The accountants suggested to Nero that he close down the Colosseum. 

"We're not making a drachma," they told him. 

"The lions are eating-up all the prophets."

How many of each animal did Moses take on the ark?
 
Moses didn’t take any animals on the ark. Noah did.

My fear of roses is a thorny issue. 

I'm not sure what it stems from, but it seems likely I'll be stuck with it.

What do you call the fear of being trapped in a chimney?

Claustrophobia.

What do you a call a bankrupt Santa?

Saint Nickel-less.

What kind of motorcycle does Santa drive?

A Holly Davidson.

What happened to the man who stole the Advent calendar?

He got 25 days.

What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?
 
A minnie van!

The teacher said, "Whoever answers my next question can go home."

A kid in the back throws a book out the window.

The teacher said, "Who just threw that?"

A boy replied, "Me and I’m going home now."

Why did the chicken go to the gym?
 
To work on his pecks!

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? 

Because he is a Supperhero.

Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E? 
 

Because he had a vowel movement.

Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch?

Chick-fil-eyyyyyy.

I've just been diagnosed as colorblind.

I know, it certainly has come out of the purple.

Why did the mother forbid her child to read Ivanhoe?
 
She heard it was full of Saxon violence.

Who was the straightest man in the Bible? 
 
Joseph. Pharaoh made a ruler out of him.

Are birth control pills deductible? 

Only if they don't work.

What's the name of the beloved Christmas carol about summer sun screen?

O Tanning Balm.

Why is the Pittsburgh police force so large?
 
Because many people make iron and steal.

Then there was the one about the guy who went downriver on a dozen pieces of wood lashed together. 

The wood capsized when he hit some whitewater rapids, but he was rescued and lived happily ever rafter.

A chicken walks into a bar. The bartender says,"I'm sorry we don't serve poultry." 

The chicken replies, "That's ok, I only want a drink."

A little boy was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read the newspaper in the kitchen. The family dog, lying at the father's feet, heard the screeching violin and started to howl terribly. Soon the house was full of horrible violin music and even worse howling.

The father stayed silent for as long as he could stand it. Finally he threw his newspaper down on the floor, jumped to his feet, and yelled, "For heavens sake, couldn't you play something the dog doesn't know?!"

A penguin waddles into a bar and asks the bartender, "Have you seen my brother?"

The bartender says, "I don't know. What does he look like?"

Which king invented the fireplace?

Alfred the Grate.

When is a Chinese restaurant considered successful?

When it makes a fortune, cookie.

What has a bottom at its top?

A leg.

There were these two soldiers in a tank.

One said to the other, "Blub, blub."

Who is the beloved children's storybook author of ancient Greek times?

 

Dr Zeus.

Why are there only 239 beans in Irish bean soup? 
 
Because one more bean would make it too-farty.

What do you get when you cross a plumber with a psychiatrist?

I don't know, but it sounds like emotionally draining work.

What's soft and cuddly and says, "Oink, oink"?

A teddy boar.

Why doesn't anybody talk to pi?

 He's irrational and he goes on forever!

What would you do if a store sold you rancid animal fat?
 
Sue it.

How can you tell a male turkey from a female turkey?
 
The male is the one holding the remote control.

Why did Little Miss Muffet push Humpty Dumpty off the wall? 

He got in her whey!

"Dad, what's for dinner?" 

"Wookiee steaks." 

"Are they good?" 

"Well, they are a little Chewy."

What does a frog use to do home repairs?

A toad's tool

My wife misses me....

But, her aim is getting better.

Back in my hiking days, I noticed a black bird roosting in a nearby tree.

"I've always wondered what's the difference between a raven and a crow," I said.

"You have to count the pinion feathers on the wings," my companion explained. "If there are four, it's a crow. If there are five, it's a raven."

"Really?" I said, although I knew he didn't have a clue about which he spoke.

"Oh, yes," he replied. "It's just a matter of a pinion."

What's the difference between a gymnast and a Public Works employee working in icy conditions?
 
One does somersaults. The other winter salts.

What would Dorothy say if she played baseball in Oz? 

"There's no plate like home!"

What has forty feet and sings?
 
