Strippers

Where strippers go? Twerk. #lamejoke 

Breath

What cannibals eat to freshen their breath? Mentos. #lamejoke

Wife

My wife banned me from making breakfast puns. She says if I make any more, I’m toast. (The kids keep egging me on.) #lamejoke

Glasses

Tomorrow, my wife and I are getting new glasses. After that? We’ll see…. #lamejoke

Horse

A horse, a sheep, and a chicken lived together on a farm.

The horse had long dreamed of learning to play the guitar.

So the horse rings a music shop and he says, “Hey, I’d love to learn to play guitar. Is there anyone who can teach me”?

The music shop manager says “That’s not an issue, let’s get you started on some music lessons.”

The horse says “Well there’s one problem, sir, I’m actually a horse.”

The music store manager says “Hey, that’s not a problem! I’m sure I can manage to teach you!”.

The horse says “Awesome!” so he goes in to his lessons and in no time he’s rockin’ the whole farm with his guitar.

One day the sheep comes wandering over. Sheep watches horse play for a bit and then says that he’d really like to learn to play drums, and can horse recommend anyone who can teach him?

Horse gives sheep the number of the music shop, and sheep dials the number.

The music store manager says “Hey, no problem, I’ll teach you to play drums! How about we set up some lessons?”

The sheep says, “Is it going to be a problem if I’m a sheep?”

The manager says “Not a problem! In fact, awhile ago I taught a horse to play guitar, so it shouldn’t be too hard to teach a sheep to play drums!”.

So the sheep goes for his music lessons and soon enough, he’s mastered them and he and horse start jamming together in the stables.

One morning sheep and horse are rocking the hose down when chicken struts past. Chicken is very impressed and tells horse and sheep that he’s always wanted to learn to sing, and could horse or sheep recommend anyone?

They both tell him about the music shop and the chicken decides to call the music shop.

So he gives the shop a call and tells the manager that he’s always longed to learn to sing, and could anyone help him?

The shop manager says it’s no problem, and when is he free to come in for lessons?

Chicken says, “There’s just one small issue”.

The shop manager asks, “What’s that?.”

The chicken says, Well...I’m a chicken.”

The manager says “That’s no problem, I’ve taught a horse to play guitar and a sheep to play drums, so I’m sure I can teach a chicken to sing”.

So chicken takes his lessons and in no time at all he’s the best singer you ever heard. He and sheep and horse decide to form a band, and start playing together, and even writing songs.

One day they’re smashing it out out in the stables when they decided to record a video of one of their songs and upload it to YouTube.

The song ends up going viral. It’s so popular they release more videos, and soon they have a massive fan base. They all decide it’s time to embark on a world tour.

At the airport, as the plane is about to board, horse says “Guys, I need to use the bathroom, I’ll catch up with you two before the flight leaves.”

Both the chicken sheep board the plane, but horse takes too long in the bathroom and misses the flight.

As horse is waiting for a new flight, he’s watching TV and a news story tells him that the plane sheep and chicken were on crashed and both chicken and sheep tragically died.

Horse was very upset about losing his two closest friends and decides to go into the bar across the road and get a drink to drown his sorrows.

He walks in and orders, and as he’s sitting at the bar drinking, the barman looks at horse and says “Why the long face?” #lamejoke

Chicken

The chicken went to the gym to work on his pecs. #lamejoke

Pigs

One day, two pigs named Earl and Ernie were working at their jobs at an insurance company. Ernie and Earl worked all day long and were in desperate need of a break or at least something different in their lives. This partiucular day started as normal. Earl and Ernie clocked in, went their respective cubicles, and worked until it was time for lunch. Ernie sat at the lone table in the breakroom slowly eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich he had prepared that morning while staring at the clock on the wall. "Earl oughta be here any minute now", Ernie thought to himself. Earl walked in and joined him at the table just as he'd finished that thought.

"You got any plans this weekend?", Earl said opening his lunch box. Ernie looked at him across the table and frowned. Earl knew that Ernie didn't have any plans. He never did. So, he decided to not even answer the question, and instead take another bite of his sandwich. "I'll take that as a no", Earl said with a chuckle. Earl went on ask Ernie if he'd like to go camping with him. They'd leave on friday and return Sunday night. Ernie didn't see anything wrong with it. He'd gone camping once as a piggy and had a good time, so he figured why not.

So friday finally came around. Ernie and Earl had taken the day off and Ernie was at home waiting for Earl to come pick him up. Earl told him earlier that week that he wouldn't need to bring anything. Eventually, Earl arrived at Ernie's house and blew the horn to let Ernie know he was there. "Come on out let's roll!", Earl shouted from the his truck. Ernie rose up from his chair and made his way to his front door, but before he got there he accidentally kicked a ball. "We could play catch with this when we get to the campsite", Ernie said to himself. After hearing Earl blow his horn again, Ernie quickly picked up the ball and ran outside.

The two pigs arrived at the campsite, and they immediately got to work setting up everything. Ernie was genuinely surprised at how prepared Earl was for this trip. He was fully prepared for Earl to tell him that he'd forgotten something, but that never happened. Earl worked on building the campfire using firewood he'd purchased while Ernie worked on setting up the tent. The pigs were fully setup before the sun even began to go down. At this point, there was nothing more to do but relax until the next morning.

Eventually Earl's stomach began to rumble, and naturally he went back to this truck to grab some snacks. It was at this moment that Ernie decided to throw the ball he brought at Earl while his back was turned. Ernie threw the ball, but Earl had turned around to ask what snack Ernie wanted him to bring back. The ball hit Earl square in the chest and bounced into some nearby bushes. A massive smile appeared on Earl's face and he immediately went into the bushes to retrieve the ball. No words needed to be exchanged the two pigs were now in a game of dodgeball.

The game went on well after the sun went down, but it was abruptly cut short by Earl. Earl called for the game to pause for a moment because he had to do something in his truck, and immediately went to do it before Ernie could even say anything. Fearing that something might be wrong, Ernie went over to the truck and opened the door to the backseat to see Earl sitting there fumbling through a first aid kit.

Earl looked up at Ernie and explained, "My arms and legs have been pretty itchy since I came out of that bush earlier, so I came in here to get some oink-ment." #lamejoke

Mushroom

Our mushroom foraging expedition was disappointing. There's no morel to this story. #lamejoke