why, he said it was a freebie. #lamejoke

Salads

My wife says the salads I make tend to be a bit on the "dry" side. It's definitely something that needs addressing. #lamejoke 

Guitar

Later today I will be giving you one of the important lessons in learning how to play guitar. Stay tuned…. #lamejoke

Spam

I was on an online video call when a picture of a can of Spam appeared on my screen. I think it was a Zoom meat tin. #lamejoke

History

In history, AD means after the birth of Christ. B.C. means before Christ. Before B.C.? A. #lamejoke

Circumference

When measuring the circumference of a pie, using one pie is not enough. But 2πr. #lamejoke

Cheese

I always keep a slice of cheese in my back pocket… just in queso. #lamejoke 

Nutritionists

Some guy just yelled at a small village of nutritionists. He went off on a diet tribe. #lamejoke

Knights

I’m sick of long winded fables of brave knights. They tend to dragon. #lamejoke

Treadmill

Elton John got his pet rabbit a treadmill. It’s a little fit bunny. #lamejoke

Chips

The kind of chips cannibals prefer? Free toes. #lamejoke

Lama

If a lama with one L is a holy man, and a llama with two Ls is an animal, what is a three L lama? A big fire in Boston. #lamejoke

Crabs

Americans think they’re cool, but crabs invented the sidewalk. #lamejoke

Treats

I only had Hostess treats with me when I had to force feed a young sheep to eat. Yep, I had to ram a lamb a Ding Dong. #lamejoke 

Bigfoot

Bigfoot is sometimes confused with Sasquatch, Yeti never complains. #lamejoke 

Frog

They did a blood test on a baby frog to extract its DNA and confirm its heritage. Discovered the frog was 70% British, 20% French, 7% Italian, 2% Dutch, and a tad Pole. #lamejoke

Food

The one food you’d never expect? Soup rice. #lamejoke

Knock

 Dad: Knock knock. 

Son: Who's there? 

Dad: Hike. 

Son: Hike who? 

Dad: Pirates don’t shower before they walk the plank. They just wash up on shore later. #lamejoke

Punchlines

Silly punchlines cheapun the joke. #lamejoke

Motown

I'm almost done telling Motown jokes. I have two or three left in me, four tops. #lamejoke 

Programmer

How does a programmer catch the Easter Bunny? With an ethernet. #lamejoke 

Bread

What hops around and smells like bread? The Yester Bunny. #lamejoke

Vegetable

And you thought nobody was gonna arrive to tell root vegetable jokes here, and then I turnip. #lamejoke

Payment

The pope's preferred payment method? PayPal. #lamejoke

Pirates

Pirates usually pay a buck an ear to get their ears pierced. #lamejoke

Bamboo

Where sarcastic people keep their bamboo? In a pan. Duh. #lamejoke

Eating

If a clown comes to your house and starts eating everything in your fridge, don't get angry. It's all ingest. #lamejoke

Boulder

I discovered a really long boulder while hiking in the desert recently. It was about 1760 yards long. Must be some kind of milestone. #lamejoke 

Contest

The winner of the neck decoration contest? It was a tie. #lamejoke

Records

I'm going to start collecting records. That’s my decision, and it’s vinyl. #lamejoke

Vehicle

The kind of noise a witch’s vehicle makes? Brrrroooom, brrroooom. #lamejoke

Policeman

A policeman retired recently. He gave it a rest. #lamejoke

Insects

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city. It’s a Rome ants novel. #lamejoke

Guillotine

Joey got hired at the guillotine factory. Be heading there tomorrow. #lamejoke 

Pizza

The proper title for a person who makes pizza in a pizzeria? His name is Pete. Pete’s a baker. #lamejoke

Police

Police stopped me and said, “Papers!” So I said, “ Scissors, I WIN!” and drove off. I think he wants a rematch because he’s been chasing me for 20 minutes. #lamejoke

Bees

I asked for twelve bees. The beekeeper gave me thirteen. When I asked him why, he said it was a freebie. #lamejoke 

Orgy

Joey hosted an orgy yesterday. No one came. #lamejoke

Superman

What Superman puts in his drink? Just ice. #lamejoke

Math

Not all math jokes are terrible. Only sum. #lamejoke 

House

Joey's inflatable house got a hole in it, so now he lives in a flat. #lamejoke

Balloons

Although airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control, cases continue to rise. #lamejoke 

Donating

I tried donating blood today. Never again. Too many questions. Whose blood is it? Where did you get it? Why is it in a bucket? #lamejoke

Date

My wife and I had a date last night and it was perfect. Tomorrow we’ll have a fig. #lamejoke 

Airplane

My paper airplane won't fly. It's completely stationary. #lamejoke 

Wife

Joey’s wife keeps complaining about how much she misses him. He’s glad she’s not a better shot. #lamejoke 

Archery

Why the girl who was into archery wanted to date the guy she bought her archery supplies from? He made her quiver. #lamejoke

Blood

Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins. You just have to listen varicosely. #lamejoke

Visit

I can barely remember my last trip to the eye doctor. The whole thing is just a blur. #lamejoke

Creatures

You may have noticed that almost all small garden humanoid creatures have red hats. It’s a little gnome fact. #lamejoke 

Celebrity

The celebrity always ready for cereal? Reese, with her spoon. #lamejoke 

Cloning

My friend said that he doesn't understand cloning. That makes two of us. #lamejoke 

Gym

I don't mind leg day at the gym. It's just the two days after that I can't stand. #lamejoke