The school choir!

What do elves learn in school? 

The elf-abet.

What did Winnie the Pooh say to his agent? 

Show me the honey!

What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the courtroom?

 “Odor in the court!”

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

What kind of music did the Pilgrims like?
 
Plymouth Rock.

Why did the chicken go to the 
séance?
 
To get to the other side.

What does a caterpillar do on New Year's Day?
 
He turns over a new leaf.

Many years ago, a guy named Joe worked in the coal mines. He would go to work early in the morning, go down the mine to the coal face and do his eight hour stint, then come back to the surface to get ready to come home. He followed this daily routine faithfully for years on end, down the mine in the morning and up at the end of his shift. Down then up, down then up. 

One day whilst he was at the coal face he swung his pick ax and the point went deep into a rock. He eventually managed to remove the pick ax from the rock, and as he did so he was engulfed in a deluge of water. He was absolutely drenched by the water, and his work mates remarked that he looked about 10 years younger since the water had covered him. They all tried to get soaked, and those that managed did indeed look 10 years younger. 

He, and those of his friends who had managed to get covered by the water, were thankful but they couldn't stop wondering why they had only been made to look 10 years younger. Why hadn't they been made to look 20 or 25 years younger than they really were? 

They finally figured that it was only a miner miracle.

My friend Mills was complaining that his burro, named Hotey, was so frail that a gentle breeze would make him lean over. 

I said, "I've already heard about a donkey Hotey tilting at wind, Mills."

A young lad is caught stealing soap from the local soap factory. When the case comes to court the judge decides to make an example of him to discourage other youths from a life of crime. 

Judge: "Well, what have you to say in your defense?"

Boy: "I'm sorry your honor."

Judge: "I sentence you to 10 years hard labor, starting immediately."

Boy: "But sir, it was only a few bars of cheap soap."

Judge: "Consider yourself lucky, it could have been life boy!"

An aquatic, seaweed-eating mammal named Hugh began swimming very close to a man's waterfront property. 

The man tried to get rid of the creature by clubbing it, but he was arrested. 

In court, the man's lawyer argued that assault against a marine mammal is not an offense. 

The judge disagreed, however, stating, "This is a crime against Hugh manatee."

What's worse than raining cats and dogs? 
 
Hailing taxis!

"Grandpa, how come part of your mustache is red?" 

"That's because I just had a bowl of tomato soup. It's not easy eating soup with a mustache, you know. In fact it's quite a strain."

A somewhat overweight woman walked out of a hypnotist's office with the man lying on the floor holding his head and with a black eye. 

The woman was heard muttering,   "The nerve! Telling me my eyelids are getting heavy."

Although it's the all-time "blessed seller,” procuring a decent copy of "The Good Book" can be fairly expensive. 

That means it is not wholly buyable.

Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with?
 
The girl necks door!

John and Jennifer left the fertility clinic with Jennifer in tears. They were just told that she could not become pregnant. They would never have the family they both desired so fervently. 

They were on their way home when suddenly a masked man appeared before them. "I think I can help you," he said, handing them a card. 

"Why are you masked?" John asked. 

"Because the government has declared our activities illegal," the masked man answered. "Go to the address on this card," he instructed the couple. "The doctor will take a scraping from one of your mouths and culture it. In less than a year, we will have a baby for you." 

"This is the answer to our prayers!" Jennifer excitedly exclaimed. She then turned to thank the stranger, but he was gone. 

"Who was that masked man?" she asked her husband. 

John answered, "That was the Clone Arranger."

Why is a proctologist like a magician? 

They are both masters of deceit.

What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest?
 
Look at the orange mama laid.

How do you share 355 cherries among 113 people?
 
Make cherry pi. (355/113 = 3.14)

If a millionaire sits on his gold, who sits on silver?

The Lone Ranger

What is an Australian bear's favorite drink? 

Coca-Koala.

Everyone knows how the Green Giant dresses when he works in the field. 

But when he goes to a corporate board meeting, he usually wears a three pea suit.

I was in the elevator one day with another fellow who was carrying a power strip. 

"How are you today?" I asked. 

He was upset, it turned out, over small troubles concerning his teenager. 

