Speak no more than necessary. To do otherwise is just sylly. #lamejoke

My new job is digging holes to look for water. It is, well, boring. #lamejoke

The optimist sees the donut whole; the pessimist sees the donut hole. #lamejoke

Joey dressed up as Satan and started combining oxygen, nitrogen, argon, carbon dioxide, and methane. He has a real Devil make air attitude. #lamejoke

Then there was the one about the mechanic who slept under the car because he wanted to wake up oily in  the morning. #lamejoke

I’ve decided to write a book about a person who learns to take better care of their hair as they get older. I see it as a real combing-of-age story. #lamejoke

Hey dad, will you shoot the ball? No thanks, I'll pass. #lamejoke

Dig politicians' graves at least 100 feet beneath the surface, because deep down, they are good people. #lamejoke 

Buying three dozen head of cattle nearly wiped me out. Then I bought four more. I really need a forty bull housing. #lamejoke

Driving with one headlight isn't very bright. #lamejoke

Joey told me he wants to make a house out of car tires. I'm thinking it's prolly gonna take a good year or two.  #lamejoke

I have this weird Christmas talent where I can identify what’s inside a wrapped present. It's a gift. #lamejoke

Joey's started dating this girl who works at the zoo. His mom likes her too. Thinks she's a keeper. #lamejoke

I don't know who invented haircuts, but it was probably a barberian. #lamejoke

Making a boat out of stone would be a hardship. #lamejoke

I thought I'd won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture. But when I got home, the tables were turned. #lamejoke

I thought about posting a fish pun, but I'm trying to scale back. #lamejoke

Multiple dalmatians have been spotted around the world. #lamejoke

I've always wanted a job estimating crowd sizes. I wonder how many people are in that field. #lamejoke

Your nose is in the middle of your face because it's the scenter. #lamejoke

I went to a Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous meet up...and boy, did I see a lot of new faces! #lamejoke

The inventor of auto-correct died recently. His funeral is next monkey. #lamejoke

I got offered an amazing deal today. Someone offered to sell me a stereo with a broken volume knob! I couldn't turn it down. #lamejoke

A murderer is to be executed by electric chair and the priest asked if he had any last request. The man asked to hold the the priest's hand. The priest was shocked.  #lamejoke

When I told the contractor I didn't want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair. #lamejoke

If you're vegan, you may think people who sell meat are horrible, but apparently someone who sell fruit and veg is grocer. #lamejoke

I tried to make ice cream the other day, but it didn't churn out too well. #lamejoke

Joey is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes. It’s like shooting fish in apparel. #lamejoke

My entire body, from the neck down, was erased while I was trying to build a teleportation device. I decided to quit while I was ahead. #lamejoke

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll. #lamejoke

Joey wants to have rhinoplasty. It's the only way his wife won't mind him picking his nose. #lamejoke

Got my best friend a fridge for his birthday. I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it. #lamejoke

It’s hard for fisheries to find insurance. Most policies don’t cover acts of Cod. #lamejoke

Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo. I'll keep you updated as the story unfolds. #lamejoke

My wife and I were arguing about which vowel was most important. I won. #lamejoke 

The tire store was having a blowout sale. #lamejoke

A friend said that I couldn't think of a pun about an ocean full of night birds. Owl just have to sea about that.... #lamejoke

I heard that now you can print a gun off a 3D printer, but I'm not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years. #lamejoke

I wanted to make my fortune creating perfumes, but I only made a few scents. #lamejoke

A number and a letter were having a race. About half-way, the number was leading by 30 yards. Go figure. #lamejoke

My wife is an incredible cook. Apparently, she has supperpowers. #lamejoke

I finally quit my job at the lollipop factory. So long, suckers! #lamejoke

When they used bleach to clear a dark, wet corner, they broke the mold. #lamejoke

My wife and I were talking about people owning strange animals and she said, “I’ve always wanted to get a manatee.” I said, “Thank you very much, I’ll have it with milk and two sugars please.” #lamejoke

