Why did the baker rob the bank?

He needed the dough.

A guy says to the doctor, "I'm thinking about having a vasectomy."

The doctor says, "That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

The guy says, "Yeah. They're in favor of it, fourteen to three."

What's the opposite of a somersault?

A winter pepper.

What kind of spy hangs out in department stores?

A counter spy

How does a wizard keep his potions safe from burglary?

With a warlock.

Why does Moby Dick spell his name 'Mby'? 

Because he is a creature of the O shun.

Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him?

He wanted to see how long he slept.

What happens when a T-Rex bites you?

You get a dino-sore.

What did one mountain say to the other mountain after the earthquake?

It's not my fault.

Why did Humpty Dumpty have a great fall?

To make up for a bad summer.

A young man returned from a dance at a coastal resort. 

He was sporting a huge black eye. 

When asked if he had run into a door, he replied that the beauty of the place had struck him.

I was worried about my receding hairline so I made a deal with the devil. 

He promised that if I ever go bald, he'll make it grow back. 

So now I have adopted a devil make hair attitude, even though I know that.someday there'll be Hell toupee.

Why did the engineer put a clock under his desk?

He wanted to work overtime.

All but two of the dancers were in costume early for the matinee performance. 

At 1:55, the distressed director asked this pair of women why they were not yet in costume. 

The first one said, "It may seem like a silly superstition but I never put mine on until 1:58." 

"What about you, the same thing?" he asked the other dancer. 

She replied, "Oh yes, I have a two to two tutu, too!"

When should you charge a battery?

When you can't pay cash.

What's the difference between a lawyer and God? 

God doesn't think he's a lawyer.

"I'd like two pork chops," said the patron to her butcher, "and make them lean." 

"Yes ma'am," said the obliging butcher, standing them on end. "Which way?"

The history class was studying the Revolutionary battle of Saratoga which was probably lost because General William Howe chose to remain in Philadelphia. 

The teacher then asked the class to explain this major British defeat. 

"Lack of no Howe," answered a voice from the back of the classroom.

A famous poet of years gone by was suffering with a cold. He was particularly bothered by a runny nose. 

He went to the doctor, explained his problem to the nurse, and then waited while she went to talk to the doc. 

She told the doctor, "You have to do something about Poe’s nasal drip.”

Why can't you keep secrets in a bank?

Because of all the tellers.

When is a car not a car?

When it turns into a parking lot.

What's an educated hole in the wall?

A wisecrack.

What old play is about advertising by sheep farmers?

Much Ado About Mutton.

How many ears does Mr. Spock have? 

Three; a left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.

What is Transylvania's national sport?

Drac racing.

Why do scientists look for things twice?

Because they re-search everything.

What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire? 

A fur coat that fangs around your neck.

What do you call a guy in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

How many 'real men' does it take to change a light bulb?

None. 'Real men' aren't afraid of the dark.

First Woman: Whenever I'm down in the dumps I buy myself a new hat.

Second Woman: Oh, so that's where you get them.

A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."

The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" 

"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."