"Well," I told him, "at least you have an outlet."

A family of skunks was trapped in a thicket, surrounded by a pack of hungry wolves that were edging even closer. 

The Mother skunk calmly instructed her young "Quickly children, let's put our heads together!" 

After they obeyed, forming a circle, she continued, "Now, let us spray!"

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be flying in there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own airfares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

This weekend, while shopping in a local toy store, I came across a long line of people waiting for a promised shipment of dolls from Mattel. As I scanned the line, I noticed a friend waiting with all the others. I knew my friend had no daughters or young relatives, so I figured he must like the dolls himself.

“Danny,” I said going up to him, “I didn’t know you were a collector!”

“I’m not,” he replied.

“Oh,” I said, “You’re buying a gift, then.”

“No, not at all,” my friend responded.

“If you don’t mind my asking then, Danny,” I said, “Why are you standing in this line?”

“Oh that,” he answered. “It’s like this,” my friend stated, “I’ve never been able to resist a barbie queue!”

Joey's wife was in labor with their first child when suddenly she began to shout, "Didn't, wouldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?" asked Joey.

"Nothing. She's just having contractions."

In a small country pub, all the patrons became quite used to the pub owner's little dog being around the bar, so they were quite upset when one day the little dog died. 

Everyone met to decide how they could remember the little dog. The decision was to cut off his tail and stick it up behind the bar to remind everyone of the little dog's wagging tail.

The little dog went up to heaven and was about to run through the Pearly Gates when he was stopped by Saint Peter, who questioned the little dog as to where he was going. 

The little dog said "I have been a good dog - so I am going into heaven where I belong!" 

Saint Peter replied "You can not come into heaven without a tail, where is your tail?" 

The little dog explained the what had happened back on earth. Saint Peter told the little dog to go back down to earth and retrieve his tail. The little dog protested that it was now the middle of the night back at the pub, but Saint Peter would not change his mind. 

So the little dog went back down to earth and scratched on the door of the pub until the bartender who lived upstairs came down and opened the door. 

"My goodness, it is the spirit of the little dog. What can I do for you?" said the bartender. The little dog explained that he wasn't allowed into heaven without his tail, and he needed it back. 

The bartender replied "I would really like to help you, but my liquor license doesn't allow me to retail spirits after hours!"

Where does a ghost go on vacation? 

Mali-boo.

Why was the mummy so tense? 

He was all wound up.

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?
 
Cuz everyone was a goblin.

What is the difference between a sad ghost and a cow with a sore throat? 

One boos sadly, the other moos badly!

“Grandpa, do you mind if I play my new harmonica in here?” asked little Phil.

“Of course not, Phil. I love music. In fact, when your grandma and I were young, music saved my life."

“What happened?” ask Phil. 

"Well, it was during the famous Johnstown flood. The dam broke and when the water hit our house it knocked it right off the foundation. Grandma got on the dining room table and floated out safely.”

“How about you?” 

“Me? I accompanied her on the piano!”

A month after Donald MacDonald started at Harvard, his mother called from Scotland. "And how are the American students, Donald?" she asked. 

"They’re so noisy," he complained. "One neighbor endlessly bangs his head against the wall, while another screams all night." 

"How do you put up with it?" 

"I just ignore them and play my bagpipes."

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he’d make a deal with his son. “You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible, and get your hair cut. Then we’ll talk about the car.”

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he’d settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, “Son, you’ve brought your grades up, and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I’m disappointed you haven’t had your hair cut.”

The boy said, “You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I’ve noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair – and there’s even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

Dad thought about that for a moment and then replied, “Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?”

During a science lesson, the second grade teacher picked up a magnet and said to her class, "My name begins with the letter M, and I pick up things. What am I?"

A little boy answered, "You're a mommy."

In what legal venue would a rabbit seek to settle a dispute over where it is allowed to eat or defecate?

A Pellet Court.

A young woman, who was forever going on diets to no avail, was sure that her latest plan would result in a quick loss of many pounds, but her mother was far less confident, pending the actual outcome. 

Her mother’s attitude?

Wait. Watch Her.

What direction does a sneeze travel? 

