An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.

When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

A minister, driving down to New York, is stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" 

And the minister says, "Just water."

The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?" 

And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawnmower.

“How much do you want for the mower?” asked the preacher.

“I’m just trying to make enough money to buy a bicycle,” said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, “Will you take my bike in trade for it?”

The boy said, “You got a deal.”

The preacher took the mower and tried to crank it. He pulled on the string a few times with no response from the mower.

The preacher called the little boy over and said, “I can’t get this mower to start.”

The little boy said, “That’s ’cause you have to cuss at it to get it started.”

The preacher said, “I’m a minister, and I can’t cuss. It’s been so long since I’ve been saved that I don’t know if I even remember how to cuss.”

The little boy looked at him happily and said, “Just keep pulling on that string. It’ll come back to ya!”

Waiter! Waiter! Do you have frog’s legs?

No sir, it’s just the way I’m standing.

Then there was the one about the man in the hospital whose doctor came into his room and said, "I have some bad news and some good news for you." 

The man said, “What's the bad news?" 

The doctor said, "We need to cut off both your legs.” 

The man said, “What's the good news? 

The doctor answered, “The man in the next bed next wants to buy your slippers!"

A man takes his dog to the vet. “My dog is crossed eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 

“Well,” says the vet, “let’s take a look at him.” 

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” 

“What? Because he is cross-eyed?”

“No, because he’s really heavy.”

Why could Frosty the Snowman see everything?

Because he had ice in the back of his head!

What does Santa call a reindeer that doesn't work?

Dinner.

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.

The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"

The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

What is the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle? 

A tire.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back five minutes later: "Computer is really screwed up, now."

A Cub Scout troop was thirty minutes late to the den meeting. 

The den mother asked them severely, “Why are you so late?”

“Oh,” said one boy, “we were helping a little old lady cross the street.”

“That’s a nice thing for scouts to do,” said the mother. She paused. “But it shouldn’t make you a half an hour late.”

“Well, you see,” said another boy, “she didn’t want to go.”

What has a jolly laugh, brings you presents and scratches up your furniture?

Santa Claws.

What vegetable makes birds fart?

A sparrow gas.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Yourself.

Yourself who?

You cell phone's ringing, you'd better answer it.

What is a pirate's favorite letter?

His first love "be the sea".

Knock, knock!

Who’s there?

Dexter.

Dexter, who?

Dexter halls with boughs of holly.

What’s the difference between Santa’s reindeer and a knight?

One slays the dragon, and the other's draggin' the sleigh.

"Dad, I’ve been picked for the school football team!"

"That’s great, son.  Which position do you play?"

"The coach says I’m one of the drawbacks."

What has given Mr. Bubbles nightmares since elementary school?

Pop quizzes!

Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?

Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

What is Santa Claus's nationality?

North Polish.

How does a sheep say “Merry Christmas”?

“Fleece Navidad!”

A farmer picks up an Native American hitchhiking. 

The Indian is a man of few words but eventually looks at the brown paper bag in between them and asks, "Mmm, what's in the bag?" 

The farmer says, "It's a bottle of wine that I got for my wife." 

The Indian thinks for a second and says, "Mmm, good trade."

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Olive.

Olive, who?

Olive the other reindeer....

What do snowmen like to do on the weekend?

Chill out.

Why was school easier for cave people?

Because there was no history to study.

Why are soldiers so tired on April 1?

Because they just had a 31 day March.

Why did the atom cross the road?

It was time to split.

A tourist stopped a local in a village he was visiting and asked, “What is the quickest way to the lake?" 

The local thought for a while. “Are you walking or driving?” he asked the tourist. 

“I’m driving.” 

“That is the quickest way!” the local said.

Which famous inventor of the telegraph enjoyed campfire treats?

S. Morse.

The manager of a large office asked a new employee to come into his office, "What is your name?" 

"John," the new guy replied. 

The manager scowled. "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name! It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority," he said. "I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?" 

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling." 

The manager said, "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you..."

A man goes to see his doctor. 

The doctor asks what is wrong and the man says, "Doctor, I think I'm a moth."

To this the doctor responds, "You think you're a moth? Well I don't think you need a doctor. Sounds like what you need is a therapist." 

"Yeah I know," replies the patient. "I was on my way to see a therapist, but I came in here because I saw your light was on."

Why do pilgrims' pants keep falling down? 

 

Because their belt buckles are on their hats!

What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called? 

 

Turkey feathers.

Why did the turkey cross the road?

Because the chicken got Thanksgiving off.

How do little Pilgrims draw pictures?

With crayon-berries.

Which mineral ought to come in standard containers?

Quartz.

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Do you know why his father didn't punish him?" 

Student: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's ok, he woke up.

What makes music on your head?

A head band.

Why do turkeys gobble?

Because they never learned table manners!

What did the mother Thanksgiving turkey say to her disobedient children? 

 

"If your father could see you now, he’d turn over in his gravy!"

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. 

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later." 

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." 

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted. 

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." 

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." 

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" 

"Under the wagon."

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says,"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." 

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Charlie's wife, Lucy, had been after him for several weeks to paint the seat on their toilet. Finally, he got around to doing it while Lucy was out. After finishing, he left to take care of another matter before she returned.

Lucy came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, Charlie got home and realized her predicament. They both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, Charlie undid the toilet seat bolts. Lucy wrapped a sheet around herself and Charlie drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her. Lucy tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before".

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them... I just never saw one mounted and framed."

Did you hear about the skunk that went to church?

He sat in his own pew.

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner....

A woman burst out of the examining room screaming after her young physician tells her she is pregnant. 

The director of the clinic stopped her and asked what the problem was. 