The robot became sentient by thinking outside the box. #lamejoke

Joey's wife left him when he became a contortionist. He should be sad, but he's knot. #lamejoke

Joey skipped school to go bungee jumping with his friends. He got suspended. #lamejoke

Scrabble is all fun and games until someone loses an "i". #lamejoke

What do you say of a young man living in Idaho that does something unintelligent? Boise stupid. #lamejoke

If you were to touch 250 volts at once, what happens next might shock you. #lamejoke

Ran the floor sander for hours today. Feels like I only scratched the surface. #lamejoke

You got promoted from captain to a higher rank? I bet that major day! #lamejoke

Joey lost his job in the oil and gas industry because of all these wind farms. Needless to say, he's not a big fan. #lamejoke

The wig shop went out of business because people didn't want toupee. #lamejoke

Never hitchhike after dark. That's my rule of thumb. #lamejoke

I saw an advertisement for hair implants. It was a shameless plug. #lamejoke

I had a dream where I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like 0mg. #lamejoke

Woke up to a loud noise this morning. I was alarmed. #lamejoke

My pursuit of perfect speech has become a diction. #lamejoke

The stutterer died in prison before he finished his sentence. #lamejoke

After cosmetic surgery, the pelican faced a huge bill. #lamejoke

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know. #lamejoke

The doctor has given Joey some anti-gloating cream. Now all he wants to do is rub it in. #lamejoke

There's no problem with you dressing up as a red vegetable for Halloween, as long as you beetroot to yourself. #lamejoke

Dieting fraud is high weigh robbery. #lamejoke

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails. But when it does happen, no one is shocked. #lamejoke

To attract new visitors, the Museum of Natural History ran a promotion where they gave away actual dinosaur vertebrae from their collection. Everyone was taken aback. #lamejoke

When women get to a certain age, they start collecting lots of cats. This is known as many paws. #lamejoke

How did the hackers escape? They just ransomware. #lamejoke

I thought Friday was a sad day. Turns out tomorrow is a sadder day. #lamejoke

Glue sticks. Duh. #lamejoke

Seven doesn't have many friends because he's odd. #lamejoke

Joey used to date a girl who had cataracts. Things were going great until one day she stopped seeing him. #lamejoke

It occurs to me that a vampire might also be a necromancer. #lamejoke

I learned a lot about fairness from the Goddess of Pop and her body double - Cher and Cher-alike. #lamejoke

Oil paints are an excellent fuel. They make my van Gogh. #lamejoke

The small wooden wall was feeling a little board. #lamejoke

I made a bad joke about an axe. No one laughed. It wasn’t very cleaver. #lamejoke

I play soccer for kicks. #lamejoke

Driving to an event a bit quickly, Joey said that he's bred for speed. I told him to be careful or he'd be toast. #lamejoke

William Shakespeare was deciding what pencil to use - 2B or not 2B. #lamejoke

Never give a Gremlin a calculator after midnight. They will multiply. #lamejoke

There's a wash basin with a faucet on your front porch knocking on the door. Let that sink in. #lamejoke

Spell check is my new worst enema. #lamejoke

Sauron is a great name. It has a nice ring to it. #lamejoke

All clocks only have two hands. You may think they have a third hand, but it’s really just a second hand. #lamejoke

You know the fleeting second of shock you get when you stumble over an extension cord? It's a real power trip. #lamejoke

The zookeeper was struggling to explain why two tropical birds were stuck together. It was toucan fusing. #lamejoke

Joey's two year old tried tying his shoes today. He could knot. #lamejoke

The 70 year old fungus said, "I mold." #lamejoke

I’m convinced that highlighters are the pens of the future. Mark my words. #lamejoke

Yesterday my car was keyed. The good news is the damage seems to b minor. #lamejoke

And then there was the one about the burglar stole a kilt and then, in court, he plaid guilty. #lamejoke

How did San Diego get it’s name? A guy was walking down the beach, eating a frozen waffle, and he dropped it. #lamejoke