Atchoo!

When fish in China have difficulty spawning, the fertility clinic makes them watch and listen to an educational videotape.

This is known as Audio Fishual in Salmon Asian.

What did the Boy Scout say when he fixed the horn on his bicycle?

Beep repaired.

Why did Frankie Avalon refuse to walk a tightrope in his last beach movie?

He was afraid to work without Annette.

Bert: Do you want any ice cream, Ernie?

Ernie: Sherbert.

The brash, amateur magician said he could easily do the 'Catch the Bullet Between His Teeth' trick.

That's the first and last time he'll shoot his mouth off.

How do bees get to school?
 
They take the school buzz.

Two mosquitoes sat on Robinson Crusoe's back.

One said to the other, "I have to go now. But let's meet again on Friday!"

What is it called when Batman leaves church early?

Christian Bale.

Anteater walks into a bar. Bartender says "What can I get ya, fella? You look like a whiskey guy." 

Anteater says, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOooo."

Bartender says, "Hmmm. Well how about tequila?" 

Anteater says, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOooo."

Bartender says, "Well, then can I get you a beer?" 

Anteater says, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOooo."

Bartender says, "Why the long nose?"

What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?

Dead ant, dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant...

What do you call a man who graduates last in medical school?

Doctor.

How can you get four suits for a dollar?  

Buy a deck of cards.

A man burned his finger so he decided to go to the doctor. When he arrived at the office, the nurse directed him to remove all his clothes, and wait in the next room. 

“It’s just my finger,” complained the man. “Why do I need to take off my clothes?” 

“Everyone who sees the doctor has to undress,” explained the nurse. “It’s our policy.” 

“Well, I think it’s a stupid policy!” 

From the next room, another man’s voice piped in, “That’s nothing! I just came to fix the furnace.”

How do cats end a fight? 

They hiss and make up.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”

Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”

Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Harry: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Harry: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “Y’know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”

But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, “Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.”

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants.”

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”

Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?”

Harry: "Firetruck.”

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little shit in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”

What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?

One is really heavy. The other is a little lighter.

Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. 

 

He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing. 

"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something." 

Mr. Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?" 

The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."

Which king felt that he was a fraction of his former self?

Henry the Eighth.

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone. 

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply. 

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?" 

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. 

"When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired. 

Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"

A lawyer, who was quite wealthy, had a summer cabin to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him, and the friend, eager to get something free from a lawyer, agreed.  

Early one morning the lawyer and his Czech companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. 

The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast as he could, and got the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there. 

"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. 

The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim and SHOT THE FEMALE. 

"Why did you do that?" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!" 

"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"

A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so bad." 

The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up. 

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the way my wife would do it?" the husband asked. 

"Exactly," replied the instructor. 

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, would you pick up that pen for me?"

A father and son went fishing one day. After a couple hours out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?"

The father thought for a moment, then replied, "I don't rightly know, son."

The boy returned to his contemplation, then turned back to his father, "How do fish breath underwater?"

Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know, son."

A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know, son."

Worried he was going to annoy his father, he says, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

"Of course not, son. If you don't ask questions ... you'll never learn anything!"

What is a cat's favorite book? 

The Prince and the Paw-purr.

What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? 

 

A candy baa.

What has antlers and sucks blood? 

 

A moose-quito!

What do you call a big fish who makes you an offer you can’t refuse?

The Codfather.

What do you call a boy named Lee that no one talks to?

Lonely.

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live."

The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?"

The doctor replied, "Marry an accountant."

"Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient.

"No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

Why should the number 288 never be mentioned? 

It’s two gross.

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He will stop at nothing to avoid them.

Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.

What do pandas have that no other animal has?
 
Baby pandas!

Joey swallowed all the tiles from his Scrabble set. 

Doctors said the problem will work itself out, just not in so many words.

Carlos was making one of his frequent visits to the Convent San Tanco in his town of San Juan. He was raised by the sisters there when left an orphan and he still enjoyed the company of the sisters, and it renewed his faith a bit to watch them in their devotions. Today he was giving Captain Gaspar Fomento, the local constable, a ride to the convent when he mentioned he needed to talk to the Mother Superior.

