Coffee

Coffee was just voted the best drink in the nation. It was an unfair vote. There were absent tea ballots. #lamejoke

Knock

Dad-Knock knock. Son-Who's there? Dad-Hike. Son- Hike who? 

Unsuspecting son 

Dad waiting with bated breath 

Sets the perfect trap #lamejoke

Sushi

I thought I'd been stung by a wasp while eating sushi. Turned out it wasabi. #lamejoke

Temperature

The internal temperature of a Taun Taun? Luke warm. #lamejoke

Son

My son once asked me, "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds, then said, “And Tigger?” #lamejoke

Lost

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice. #lamejoke

#lamejokes

I studied #lamejokes in college. Majored in sighcology. #lamejoke

Counterfeit

Joey started a counterfeit currency company. It was slow at first, but now he’s making good money. #lamejoke

Kool-Aid

I remember the Kool-Aid man from the 90’s. Played baseball, right? I think he was the pitcher. #lamejoke

Addict

After years of being an addict, Joey checked himself into Waltzers Anonymous. It’s a three step program. #lamejoke

Marathon

Running a Norwegian marathon next week. It goes all the way to the Finnish line. #lamejoke

Tires

What aging tires reminisce about? The good years. #lamejoke

Owls

Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs because they’re Inca hoots. #lamejoke

'33

Someone born in '33 was 45 in '78. That has to be a record. #lamejoke

Democracy

You know a democracy has become impotent when it can no longer maintain an election. #lamejoke

English

Joey struggles with his English. He uses adverbs regularly. But prepositions? Only off and on. #lamejoke

Shriner

What one Shriner said to another Shriner at the convention? I don’t remember your name, but your fez looks familiar. #lamejoke

Painter

Everyone knows about the famous painter, Bob Ross, but few have heard about his brother Albert, who was famous for his six foot wingspan. #lamejoke

Laundry

Joey’s wife challenged him to a game of strip poker, but she just wanted to do laundry. He folded. #lamejoke

Zoom

Joey told a joke during the Zoom meeting yesterday. It wasn’t even remotely funny. #lamejoke

Soup

You’ve heard of alphabet soup, right? Now get ready for Times New Ramen. #lamejoke

Phone

Just when you think that vegetables don’t have a phone, onion rings. #lamejoke

Music

Joey’s dog shows that she likes classical music by Wagner tail. #lamejoke

Cosmetic

Joey’s not saying that cosmetic surgery cured his depression, but it definitely put a smile on his face. #lamejoke

Beatles

It’s a shame that the Beatles didn’t make the underwater vehicle in that song green. That would’ve been sublime. #lamejoke

Grouch

I think I know why Oscar is such a grouch - Irritable Bowel Syndrome. He spends all his time in the can. #lamejoke

Horseradish

Do you like horseradish? Yay or neigh? #lamejoke

Bees

Even though I already had little houses for four bee swarms, when a new swarm of bees arrived, I was very excited. I gave them a hive five. #lamejoke

Bugs

Then there was the one about this guy who rented out a pair of bugs. He was the lessor of two weevils. #lamejoke

Dentist

Be kind to your dentist. They have fillings too. #lamejoke

Dumpling

I went to a dumpling restaurant the other day, but all the lights were really bright so I asked the waiter to dim sum. #lamejoke

Orcas

You know what’s great about orcas? They do a killer whale impersonation. #lamejoke

Door

I ran into the screen door. Fortunately, I wasn’t injured, but I did strain myself. #lamejoke

Cher

They tried to knight Cher. It didn’t go well. She melted down. Turns out it was a bad idea to try to make Cher noble. #lamejoke

Rolls

I love synonym rolls. Just like grammar used to make. #lamejoke

Rooster

A local farmer replaced his rooster with a duck. Now he gets up at the quack of dawn. #lamejoke

Island

Did you know that despite the name, there are no canaries on Canary Island? It's the same with the Virgin Islands. No canaries there either. #lamejoke

Engaged

Joey has been engaged over five times but never married. That’s a lot of near Mrs. #lamejoke

Hinges

If anyone knows how to repair broken hinges, my door is always open. #lamejoke

Origami

Joey made it to the Origami Nationals. He folded under pressure. #lamejoke

Stain

I once saw a 3,000 year old oil stain. Prolly came from ancient Greece. #lamejoke

Doctor

A woman went to the doctor’s office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded: “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Thomas is 67 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up, said: “Does she still have the hiccups?” #lamejoke

Fence

How big is the average fence? Around a yard. #lamejoke

Fighting

I just read a very long article on Japanese Sword Fighting. Allow me to Samurais it for you. #lamejoke

Hook

Captain Hook is in trouble. Someone please give him a hand. #lamejoke

Lassos

I didn’t choose this job assembling lassos for local cowboys. I got roped into it. #lamejoke

Scrabble

After finally winning a round of Scrabble, I stood on the game board while reciting Shakespeare. My wife asked, “Is this another one your stupid jokes?” I’m like, “No babe… it’s a play on words.” #lamejoke