Joey's having his face molded into clay. I think he's getting ahead of himself. #lamejoke

Alcohol doesn't make you fat, it makes you lean.... against tables, chairs, floors, walls, etc. #lamejoke

What do I think of frozen sculptures? They're okay icy pose. #lamejoke

A man and his wife went mattress shopping. He wanted a soft mattress, but she didn't. No matter what he said, she was going to stand firm. #lamejoke

It upsets me when the refrigerator breaks. It's just not cool. #lamejoke

When lawyers die, do they lie still? #lamejoke

Joey went shopping and saw an attractive woman dressed as Snow White working at one of the stores. She was the fairest of the mall. #lamejoke

If you suck at playing the trumpet, that's probably why. #lamejoke

Hopefully, this season, the NFL can tackle concussions head-on. #lamejoke #nojoke

Moliere's influence on modern comedy just shows that he was very farce-sighted. #lamejoke

It's okay to borrow a book from the public library once in a while, but try not to overdue it. #lamejoke

The vending machine went to the hospital to have a tumor looked at. The doctor said that it was B9. #lamejoke

My wife accused me of liking Dracula, Chocula, and Monte Cristo. She was right on all counts. #lamejoke

My mailman buddy tells a lot of jokes about undelivered letters, but nobody gets them. #lamejoke

My friend said he doesn't understand cloning. That makes two of us. #lamejoke

Never take a nail to a bar. They tend to get hammered. #lamejoke

I contacted someone to replace the old wood on my floor. I’m still waiting for a re ply. #lamejoke

A Swede wouldn’t make a good Beatles song, but a Norwegian would. #lamejoke

So then there's the one about the aspiring thief who enters the theatre and steals the spotlight. #lamejoke

My flat-Earther friend decided to walk to the edge of the world to prove it's flat. In the end, he came around. #lamejoke

Joey's girlfriend likes wine and cheese, but she hates Meatloaf. I guess two out of three ain't bad. #lamejoke

Neil Diamond has just bought his new car, a Saab, on eBay. Or, in other words, he got a Swede car online. #lamejoke

When an escaped prisoner was caught camping out in the woods it was a clear case of criminal in tent. #lamejoke

I like grandfather clocks. Big time. #lamejoke

I think I'm going to hire the same landscaper I used last year. He was really easy to get a lawn with. #lamejoke

My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I'm on the fence.... #lamejoke

I don't normally post puns about fractions, but I will if I have two. #lamejoke

We had a new air conditioning system installed. It's really cool. #lamejoke

I'm looking for some good fish puns. If any come to mind, let minnow. #lamejoke

An almost enlightened Buddhist was working on the set of Wheel of Fortune. It was near-Vanna. #lamejoke

Joey's wife is really upset that he has no sense of direction, so he packed up his stuff and right. #lamejoke

I hate it when the grammar police single me out. It seems like a which hunt. #lamejoke

The two doritos who were in love were happily in a relationchip. #lamejoke

Do you think oranges are willing to become juice, or are they pressed into it? #lamejoke

When I told my wife that we were out of protein powder, she replied, "No whey!" #lamejoke

He who farts in church sits in his own pew. #lamejoke

Just to be clear, Joey uses acne medication. #lamejoke

The pregnant bedbug gave birth in the spring. #lamejoke

Four chickens escaped from a slaughter house by riding out on the back of a sheep. They're still on the lamb. #lamejoke

I was friends with a guy that cross bred insects. I liked him at first, but I soon got tired of his ant ticks. #lamejoke

His lot in life was to create the world's greatest mosquito repellent. He had a DEET with destiny. #lamejoke

I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail. #lamejoke

Nothing tops a plain pizza. #lamejoke

I took a chance on a used food processor, but no dice. #lamejoke

I hate to be a party pooper. But when you gotta go, you gotta go. #lamejoke

An architect friend of mine made millions by inventing the upside down house. It is a top cellar. #lamejoke

