Stocks

I’ve decided to invest in stocks, i.e., beef, chicken, vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire. #lamejoke 

Music

Every elf’s favorite type of music? Wrap. #lamejoke

Bust

My art teacher tried to discourage me from making that metal bust, but I decided to forge a head anyway. #lamejoke 

Gnomes

Almost all Christmas gnomes have red hats. It’s a little-gnome fact. #lamejoke

Letter

Why E was the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E. #lamejoke 

Drinks

I don't believe in partaking in customary Christmas drinks. I guess you can call me eggnostic. #lamejoke 

Moat

An ankle-deep moat filled with molten sugar is the best defense a castle can have to ensure the defenders candy feet every single attacker. #lamejoke

Chip

Santa Claus's favorite type of potato chip? Crisp Pringles. #lamejoke 

Difference

The difference between a camera and a sock? A camera takes photos A sock takes five toes. #lamejoke 

Ropes

Joey showed his girlfriend a technique he’d learned for tying two ropes together. She proceeded to make out with him wildly. The problem is that he can't tell whether she loves him or knot. #lamejoke

Abstinence

Then there was the one about the jazz musician who's practicing abstinence. He decided to give up sax. #lamejoke 

Origami

I’m no good at origami, but my skills are in creasing. #lamejoke 

Pierced

Last night, at the pub, I saw a guy get his nipple pierced right in front of me. On an unrelated note, I suck at darts. #lamejoke 

Women

According to a recent survey, 20% of women think their ass is too fat. Another 10% thought their ass was too skinny. The other 70% didn’t care either way. They married him and they love him, regardless of his weight. #lamejoke

Doom

Which Old Testament prophet would take The Ring to Mount Doom? Elijah would. #lamejoke