What happens when you buy a bigger bed?

You have more bed room but less bedroom.

What did the butcher say when he found a group of people who'd been trapped in his meat locker all night?

Icy dead people.

Why is being a pirate is so popular?

Once you lose your hand, you're hooked!

How do you stop a skunk smelling?

Hold its nose.

How do trees get online?

They log in.

So, I wanted to publish my book on how to maximize storage usage in the kitchen. 

But the publisher refused, saying they could not publish illegal material. 

Stupid anti counter fitting laws.

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Tinselitis.

Capitalization can really change a sentence.

Example:

I love to eat candy.

I love to eat capitalization.

What is a ninja's favorite drink?

Wataaaaaaa!!!

They walk down the aisle in their underwear and it's called "art" and "fashion".

When Joey does it, he's "drunk" and "not allowed back in Target".

What hides in Santa's bakery at Christmas?

A mince spy! 

Who does Sherlock Holmes face after E. R. T.?

Moriarty.

Why are people in Taiwan's capital so serious?

They all have Taipei personalities.

Which of Santa’s reindeer needs to mind his manners the most?

Rude-Olph.

How do you make a chicken egg roll?

Put it on an inclined plane.

Bold prediction:

Prediction.

What do you call a hairstyle that didn't use hairspray, and came out terribly?

 A no-can do.

What kind of music do wind turbines like?  They're big metal fans.

What's the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?

One you'll see after while and the other you'll see later.

These two shepherds are leaning on their staffs at the end of a long day and the first asks the second, "So, how's it going?"

The second one sighs and shakes his head, "Not good, I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me." 

The first replies, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."

Why are there always two EMTs in an ambulance?

Because they're a pair of medics.

How do baby skunks follow their mom at night?

End stinks.

What's a drunk rabbit been drinking?

Hopscotch.

What's the best way to eat a hot dog?

With relish.

"I need to call the doctor today."

"Which doctor?"

"No, the regular kind."

How do you know the letters A through Y are all evil letters?  

Because they're all not Zs.

What did the facial hair say when it ran away? 

Moustache.

How does a clock communicate with small bugs?

Tick talk.

How do plants greet?

Aloe.

What is it called if you prefer bowls over plates?

Dishcrimination.

To whomever stole my thesaurus....

You made my day bad. 

I hope bad things happen to you. 

You're a bad person.