Table

I slept on a pool table once. I liked how it felt. #lamejoke

Reverse

Why am I suddenly only able to walk in reverse? I am at a complete loss forwards. #lamejoke

Glacier

You don't believe that the exploding glacier didn't hurt anyone? It didn't. Ice hit you not. #lamejoke

Satellites

The first satellite asks the second satellite, “What do you do?” “I transmit signals for NASA. What do you do?” “I transmit radio signals to cars.” “Are you serious?” #lamejoke 

Two

If I had to choose between petrified wood and coprolite,I would choose petrified wood, but coprolite is a solid number two. #lamejoke

Carrier

I wasn't sure if I wanted to be a postal carrier or not, but when they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought, “This isn’t for me.” #lamejoke

Alligators

Did you know that alligators can live to be 100 years old? That increases the chances that they will actually “see you later”. #lamejoke

Bigamy

Bigamy is a crime. You see, you can't have your Kate and Edith, too. #lamejoke

Sofa

The furniture salesman told me that a sofa I was looking at would seat five people without any problems. Where am I gonna find five people without any problems?!?! #laamejoke

Remote

I'm very disappointed to find out that the universal remote control I bought does not control the universe. Not even remotely. #lamejoke 

Manufacturing

I've been fired from my job for putting in too many shifts. Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you might think. #lamejoke

Thanksgiving

There's a new movie coming out soon. It's the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving. (Baste on a true story) #lamejoke 

Omelet

I hear that the omelet museum is not all it's cracked up to be. #lamejoke

Laundry

Last night, my wife and I argued about whose turn it was to do the laundry. It went on for hours, but eventually I folded. I guess I threw in the towel. #lamejoke 

Boat

"Get into the back of the boat," Tim said sternly. #lamejoke

Dictionary

Swapped a ewer for a dictionary. As you know, a pitcher is worth a thousand words. #lamejoke

Noodles

 Cannibals never cook spaghetti noodles because they prefer raw men. #lamejoke

Cabinet

The CEO of IKEA was elected prime minister of Sweden yesterday . Today, he started to assemble his cabinet. #lamejoke

Elevator

Joey met a rich girl who was trapped in an elevator on the 100th floor. She was kinda stuck up. #lamejoke

Deer

Full grown deer might not taste the best covered in melted cheese, but their fawn do. #lamejoke

Bach

The reason I stopped humming Bach everyday? People were telling me I sounded like a baroquen record. #lamejoke

Donkey

The donkey opened the godfather's door. #lamejoke

Shock

“That’s the third electric shock I’ve gotten this week!” Tim said, revolted. #lamejoke

Thinner

I went to the paint store to get thinner. It didn't work. #lamejoke

Ditch

“I guess I’ll have to dig another ditch around that castle,” Tim said, remotely. #lamejoke 

Sandwich

I'm told that it's great being married to a genie until you ask her to make you a sandwich. #lamejoke 

Triangle

"A triangle has three, a square has four, a pentagon has five," Tim sighed. #lamejoke

Back

Did you see my chiropractic joke recently? I posted it about a week back. #lamejoke 

Lamejokes

 Sometimes my lamejokes make people sick. Must be a gag reflex…. #lamejoke

Opposites

I once saw a blackhead and a whitehead holding hands. I guess oppozits do attract. #lamejoke

Virtues

I could go on and on about the virtues of underwear, but I'll be brief. #lamejoke

Grapes

I'm telling everyone about the benefits of dried grapes. It's all about raisin awareness. #lamejoke 

Tire

"I haven't put air in my fifth tire," said Tim, with dispair. #lamejoke 

Gravity

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe, but if you remove it, you get gravy. #lamejoke 

Letter

Someone asked me what the ninth letter of the alphabet was. I didn’t know for sure without counting them, so I guessed. And I was right. #lamejoke

Exit

"The exit is right there," Tim pointed out. #lamejoke 

Game Developer

The game developer was hopelessly saddened when he found out the games he made couldn't be ported from PC to Playstation and Xbox. He was inconsolable.  #lamejoke

Hair

"I'm losing my hair," Tim bawled. #lamejoke

Documentary

I was watching a documentary about how polar bears’ hands and feet have adapted to the snow when, all of a sudden, my TV froze. It’s okay though, it was just on paws. #lamejoke

