Lost

I got lost while hiking once. After several nervous hours trying to retrace my steps and establish where I was, eventually a park ranger found me. I told him I'd been following my compass, but I'd still got lost. When I showed him my compass, he saw it was made by Tait & Co. He told me they were a notoriously unreliable brand. "He who has a Tait's is lost!" #lamejoke

Singing

A woman who won't stop singing Christmas songs? Carolyn. #lamejoke 

Ants

Two ants tried to make a seesaw using a toothpick and half a crumb, but it didn't work. They needed a full crumb. #lamejoke 

Soup

Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfuls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the tablecloth.

He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked."

The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Maybe it has a leek in it!" #lamejoke

Hill

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music! #lamejoke

Mermaids

Given their anatomy, some people wonder how mermaids can give birth. They usually have a sea section. #lamejoke 

Business

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.

His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of "dye a rhea". #lamejoke

Fireworks

Speaking of travels, I heard that when Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he was quite impressed with their rockets. Now, these weren't quite the fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and make some pretty patterns. Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate them for him.

"Not here!" they said. ...very confusing. Until ol' Marc came upon an ancient military fortification at the community of Chu'Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every night, and Marc was very impressed!

But still he wondered, "Why here?" At the end of every week, people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch. So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.

Marc's guide replied: "Why honored Sir, We always set off fireworks on the Forts of Chu'Lai." #lamejoke

Subtract

If you subtract 2 from 4, what’s left? The opposite of right. #lamejoke

Football

Way back when we first met, I took my wife to her first football game. Afterward, I asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight pants and all the big hard muscles. But I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." I asked her: "What do you mean?" "Well, they flip a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I'm like hello? It's only 25 cents!" #lamejoke 

Sheep

I hired a female sheep to distribute advertisements for my flower arranging business, because only ewe can prevent florist flyers. #lamejoke

Stocks

I started investing in stocks. Beef, chicken, and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire. #lamejoke

Shovel

Joey’s wife told him that it was his turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All she got were icy stares. #lamejoke

Pirate

A pirate captain, his first mate, and their crew of seven scallywags had sailed the seven seas for years. They suffered from scurvy, gnarly skin conditions, and dehydration, but tests showed they never developed any malignant tumors. Why were they always cancer-free? Because there be nine. #lamejoke 

Clocks

Typically there are no clocks in libraries because they tock too much. #lamejoke