The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office, "What is your name?" 

"John," the new guy replied. 

The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" 

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." 

The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."

A man goes to see his doctor. 

The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth."

To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist." 

"Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."

Why do pilgrims' pants keep falling down? 

 

Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called? 

 

Turkey feathers.

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because the chicken got Thanksgiving off.

How do little Pilgrims draw pictures?

With crayon-berries.

Which mineral ought to come in standard containers?

Quartz.

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do you know why his father didn't punish him?" 

Student: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's ok, he woke up.

What makes music on your head?

A head band.

Why do turkeys gobble?

Because they never learned table manners!

What did the mother Thanksgiving turkey say to her disobedient children? 

 

"If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!"

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. 

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." 

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." 

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. 

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." 

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." 

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" 

"Under the wagon."

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." 

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

Lucy came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before".

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them... I just never saw one mounted and framed."

Did you hear about the skunk that went to church?

He sat in his own pew.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner....

A woman burst out of the examining room screaming after her young physician tells her she is pregnant. 

The director of the clinic stopped her and asked what the problem was. 

After she tells him what happened, the doctors had her sit down and relax in another room and he marched down the hallway where the woman’s physician was and demanded, “What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” 

The young physician continued to write his notes and without looking up at his superior, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Henrietta.

Henrietta who?

Henrietta worm that was in his apple.

A teacher said to her student, "Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?"

After a few moments, Billy answered, "It depends."

"It depends on what?" she asked.

"It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."

The world’s worst conductor was directing up his band during a practice for an upcoming concert. Half way through the first act he was directing with wild abandon when, out of his hand, his baton flew and impaled itself in the eye of a flute player instantly killing her. 

The police arrive shortly after and ruled the case as an accident. 

The following week at practice, he again was caught up in the music of the second act and out of his hand flew the baton, which this time struck a flute player in the eye instantly killing her. 

The police arrived and after consideration ruled the case an accident. 

The following week at practice the conductor again got lost in the moment of the music of the third act and out of his hand flew the baton this time hitting a trumpet player in the eye and killing him instantly. 

After the police arrived they could not believe that this was an accident after the third death, and the conductor was arrested. 

The conductor was tried and sentenced to death in the electric chair. After strapping him in the chair operator threw the switch, nothing happened. 

Again he threw the switch and nothing happened. 

The warden was frustrated by this time and demanded that the chair operator explain what the problem was, to which the chair operator explained, "Well, everyone knows he's a bad conductor.

What does a bee sit on?

His behind.

What do you call a smart duck?

A wise quacker.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two. The hard part is getting them into the lightbulb.

A three year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. 

When they returned home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. 

"How did you know?" his mother asked. 

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Hearing about a dinosaur alive in the rain forests of South America, a professor launches a scientific expedition. After several weeks he stumbles upon a little man wearing a loincloth, standing near a 300-foot-long dead dinosaur. 

The scientist can't believe his eyes. "Did you kill this dinosaur?" he asks.

"Yep," replies the rain-forest native. 

"But it's so big and you're so small! How did you kill it?" 

"With my club," the primitive fellow answered. 

"How big is your club?" 

"Well, there are about 100 of us."

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" 

He said, "Call for backup."

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? 

They're married.

Tom decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."

Tom gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't," he replied.

A teacher was reading the story of The Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather building materials for his home. She read, "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me, sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "Well I'll be damned! A talking pig!"