Carlos parked outside the convent and struck up a conversation with Sister Ana who was working in the garden while Captain Fomento went into the convent. While chatting with the novice he glanced up and saw a startling sight.

"What in the world is that, sister?" he asked, pointing skyward. Sister Ana looked up and saw what looked like a large white gull flying in the sky.

"Oh, it is only a bird," she replied.

"No, no! It is a person! Look closer!" Carlos demanded emphatically. Sister Ana looked again and gasped. It's Sister Bertrille! The tiny nun has once again had her cornette caught by the strong winds of San Tanco and has taken to the air, soaring on the updrafts. Sister Ana thought a moment and decided to tell Carlos the truth.

"Carlos, it is Sister Bertrille. She is something of a flying nun, you may say. She is so light that when the winds are strong enough she is lifted into the air for a time."

"But she is so high up! Won't she fall to her death?!" he exclaimed.

"I do not think so. She has gotten quite good at flying in her time here. Plus, God watches out for ones like her."

"Ah, that explains how she managed to get to the balcony at my casino that day when no one saw her come in!" he smiled. It was amazing, watching her swoop and soar through the air, one hand on her head holding her "wings" in place.

Carlos continued to marvel at the flying figure far above him. Soon Captain Fomento left the convent and returned to the car. Carlos was still craning his neck at the now tiny speck high in the sky, and so the captain looked up, too.

"What are you looking at, Ramirez?" he asked, squinting against the bright sun.

Carlos liked the small sister and was afraid of what the overly officious Fomento might do if he found out she was zooming through the air around the town. Fomento would probably jail her for flying without a license.

"Oh, nothing much," Carlos replied. "It's just a nun-identified flying object."

A tom cat and a tabby were courting on a back fence one night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred, “I’d give my life for you!”

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, “How many times?”

A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read “Unique Breakfast” so he walked in and sat down. The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. 

“What’s your ‘Unique Breakfast?’” he asked.

“Baked tongue of chicken,” she replied.

“Baked tongue of chicken?… Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken’s mouth!” he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, “What would you like then?”

“Just bring me scrambled eggs,” the man replied.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. 

Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”.

Marvin was in his usual place in the morning sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress that was about to marry a football player who was known primarily for his lack of IQ and common sense.

He turned to his wife with a look of question on his face. “I’ll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives.”

His wife replies, “Why thank you, dear!”.

Did you hear about the TV weatherman who, despite his training and sparkling credentials, ran into a terrible unlucky streak?

He became something of a local joke. The town’s newspaper began keeping a record of his predictions. A year later, the paper reported that he’d been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.

Unable to handle the pressure, the station manager fired him.

So the meteorologist moved far away and applied for another job as a TV weathermen. When he got to the question on the application about why he had left his last job, he wrote, “The climate didn’t agree with me.”

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game.

The young couple found their seats in the crowded stadium and was watching the action when a substitute was sent into the game. As the promising young player ran onto the field to take his position, the boy pointed at him and said to his girlfriend, “Keep an eye on that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year.”

His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, “That’s the strangest proposal I ever heard, but I accept!”.

Why did the proton blush? 

It was positively attracted to the electron.

One afternoon a young bank teller met her aunt downtown for lunch.

During the meal, the older woman asked her niece to deposit her paycheck at the bank where the girl worked. She told her aunt she would be happy to, however on her way back to work, the girl’s purse was snatched.

“Help, help,” she screamed at a passing cop. “That man has taken my aunt’s pay - he’s taken my aunt’s pay!”

“OK, lady,” said the cop. “Cut out the pig latin and tell me exactly what happened.”

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man, you’ll never hit her from here!”

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book? 

They all have phones.

A man walks into a bar....

And with that, he loses the International Limbo Competition.

What do you call a vampire who makes pancakes?

Count Spatula!

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?

A teacher says, "Spit out your gum" and a train says, "CHOO-CHOO!"

During its heyday, the Wells Fargo Company employed a number of specialized stagecoaches such as one with a church for Sunday operation. One of the more popular models featured a darkroom on board, so passengers who took pictures could have them processed en route and the prints delivered at their destination. 

