Every day a peddler pulled his cart of wool from his home to the village market. It was a long trip. He had to travel around the perimeter of a large lake that was owned by the town tycoon, a modern-day scrooge.

One day during the winter the lake froze over. The peddler realized that he could cut off two miles from his trip if he crossed over the frozen lake. He was spotted halfway across the lake by the tycoon.

Scrooge came racing out of his mansion and screamed at the peddler, "I'll be darned if I let anyone pull the wool over my ice!"

Are palm trees always green?

Yes, except at a fortune teller's, where palms are read.

What did the tree surgeon say about the diseased elm?

“Its bark is worse than its blight.”

How do you find Sir Lancelot in the dark?

With a knight light.

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.

So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?" The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After
an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

If twelve make a dozen, how many make a million?

Very few.

When does the moon burp?

When it's full.

A young woman, extraordinarily attractive in personality, character and presentation, was suffering from a illness that made her lips cracked and sore. The slightest movement of her mouth caused pain and embarrassment. Her condition, though not cured, was somewhat relieved by the application of a prescription medication from her physician. The instructions on the prescription were to apply the medication once daily, but the young woman found that more frequent applications were palatable and effective.

After exhausting her supply, she returned to the doctor’s office for another prescription.

The receptionist announced to the returning patient to the doctor: “It’s the super gal with the fragile lips expecting extra doses.”

What does your mother's sister become when she's nervous?

Aunt-sy.

What happened to the wooden plane with the wooden wheels and wooden engine?

It wooden go..

What animal says “mooski”?

A Moscow.

A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her date asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: ‘Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!’ Hell-looo! It’s only 25 cents!”

Why was the dried grape called on in school?

It was raisin its hand.

What do you call a baby ant?

An inf-ant.

Did you hear about the mad scientist who put dynamite in the fridge?

He blew his cool.

What do you call basketball nets in Hawaii?

Hula hoops.

A bill collector knocked on the door of a country debtor. "Is Fred home?" he asked the woman who answered the door. "Sorry," the woman replied. "Fred's gone for cotton."

The next day the collector tried again. "Is Fred here today?" "No, sir," she said, "I'm afraid Fred has gone for cotton."

When he returned the third day he sighed, "I suppose Fred is gone for cotton again,?" "No," the woman answered solemnly, "Fred died yesterday."

Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Fred's tombstone, with this inscription: "Gone, But Not for Cotton."

“So, how did the class reunion go?” he asked.

“Kinda fun. Some sad moments, though. Remember Lucy? I found out she died,” she answered.

“How awful! What happened?”

“She got a job at a chemical plant. Keith Simons was working there. You know what those two were like. Couldn’t think of anything but sex. Anyway, one lunch break they sneaked out to a favorite spot right in the middle of the factory and started making love. They rolled under a railing and fell right into a vat of Methyl Orange that some idiot had left open. Tragicomic, y’know.”

She paused for effect. “It reminds me of a Beatles song.”

“Huh? Which one?”

“Lucy in the Dye with Simons.”

Although mankind has always been prone to violence, a treaty was enacted in the third millennium which expressly banned all explosives. Naturally, the next World War was fought with biological weapons. Unfortunately, all humanity was exterminated.

There remained in the North American continent, a vault which housed experimental chickens. Being sealed from all exposure until after danger passed, two of the hens managed to survive. Being the result of DNA mutation experiments, they were both quite intelligent.

The Leghorn was an avid reader and experimenter by nature but the Rhode Island Red was a only interested in the latest fashions in clothing. Unfortunately they argued constantly. Because of their different viewpoints, they just could not get along.

Finally the Leghorn solved the problem. Shortly before the War, Route 66 had been reconstructed, dividing the entire continent in half. The Leghorn took the southern half of America and the Rhode Island Red the north half.

This worked well until winter. When things got cold, the Leghorn read the proper books and learned how to build a fire. The Rhode Island Red found herself slowly freezing to death. What could she do? Her solution? During the dark of night, she crept into the Leghorn’s camp and killed her. Then she took the skin and feathers and made a stylish chicken feather coat.

Finally, at the very sunset of earth’s history, the question that has plagued mankind over the centuries was answered.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

She wanted to get to the other’s hide!

There once was a man from Peru
who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He woke up one night
in a terrible fright
to find it was perfectly true.

A year-long argument was finally settled a few days ago with a conference in the Mayor’s office. The situation involved a double-booking of the Town Hall, with a computer trade show and a Shakespeare appreciation society performance. After hearing talks from both parties, the Mayor and the town’s entertainment committee discussed the matter and decided to let the Shakespeare appreciation society use the hall for their performance.

It just goes to show that “actors speak louder than nerds!”

A frequent restaurant patron noted that another frequent customer was a brown-robed, bare-footed monk. Every day, the monk would come in and order the lunch special. And, every day, the waitress would charge him only half price.

While he could appreciate the courtesy accorded to a man of the cloth, the patron felt there was a certain unfairness involved, so he complained. He was somewhat mollified when the waitress explained that the monk was a member of the restaurant’s frequent friar program.

The dyslexic, insomniac agnostic lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.

What do you call a trash bag full of mutilated laboratory monkeys?

Rhesus Pieces.

What happens if you sing country music backwards?

You get both your job and your wife back.

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children started discussing what the dog's duties might be.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child concluded. "No, silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!"

One Christmas, Phil and Will built a skating rink in the middle of a pasture. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn't cross it.

Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side.

"Look at that," remarked Phil to Will. "That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!"

Why did all the elephants go on strike?

They got tired of working for peanuts.

What did the big bucket say to the small bucket?

You look a little pail.

If H2O is on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?

K9P.