Coal

Did you hear the one about the guy who hated coal? Never mined. #lamejoke

Teslas

The reason Teslas are so expensive is because they charge a lot. #lamejoke

Arabic

I thought I heard someone say hello to me in Arabic. Turns out it was a false Salaam. #lamejoke

Lettuce

The government just shut down a farm after receiving a tip that they were splicing human and lettuce DNA. Once on the scene, they found human romaines. #lamejoke

Guitar

If you want to know how to sound good when playing a guitar, stay tuned.... #lamejoke

Crackers

I returned my box of Animal Crackers. The seal was broken. #lamejoke

Brother

Asked my wife if she knew that Bruce Lee had a brother who didn’t tolerate joking around. She rolled her eyes and said, “Seriously?” I’m like, “Oh… you’ve heard of him!” #lamejoke

Salons

Nail salons are making a fortune these days. There’s a lot of money changing hands. #lamejoke

Meat

I know a place where you can buy dog meat cheap! It’s sold by the pound. #lamejoke

Soup

When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat the vowels. Why? Sometimes. #lamejoke

Confusing

The United States can be confusing. It just doesn’t make cents anymore. #lamejoke

King

Why Istanbul doesn’t have a king? Because they can’t stand a noble. #lamejoke

Pigs

So, this teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. When she came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home, she read, "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"The teacher paused, then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly, "I think the man would have said, ‘Well, dang, a talking pig!’” #lamejoke

Bullets

Then there was the one about the girl who ate bullets. Her hair grew out in bangs. #lamejoke

Dent

Joey hit a bird with his car. It left a small dent. Looks like mynah damage to me. #lamejoke

Chess

I lost one of my chess pieces, so I went to the pawnshop to buy another. #lamejoke

Corn

What happens if you don't chew your corn while eating? You get poopcorn. #lamejoke

Salmon

Can a salmon box? No, but a tuna can. #lamejoke

Crow

Don't panic if your pet crow doesn't wake you up in the morning. There’s no caws for alarm. #lamejoke

Lakes

No one ever steals lakes in Scotland. They’re kept under loch and quay. #lamejoke

Painters

Did you know that when painters get cold, they put on an extra coat? #lamejoke

Jokes

Telling dad jokes isn’t my main job. It’s a sigh gig. #lamejoke

Hair

Joey spent over $5000 on a hair system which is a lot toupee. #lamejoke

Hazelnut

Why is one of the tellers at the bank called "hazelnut"? Because he's a Nutella! #lamejoke

Dog

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought ,"Dogs are easily amused." Then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail. #lamejoke

Loudest

The member of the balloon family that's the loudest? Papa Balloon. #lamejoke

Helsinki

Joey went on a trip to Helsinki and was never heard of again. He just disappeared into Finnair. #lamejoke

Difference

The difference between a camera and a foot? One has photos, the other has five toes. #lamejoke

Anesthetic

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that there’s safety in large numb bears. #lamejoke

Sandpaper

I’m reading this book about sandpaper. Turns out it’s a work of friction. #lamejoke

Diarrhea

Getting over diarrhea may not be the greatest feeling ever, but it’s a solid number two. #lamejoke

Preacher

A small-town preacher was proud of his ability to improvise a sermon on any topic, even if he knew nothing about it. He never prepared, just improvised on whatever came to his mind Sunday morning. One Sunday morning he woke up and told his wife, "I'm going to base my sermon today on horseback ridin’.

"But you don't know anything about horseback riding!" she said. "I don't want to watch you embarrass yourself, I'm staying home."

“All right," he said, and drove off to church.

On the way there, he began to have second thoughts. He really didn't know anything about horseback riding and finally decided to preach a sermon on love and intimacy in marriage.

It went very well - so well that when one of his congregants saw his wife at the grocery store the next day, she said, “You missed a great sermon yesterday – your husband was on fire! That was the best sermon I've ever heard!"

His wife said, "Really? He literally knows nothing about it. In all his life he's done it just twice - once before we were married, once after - and both times he fell right off." #lamejoke

Undertaker

Joey’s wife is an undertaker. They have two vehicles… his and hearse. #lamejoke

Resolution

My New Year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating. I decided it was time to lose wait. #lamejoke

Pants

How did King Arthur get his shiny metal knit pants? He bought them via mail order. #lamejoke

Doctor

Joey went to the doctor and told him that he kept thinking he was Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. The doctor asked him how long he’d been having these Disney spells. #lamejoke

Shirley

Siri just told me that I shouldn't call her Shirley. I think I had my phone in airplane mode. #lamejoke

Addiction

Waterpark addiction is no joke. It’s a very slippery slope. #lamejoke

Hamill

Joey drew Mark Hamill on his wife's forehead. You should have seen the Luke on her face. #lamejoke

Diagnosis

How a gastroenterologist arrives at a diagnosis of Irritable Bowel Syndrome? Prolly by the process of elimination. #lamejoke