My wife likes to bake. When I asked her to teach me how to make yeast-free bread, she told me that there's no knead. #lamejoke

I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying. I can also tell when they're standing. #lamejoke

A semi trailer filled with ramen noodles jackknifed on the highway today destroying all the contents. Damage was estimated at nearly $14. #lamejoke

I recently read the top 10 facts about diarrhea. Number 2 surprised me. #lamejoke

I'm partial to fractions. #lamejoke

I just saw a group of people watching an artist sketch all of them in his book. The artist was good too. He really knew how to draw a crowd. #lamejoke

I’ve been trying to organize a Hide and Seek Tournament, but it’s not easy. Good players are hard to find. #lamejoke

I recently read that “icy” was the easiest word to spell. I didn’t understand at first, but now I see why. #lamejoke

I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games. She said, "Wii." #lamejoke

Is the pool safe for diving? It deep ends. #lamejoke

There’s a short, silent video online which gives everyone that watches it $10. It’s the gif that keeps on giving. #lamejoke

Went to Chinatown for lunch yesterday, but the lights were too bright. I asked them to dim some. #lamejoke

Arnold Schwarzenegger started a new career. He's an exterminator. #lamejoke

When two snails get into a fight, they slug it out. #lamejoke

Never trust harps. They're big lyres. #lamejoke

Being a waiter is hard. The hours are long, the pay is low. But at least it puts food on the table. #lamejoke

What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters, always has 6 letters, but never has 5 letters!?! #lamejoke

I got tired of playing the triangle in band. It was just one ting after another. #lamejoke

I got an email from Google Earth saying it can "read maps backwards" and I thought, “That’s just spam.” #lamejoke

What do you call a dehydrated French guy? Pierre. #lamejoke

The joke about "The Raven" was in Poe taste. #lamejoke

Joey's wife wants him to be more sensitive. So he got her abacus beads for her birthday. (It's the little things that count.) #lamejoke

The police finally caught the serial killer known for his really bad stammer. It’ll be a while before he completes his sentence. #lamejoke

Donating blood is A-positive thing. #lamejoke

Joey suffers from chronic constipation, but he won’t let that stop him. He's pushing on, undeterred. #lamejoke

I got stuck in the loft last night. It was problem attic. #lamejoke

A mime broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested. He still has the right to remain silent. #lamejoke

Storks don’t live with any remorse. Nor egrets. #lamejoke

Happy Independence Day! May the 4th be with you. #lamejoke

What does an oyster wear into battle? 

Clamouflage. #lamejoke

I left work for a chiropractor appointment, but then went straight back. #lamejoke

Joey used to be an everyday strength trainer. Now, he's just a weakened warrior. #lamejoke

A dung beetle walks into the bar. "Is this stool taken?" #lamejoke

Joey bought his kids a bunch of Sharpies to play with, and his wife is angry at him. It is weird though. She wakes up every day with a huge smile on her face. #lamejoke

Okay, maybe I shouldn't have referred to my dentist appointment as a cavity search. #lamejoke

The boss said that he's going to fire everyone with bad posture. I have a hunch it might be me. #lamejoke

My wife thought I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding. She got so mad and said she's never playing Scrabble with me again. #lamejoke

Lost my billfold while fishing. Last I saw of it, a band of rough fish were tossing it back and forth...a clear-cut case of carp-to-carp walleting. #lamejoke

Joey identifies as a crescent moon. His wife is worried, but I told her that he's just going through a phase. #lamejoke

I believe a lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone. #lamejoke

Drink essay tea to stay awake during college entrance exams. #lamejoke

Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater. #lamejoke

We put in a bid on a house because my wife fell in love with the lengthy corridor and we won't take 'no' for an answer. Obviously, we're in it for the long hall. #lamejoke

If you're looking for Spiderman, you can find him on the web. #lamejoke

I tried cleaning my glasses with ketchup today. In Heinz-sight, it was probably a bad idea. #lamejoke