Carpet

"I've only enough carpet for the hall and landing," said Tim with a blank stare. #lamejoke

Canaries

Joey's been trying to sell dead canaries online, and all I can tell you is that they're not going cheap. #lamejoke

Skirt

The inventor of the ballet skirt was really struggling to come up with a name until he put two and two together. #lamejoke

Hair removal

This guy, who never shaved, used hair removal products all over his body. He was an infamous Nair do well. #lamejoke

Guy

The bald guy went outside to get some fresh air. #lamejoke

Lift

In the UK, it's called a "lift." Here, in the USA, it's called an "elevator." Why? I guess we were just raised differently. #lamejoke

Diety

“I can see that the Greek woodland deity is no more,” Tim said with a deadpan expression. #lamejoke

Job

Joey quit his job at the gym because he wasn't big enough or strong enough. Handed in his too weak notice. #lamejoke

Sun

When the sun goes down, I'm gonna call it a night. #lamejoke

Triangle

The triangle didn't say much on stage during the play last night. He only had three lines. #lamejoke

Air

Air for your tires at the gas station used to be free, now it costs a dollar. Why? Prolly inflation. #lamejoke

Snowman

The snowman was embarrassed when people saw him buying a bag of carrots. He was picking his nose. #lamejoke

Fuel

A large oil company has announced it is going to start producing fuel from insect urine. I think it's BP. #lamejoke

Horns

“Felines should not have horns,” said Tim categorically. #lamejoke

Dryer

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along. #lamejoke

Concert

I heard that ABBA and Elvis Costello are thinking of touring together. It’s the ABBA and Costello concert. I wonder who's on first…. #lamejoke

Meetings

Seems that frogs make all their group decisions in kermitty meetings. #lamejoke

Star Wars

Joey's wife threatened to leave him if he didn't stop making Star Wars puns. I guess divorce is strong with this one…. #lamejoke 

Bird

I like to make bird puns, but they're always a bit of ostrich. #lamejoke

Origami

Joey claims to have learned how to do origami backwards. More on this story as it unfolds. #lamejoke

Lights

Last night, all the lights in the house went out abruptly. When my wife asked me to check it, I refused. #lamejoke

Enlightenment

After the group of monks reached enlightenment, they celibated. #lamejoke

Quasimodo

Does the name Quasimodo ring a bell? #lamejoke

Bows

Bows are fantastic weapons. Their only drawback is the string. #lamejoke

Sister

Everybody knows about Darth Vader, but nobody knows about the rise and fall off his twin sister, Ellie Vader. #lamejoke

Rainbows

A meteorologist weighed some rainbows and found out that they're pretty light. #lamejoke

Fishhook

Ok, I'll bite. What's a fish hook? #lamejoke

Companion

Would anyone be interested in being my companion? Asking for a friend. #lamejoke 

Mirror

If you've been wondering why the mirror crossed the road, it's because it needed a place to reflect. #lamejoke

Inventors

The person who invented the merry-go-round never met the person who invented the Ferris wheel on a flight. They were always on different planes. #lamejoke 

Interview

Tomorrow is Joey's thirtieth job interview at yet another local restaurant. He can't wait. #lamejoke

Pepper

The small pepper needs a coat because he's a little chili. #lamejoke

Lindbergh

Charles Lindbergh almost crashed into the Atlantic because he flew so low. #lamejoke

Rats

According to the dictionary, rats are underrated. #lamejoke

Argument

Had this long, pointless argument with Joey as to which vowel is the most important. I won. #lamejoke

Ice

Last winter, I used an old discount card I found in my wallet to remove ice off the windshield. I only got 20% off. #lamejoke

Planning

Sure, planning is important in the hitman business. But they tell me that the real fun is in the execution. #lamejoke

Vacations

We went on one of those "once in a lifetime" vacations recently. Never doing that again. #lamejoke

Ropes

Ropes don't win races. All they do is tie. Is that funny or knot? #lamejoke

Competition

For winning a muscle loss competition, you'll prolly get atrophy. #lamejoke

Winter

Joey was going to write a long story about winter but it started getting too cold. So he just wrote a summary. #lamejoke