One day a stagecoach equipped with a darkroom was headed for Wichita when, passing through a small town, it was intercepted by the local marshall, who said, "Halt in the name of the law!" 

"What's the problem?" the stagecoach driver asked. 

"You should know that the operation of a mobile darkroom is illegal in Kansas," the marshall said.

At this point two psychologists on horseback arrived on the scene. One of them said, "I suppose what we have here is a classic case of the Oedipus complex." 

The other said, "No, it's much simpler than that -- it's just an arrested stage of development."

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.

Well, pull yourself together!

What's stucco?

It's what happens when you step in bubblegummo.

What do you call a dead magician's assistant?
 
An abracadaver.

How deep is a frog pond? 

Kneedeep, kneedeep.

I am sad to report that the man who invented the Hokey-Pokey has died. 

It was a serious and solemn affair, until it came time to place him in the coffin. 

They put his right leg in... it all went downhill from there.

Why did the optician go ice fishing? 

He had perfect ice sight.

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself? 

It’s surprising he didn’t see that one coming....

What did the generous mole say when his friends crashed his party?
 
The mole the merrier!

Why didn't the pencil do well in class?

He wasn't very sharp.

What do you call a broken can opener?

A can't opener.

Why did the rope cross the road?

Why knot?

When did the duck wake up? 

At the quack of dawn.

What did the corn cob call his father?  

Pop.

What did the beaver say to the tree?

"It's been nice gnawing you."

What song do romantic fish sing to each other? 

♫.... Salmon-chanted evening.... ♫

Why did the musician want his kids to learn to read?

So they would be sharp.

Why did the marsupial get the job?

He had all the correct koalafications.

What happens if you swallow a bunch of food coloring?

You dye a little on the inside.

What do you call a big sarcastic hole?

 A sarchasm.

What do you get if you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster? 

A cockerpoodledoo!

A man goes into a barber’s shop and notices that a little dog is watching the barber intently. 

"That dog seems very interested in what you’re up to," says the man. 

"He’s hoping for a treat," replies the barber sharpening his razor. "If I sneeze he sometimes gets a bit of ear."

What do you call it when it rains chickens and ducks?

Fowl weather.

Where does seaweed look for a job? 

In the ‘Kelp-Wanted’ ads.

Who stole the soap?
 

The robber ducky!

What did the fish do when his piano sounded odd?

He called the piano tuna.

I was debating with myself whether or not I should write a paper about experimenting to see which had more mass, a truckload of books or 12 prison inmates. 

After weighing the prose and cons, I decided to go ahead with it.

What does a Romulan frog use for camouflage?

A croaking device.

Noah started building several arks for various parts of animal kingdom.

One was a split level job for all the fish – a multi-story carp ark.

What kind of money do fishermen make?

Net profits.

Many years ago, a baker's assistant called Richard the Pourer, whose job it was to pour the dough mixture in the making of sausage rolls, noted that he was running low on one of the necessary spices. He sent his apprentice to the store to buy more.

Unfortunately, upon arriving at the shop, the young man realized that he had forgotten the name of the ingredient. All he could do was to tell the shopkeeper that it was for Richard the Pourer, for batter for wurst.

The boss called Joey into the office.

"We both know you're not the brightest spark here, Joey," he said, "but over the last five years you've never been sick or late and I think you deserve a reward. So, how does a brand new car sound?"

"Vrooom, vroooom," Joey replied.

My boss called me into his office today. “We both know you’re not the brightest spark here, Simon,” he said, “but over the last 5 years you’ve never been sick or late and I think you deserve a reward. So, how does a brand new car sound?” “Vrooom! Vrooooom!” I replied.

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A door to door salesman was making his rounds. He stops at a house and knocks on the door. 

A little boy of about eight opens the door, cigarette in one hand, bottle of beer in the other. 

"Little boy, is your mummy home?" says the salesman.

The boy replies "What the hell do YOU think?"

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. 

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." 

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. 

Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" 

"To tell the the truth," he replied, "he seemed a little depressed to me."

What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? 

An eskimew.

What did one DNA say to the other DNA? 

“Do these genes make me look fat?”