I was offered a free trip to Egypt if I get five people under me to also sign up. Sounds like pyramid scheme to me. #lamejoke

My wife told me I was being immature, so I told her to get out of my fort. #lamejoke

Bicycle jokes won't impress you, but a unicycle one wheel. #lamejoke

Invest in cod liver processing technology! Don't miss out on the art-of-fish-oil intelligence boom. #lamejoke

A cat can't land upright if you drop it from 24 inches. It needs four feet. #lamejoke

A lumberjack went in to a magic forest to cut a tree. Upon arrival, he started to swing at the tree, when it shouted, “Wait! I’m a talking tree!" The lumberjack grinned, “And you will dialogue!" #lamejoke

This semicolon committed a crime. He was given two consecutive sentences. #lamejoke

One of the TV networks is planning an old-fashioned sitcom about Abraham Lincoln. It will be shot before a live audience. #lamejoke

I saw a banana car today. It peeled out right in front of me. #lamejoke

Insulating a house is hard.So just try asbestos you can. #lamejoke

If, at the end of a Scrabble game, you are stuck with the letters D and O, you'll just have to make do. #lamejoke

Can plain bagels fly? #lamejoke

My wife bought a bunch of herbs and spices for a potpourri. Costly, but worth every scent. #lamejoke

This attorney was offered a chance to play the role of William Shakespeare in a movie, but had to respectfully decline. He figured that if he did, he'd be dis bard. #lamejoke

I thought my days of misquoting popular idioms were over. But I’m like a phoenix, rising from molasses. #lamejoke

My instructor doesn’t think I’m cut out to be a mime. It must have been something I said. #lamejoke

The chemist was arrested for throwing sodium chloride at his wife. That's a salt. #lamejoke

I don’t quite know how to say this, but can you pass the Worcestershire sauce? #lamejoke

Grocery store workers must let the customer decide if they want paper or plastic because baggers can't be choosers. #lamejoke

During the Ming dynasty, there were two princes Hu and Yu ready to take over the throne. Hu was older, but a unlucky man. Hu died and made Yu king. #lamejoke

When I swapped our bed for a trampoline, my wife hit the roof. #lamejoke

This guy started carrying a knife since an attempted mugging a few years ago. Now his attempts are a lot more successful. #lamejoke

Putting a ceiling fan in the family room took a lot of screwing up. #lamejoke

Smartphone downloads will at last be available in North Korea, under the U.S. and South Korea’s policy of app easement. #lamejoke

If you want to borrow my rope, you'll have to sign a free trade a cord. #lamejoke

If you've never tried blindfolded archery, you don’t know what you’re missing. #lamejoke

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence. #lamejoke

When I was a kid, I tried to eat a yoyo, but it wouldn't stay down. It kept coming up on me. #lamejoke

Joey asked the flight attendant if he could switch seats as he was next to a screaming baby. Apparently you are not allowed to do that if the child is yours. #lamejoke

I just bought a bottle of liquid plumber to unclog my bathtub. Well, here goes $7.00 down the drain. #lamejoke

Time flies when you’re having fun. Measure spiders when you’re not. #lamejoke

My friend is really frustrated that he has to use a stair chair lift because of his age. It’s driving him up the wall. #lamejoke

Sometimes, when houses have personality disorders, they develop attic. #lamejoke

Beware of lumberjacks bearing dull tools. They usually have an axe to grind. #lamejoke

The homeless man got into politics because he wanted change. #lamejoke

The ending to the E. coli outbreak romaines to be seen…. #lamejoke

Are you tired after work? There's a nap for that. #lamejoke

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain. Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision. #lamejoke

Quit my job at the helium factory today. I'm not gonna be spoken to in that tone of voice. #lamejoke

Time is money? Don't buy that for a second. #lamejoke

Geology rocks, but geography is where it's at! #lamejoke

A group of astronomers got tired after watching the moon go around the Earth for 24 hours. They decided to call it a day. #lamejoke