Son

At least twice a week, someone will confuse me with Stephen King’s son. I'm not joking! #lamejoke

Snake

Joey's wife tried to buy an exotic snake online. When the package arrived, it only contained feather scarves. Looks like the boa cons tricked her. #lamejoke

Kangaroo

I thought I saw a kangaroo in the forest the other day, but maybe it was just an hoptical illusion. #lamejoke

Non Sequitur

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly. #lamejoke

Yes

 Why do I always say yes? I don’t know. #lamejoke

Great Expectations

I just finished reading "Great Expectations" by Charles Dickens. It wasn't as good as I'd hoped. #lamejoke

Number

A friend from college was obsessed with trying to find the largest known prime number. I wonder what he's up to these days…. #lamejoke

Owl

Another name for an owl beak? Who knows? #lamejoke

Documentary

Some terrorists wanted to film a documentary about plane hijackings. They are currently shooting the pilot. #lamejoke

Duck

A duck walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Waddle it be?" #lamejoke 

Queen

I once went to an open-air Queen concert. As it turned out, the performance was stopped half way through due to thunderbolts and lightning. Very, very frightening…. #lamejoke

 

Surgery

Anyone contemplating back surgery should read the disc lamer. #lamejoke

Bumbershoot

The guy who invented the umbrella wanted to call it the “Brella”. But he hesitated…. #lamejoke

Bus Stop

Joey told me that he saw a werewolf behind the bus stop last night, either that, or a really hairy homeless guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked. #lamejoke

Free Ride

Help!

I need your help folks!!

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter flight for four people? I'm still looking for two more people to join us. We leave early Saturday (June 19th) from the airport and fly to Destin, FL, where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then, we’ll do a flight along the coast to see the sharks and dolphins, then return to Joe's Crab shack, for dinner, then fly back home.

If interested please pm me.

Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go. Serious inquiries only!! Thank you!!!

Lamp

I bought a lamp that said that, if I rubbed it, a genie would come out and grant me three wishes. But when I did it, nothing happened. Must have rubbed it the wrong way. #lamejoke

Cricket

I've heard that cricket matches can last for days. I guess there's no rest for the wicket. #lamejoke

Lobster

I walked by a lobster shack. The sign said: $2.00 Lobster Tails. I pay the guy the two dollars. He begins,"Once upon a time, there was this lobster....." #lamejoke

Limbo

Just so you know, when it comes to limbo, I set the bar pretty high. #lamejoke 

Teacher

My favorite teacher back in school was Mrs Turtle. Funny name, but she tortoise well. #lamejoke

Cheese

I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese". But, now that I've said that, it's just a curd to me. #lamejoke

Last Wish

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline. #lamejoke

Water

Jerry can lift a gallon of water. #lamejoke 

Apostrophe

Joey dated an apostrophe once. Way too possessive. #lamejoke

Fighter

The ancient Roman fighter showed no remorse as a cannibal. In fact, he was gladiator. #lamejoke

Solar

Generating all of our power from solar energy? It's not gonna happen overnight. #lamejoke

Braid

Back in the day, one of my daughters once asked if I could braid her hair. The result was a parently knot. #lamejoke 

Bees

The reason bees stay in the hive in the winter? Swarm. #lamejoke

Horror

I saw a horror movie about people who could not stop sneezing until they died. It's based on achoo story. #lamejoke

Elton John

Then there was the joke about Elton John. It's a little bit funny. #lamejoke

Carryout

The name of a carryout restaurant which only sells dairy? How about whey-to-go? #lamejoke

Marathon

The nudist who competed in the marathon was on a winning streak. #lamejoke

 

Records

I was arrested yesterday after the neighbors complained about me playing Englebert Humperdink records all night. Police released me, let me go. #lamejoke

Trailer

I tried driving a truck with a trailer that was attached without using the proper equipment. It went off without a hitch. #lamejoke

Text

Sad news. The man who invented predictive text has passed away. May he rust in piss. #lamejoke

River

I once wrote a story about crossing a wide river without a bridge in my car. It ended up being a ferry tale. #lamejoke

Hairdresser

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. How are you getting there?"

"We're taking British Airways," was the reply. "We got a great rate!”