Eyes

What would happen if you put eyes on a tire? Wheel see…. #lamejoke

Sheet

Scientists have discovered what is believed to be the world’s largest bed sheet. More on this story as it unfolds. #lamejoke

People

The fact that some people can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can’t put into words. #lamejoke

Poet

The bankrupt poet ode everyone. #lamejoke

Telemarketers

The number of telemarketers it takes to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner. #lamejoke

Fungi

You have to be very precise when identifying fungi. There’s not mushroom for error. #lamejoke

Elephant

The difference between a place where you go for drinks and an elephant passing gas? One is a bar room. The other is a BA ROOOM!!! #lamejoke

Murderer

A murderer joined our pottery class. He went on a kiln spree. #lamejoke

Competiton

I was in a tracing competition once. It ended in a draw. #lamejoke

Lazy

Joey didn’t like it when his wife told him that he was lazy. It’s not like he did anything. #lamejoke

Book

Writing a book about Big Foot will be no small feat. #lamejoke

Job

Joey just started his new job as an executioner. He’ll be heading there soon. #lamejoke

Motown

I only have two, maybe three good Motown puns in me – four tops. #lamejoke

Action

My new action figure keeps falling over when I put it up on the shelf. It’s so irritating, I can’t stand it. #lamejoke

Asses

There’s a new study about women and how they feel about their asses. The results were pretty interesting. 30% of women think their ass is too fat, 10% of women think their ass is too skinny. The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he is a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world! #lamejoke

Carpet

When I told the contractor that I didn't want any carpet on the steps up to the attic, he gave me a blank stair. #lamejoke

Backpack

An Iraqi father wearing a backpack? Bag dad. #lamejoke

Exam

Joey recently took his naval exams. He got seven Cs. #lamejoke

Halloween

There's only one thing I really like about Halloween. Which is….     #lamejoke

Studying

I love studying the stone age. It’s one of my favorite pastimes. #lamejoke

Water

 Listen carefully when you squeeze water from a towel. It has a nice wring to it. #lamejoke

Weekend

Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde – just a really bad spell of weather. #lamejoke 

Coal

Joey owned a coal company, but kept it to himself. Mined his own business. #lamejoke

Rigid

My tape measure isn't rigid enough. It just doesn’t measure up. #lamejoke

Milk

Studies have shown that cows produce more milk when you talk to them. Sounds like in one ear and out the udder. #lamejoke 

Potion

Joey claims to have created an age reversal potion. I think he’s kidding himself. #lamejoke

Pirate

The pirate lost his stash. Turns out it was right under his nose all along. #lamejoke

Underwear

Joey went into the lingerie store and asked if the underwear was satin. They said no, it’s brand new. #lamejoke

Witch

I met a dyslexic witch. She can’t spell. #lamejoke 

Cheese

I never understood the part in the song where it says “the cheese stands alone”. I thought cheese lacked toes. #lamejoke

Solipsistic

Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me? #lamejoke

Alphabet

You've heard of Alphabet Soup? Now get ready for Times New Ramen. #lamejoke 

Church

If you fart in church, you sit in your own pew. #lamejoke 

Argument

Joey had an argument with his daughter. She said she 'can't even' then stormed off. She's been acting quite odd lately. #lamejoke

Words

A lot of French words have crept into the English language. Hors d'oeuvres for starters. #lamejoke

Vase

I went thru several different emotions as I witnessed someone casually holding a priceless ancient Chinese vase above an open top of an underground water retainer. It was overwhelming. #lamejoke

Tepee

I told my wife that we should put a tepee in our backyard with colored lights. "Now is the winter of our disco tent." #lamejoke

Dog

Joey used to have a dog that farted a particular musical note. It was a sharp “A”. #lamejoke

Lice

Once upon a time, a young man developed an itchy head that lasted for days. At his wits end, he finally visited the doctor to be checked for lice. When the examination ended, the doctor broke the news that there were no lice at all, but rather, his head was infested with an army of tiny turtles. This is the story of the tortoise in the hair. #lamejoke

Nose

My buddy wants to get a nose job and asked which one I liked the most, but I didn't say. After all...you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. #lamejoke

Ceiling

My neighbor asked me to help him hang some sheet rock on his hallway ceiling. I said, “Man, that’s screwed up.” #lamejoke 

Jokes

Dad jokes. That’s how eye roll. #lamejoke

Cattle

I have something to say about see-through cattle. Steer clear. #lamejoke

Chickens

Chickens only make one sound because they can’t think outside the bawks. #lamejoke

Restaurant

The busy cannibal restaurant told its customers to order ahead. #lamejoke

Corn

When I woke up this morning, I found that my whole body had turned to corn. If anyone has any suggestions, I’m all ears. #lamejoke

Lumber

I used to work at a lumber yard, but I got board. #lamejoke 

God

My wife said that I look like a Greek god. Her actual words were, “Put your clothes on, you idiot, we’re in a museum!” But I know what she really meant. #lamejoke

Frisbee

Then there’s the one about the ultimate frisbee competition on TV. It’s on the Disc Hovery network. #lamejoke 

Poison

In ancient Rome, there were four kinds of poisons. Poisons I, II, and III would kill you instantly, but Poison IV would just make you itch. #lamejoke

Pancakes

I prefer to eat my pancakes raw. They’re just batter that way. #lamejoke

Clowns

Then there's the one about the entire second floor of a hotel that was rented to a group of clowns. It’s a pretty funny story. #lamejoke