Joey told me that being paid to sleep would be his dream job. #lamejoke

Life is about changing perspectives and priorities. I used to worry if one of my hairs were out of place. Now, I don't care if they both are. #lamejoke

Joey was told the injuries to his wrists might lead to amputation at the shoulders, but in the end there was no arm done. #lamejoke

In the Star Wars universe, they don't eat baby wookiees because they are a little chewy. #lamejoke

If I lost my sense of humor, it would be no laughing matter. #lamejoke

Joey lost his dog for hours and was worried he wouldn’t find her. He really should get Collar ID. #lamejoke

It’s really hard to say what Sally does for a living. She sells sea shells by the sea shore. #lamejoke

To spell panda, all you need is p and a. #lamejoke

Some folks think that there's an ocean on the moon. Lunacy. #lamejoke

Reviewing our solar system, I give it one star. #lamejoke

Got a new job as a church bell ringer. Only my first day, so they're just showing me the ropes. #lamejoke

A human statue finally made enough to quit his job. He was ecstatic. #lamejoke

I've been exercising my eyebrow muscles by raising them high. Try it for yourself. You'll be surprised. #lamejoke

Poop jokes aren’t my favorite jokes, but they are definitely number two. #lamejoke

A recent study found that most head lice have mutated. They're now resistant to over-the-counter treatments. This problem has scientists scratching their heads. #lamejoke

I dropped the Smuckers and jammed my toe. #lamejoke

My brother can do motorcycle stunts in the snow. It's wheelie cool. #lamejoke

Joey's son ate a lot of alphabet soup yesterday at school. He came home complaining of vowel movements. #lamejoke

I sold abacuses for a living during the sixties. I was part of the counter culture. #lamejoke

A man in Wisconsin got trampled by stampeding cows. Well, that's what I herd. #lamejoke

Joey told me that he and his wife paid $50,000 for a piece of land to build their new house on. I told him that sounded like a lot. #lamejoke

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator. #lamejoke

When I want to decorate a cake, I sing. #lamejoke

Just to let you know, my real name is Three. And before you say anything, I know…. it's odd. #lamejoke

Did you know that in the last stages of a Terminator's lifetime it becomes so weak that it is only capable of killing small animals? At that point it is fired and becomes an ex-Terminator. #lamejoke

I knew that my addiction to Thanksgiving leftovers had gotten out of hand, so I quit cold turkey. #lamejoke

If you're wondering why I post puns…. that's just how eye roll. #lamejoke

I saw an ad for low budget notice boards. Never a good sign. #lamejoke

That little paper mask they ask you to wear at the Medical Clinic is called a coughy filter. #lamejoke

A comedian told a joke so bad that the crowd threw bread crumbs at him. He took it with a grain assault. #lamejoke

A couple was arguing on the stairs when, all of the sudden, they started moving. Things escalated quickly. #lamejoke

My wife bought me a baby chick for Easter. I asked why a baby chick. She said that it was going cheap. #lamejoke

After my Ph.D thesis on hoarding, I was promoted to add-junk professor. #lamejoke

I tried to make a living rowing cows across a river. It was just income paddle bull with my lifestyle. #lamejoke

Irish line dancers have superior form. Hands down. #lamejoke

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?" 

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later. #lamejoke

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis Presley steak houses. It will be for people who love meat tender. #lamejoke

How do they price hammers? By the pound. #lamejoke

How do crabs get around on land? 

They use the sidewalk.

What did the lazy anesthesiologist say before surgery? 

Knock yourself out.

A factory worker got his arm caught in some machinery, severing it just below the wrist. Unable to work, and with no income, he knew he had to see a prosthetic specialist as soon as possible. 

Sitting in front of the doctor, he explained that no one was willing to hire him unless he had use of both arms. 

The problem was that, until he could get a job, he wouldn't be able to pay for a prosthetic. 

"I'm desperate, Doc. Could you lend me a hand?"

Why do babies come out after nine months? 

Because they get so big, they run out of womb.

What do cannon balls do when they’re in love? 

Make BBs.