"British Airways?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome‘s Tiber River called Tesse.”

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in to the hairdressing shop. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job. And now it’s a jewel. The finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn’t get to see the Pope. “

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said, "Who the fuck did your hair?" #lamejoke

Ghost

Turns out Joey's girlfriend was actually a ghost this entire time. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door. #lamejoke

Dentist

Sometimes dentists ask dumb questions like, “When’s the last time you flossed?” Like, Bro, you were there! #lamejoke

Egg

Joey thought breaking up with an egg would be hard, but once he did, he said that it was over easy. #lamejoke

Kitchen Zoo

In case you're wondering what’s in the kitchen but belongs in a zoo? It's a pan. Duh. #lamejoke

Bean

Mr. Bean said it best when he said.... 

#lamejoke

Stew

Tonight we're having Mt. Everest rabbit stew for dinner. We found him a layin' on the road. #lamejoke

Crow

I adopted a crow today. It was for a good caws. #lamejoke

Pebble

The shy pebble's greatest aspiration? To be a little boulder. #lamejoke

Dinosaur

I asked the librarian who the best author of dinosaur books is. She said try Sarah Topps. #lamejoke

Roulette

I tried to caution a friend about playing Russian Roulette, but it went in one ear and out the other. #lamejoke

Teacher

The music teacher was fired for reading band books. #lamejoke

Adjective

The adjective for metal is metallic But not so for iron which is ironic. #lamejoke

Sculptor

I tried to make money as a sculptor, but I could only get the heads right so I went bust. #lamejoke

Record

A friend asked me to meet him at the music store in 45. I got there in 33, which is record speed. #lamejoke

Shower

Joey tried to take a picture of himself in the shower, but the image was too blurry. He says that he has selfie steam issues. #lamejoke

Contest

I was in a contest where, if you talked, you lost. It was quite the competition, to say the least. #lamejoke

Weather

I enjoy the cold weather, but only to a certain degree. #lamejoke

Skydiver

Then there's the one about the skydiver that crashed into a Ferris wheel. Good news! He's slowly coming around. #lamejoke

Communism

Some people think that communism is the best. They like being paid ourly. #lamejoke

Shoes

 I decided to stop tying my shoes. I thought, "Why knot?" #lamejoke

Army

I wanted to know what the lowest rank in the army is, but no one would tell me. Apparently, it's private. #lamejoke

Proximity

Are you someone who has to be around people all the time? You're not alone. #lamejoke 

Medicine

I hear that there's a new medicine you can get that cures scepticism. I'm not buyin' it. #lamejoke

Bread

My wife asked me if she should learn any new bread recipes. I told her no need. #lamejoke

Spiders

In Iran, everyone is very afraid of spiders, but Iraq, no phobia. #lamejoke

Knitting

There's a guy going around stabbing people with knitting needles. The police say he may be following a pattern. #lamejoke

Broccoli

The difference between broccoli and boogers? Not every kid will eat broccoli. #lamejoke

Hill

 The toilet paper rolled down the hill to get to the bottom. #lamejoke

Crayons

Nurses like red crayons because sometimes they have to draw blood. #lamejoke

Name

The name Frodo really has a ring to it. #lamejoke

Saturday

I hear that National Diarrhea Awareness Week runs thro' next Saturday…. #lamejoke

Band

They needed a fourth member for the fisherman rock and roll band, so Joey played the castanets. #lamejoke

Frostbite

Joey's doctor was trying to describe the treatment plan for his frostbite. He couldn't picture it, so she showed him a faux toe. #lamejoke

Vacation

Yesterday I put a world map on the wall in the kitchen, gave my wife a dart, and said, "Throw this and, wherever it lands, I'll take you there for a vacation." Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge. #lamejoke

Painting

The competitive painting contest might have been a failure as it ended in a draw. #lamejoke

Neck

Last year wasn't much fun for Joey as he had a broken neck. But at least now he can look back and laugh. #lamejoke

Money

I took some money off the wall. Now I hear my wife saying, "Where's wall dough?" #lamejoke

Flashlight

 In the dark is where a flashlight really shines. #lamejoke

Newspaper

I ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use old newspapers. The Times are rough. #lamejoke