After she tells him what happened, the doctors had her sit down and relax in another room and he marched down the hallway where the woman’s physician was and demanded, “What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” 

The young physician continued to write his notes and without looking up at his superior, asked, “Does she still have the hiccups?”

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Henrietta.

Henrietta who?

Henrietta worm that was in his apple.

A teacher said to her student, "Billy, if both of your parents were born in 1967, how old are they now?"

After a few moments, Billy answered, "It depends."

"It depends on what?" she asked.

"It depends on whether you ask my father or my mother."

The world’s worst conductor was directing up his band during a practice for an upcoming concert. Half way through the first act he was directing with wild abandon when, out of his hand, his baton flew and impaled itself in the eye of a flute player instantly killing her. 

The police arrive shortly after and ruled the case as an accident. 

The following week at practice, he again was caught up in the music of the second act and out of his hand flew the baton, which this time struck a flute player in the eye instantly killing her. 

The police arrived and after consideration ruled the case an accident. 

The following week at practice the conductor again got lost in the moment of the music of the third act and out of his hand flew the baton this time hitting a trumpet player in the eye and killing him instantly. 

After the police arrived they could not believe that this was an accident after the third death, and the conductor was arrested. 

The conductor was tried and sentenced to death in the electric chair. After strapping him in the chair operator threw the switch, nothing happened. 

Again he threw the switch and nothing happened. 

The warden was frustrated by this time and demanded that the chair operator explain what the problem was, to which the chair operator explained, "Well, everyone knows he's a bad conductor.

What does a bee sit on?

His behind.

What do you call a smart duck?

A wise quacker.

How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two. The hard part is getting them into the lightbulb.

A three year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. 

When they returned home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. 

"How did you know?" his mother asked. 

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Hearing about a dinosaur alive in the rain forests of South America, a professor launches a scientific expedition. After several weeks he stumbles upon a little man wearing a loincloth, standing near a 300-foot-long dead dinosaur. 

The scientist can't believe his eyes. "Did you kill this dinosaur?" he asks.

"Yep," replies the rain-forest native. 

"But it's so big and you're so small! How did you kill it?" 

"With my club," the primitive fellow answered. 

"How big is your club?" 

"Well, there are about 100 of us."

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" 

He said, "Call for backup."

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? 

They're married.

Tom decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was organizing his golfing equipment. His wife was standing nearby watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks. "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we're married maybe it's time you quit golfing. You spend so much time on the course. You could probably get a good price for your clubs."

Tom gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"For a minute there you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't," he replied.

A teacher was reading the story of The Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather building materials for his home. She read, "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me, sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

The teacher paused, then asked the class, "And what do you think the man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "Well I'll be damned! A talking pig!"

What do you call a witch's garage? 

A broom closet.

What do you give a skeleton for Valentine's Day? 

Bone-bones in a heart-shaped box.

What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack? 

Count Duckula.

What's a vampire's favorite fruit? 

A necktarine.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by its diameter? 

Pumpkin Pi.

What does a vampire fear the most? 

Tooth decay.

Why did the ghost go into the bar? 

For the Boos.

Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? 

Bootiques.

Why did the monster’s mother knit him three socks?

She heard he grew another foot!

What do you call a vampire that lives in a kitchen?

Count Spatula.

What is Dracula’s favorite circus act?

He always goes for the juggler!

Two monsters went to a party. Suddenly one said to the other, “A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”

“Be a gentleman and roll them back to her.”

What do ghosts eat for supper?

Spooketti.

What do you get if you cross Bambi with a ghost?

Bamboo.

What monster flies his kite in a rain storm?

Benjamin Franklinstein!

Why do ghosts like to ride in elevators?

It raises their spirits.

Why couldn’t the ghost see its mom and dad?

Because they were trans-parents!

What do witches put on their hair?

Scare spray!

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?

No body!

On the first day of school, the kindergarten teacher said, “If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers.” 

A little voice from the back of the room asked, “How will that help?”

During a dinner party, the hosts’ two very young children entered the dinning room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept he conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening.

After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, “You see, it IS vanishing cream!”

Where did the Egyptian Mummy go to get her back fixed?

The Cairo..practor!

When a fellow called a motel and asked how much they charged for a room, the clerk told him that the rates depended on room size and number of people. 

“Do you take children?” the man asked.

“No, sir,” replied the clerk. “Only cash and credit cards.”

Apple Inc. has developed a new high tech toilet. 

The details are not yet clear, but the company is torn between two names for the new device: Either the iPood, or the iPeed.

"Well, I finally retired my old car", said the old man. 

His pal asked, "Did you junk it or trade it in?" 

"Naw, nothing like that. I put four new Michelins on it."

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. 

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" 

After several seconds of silence, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake?"

Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet, the mother rushed her to the emergency room.

"She'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through her system in a day or two."

"How will I be sure"? she pressed.

"Well," the doctor suggested, "You could stick her on the refrigerator. When she falls off, you'll know."

It was local election time and the candidate was visiting all the houses in his area.

At one house a small boy answered the door. “Tell me, young man, “said the politician, “Is your Mommy in the Republican Party or the Democratic Party?”

“Neither,” said the child, “she’s in the bathroom.”

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

"Why don't you do that?" said the wife.

"Honey," replied her husband, "I don't even know that woman!"

A man at a restaurant asks the waiter, “How do you prepare your chickens?

The waiter replies, “Nothing special. We just tell ’em they’re gonna die.”

Which way did the programmer go?

He went data way!

It's all in the punctuation:

An English professor wrote the words "Woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "Woman: Without her, man is nothing."

Visiting a genealogist, a man asked how much it would cost to have his family tree traced. 

“It could cost thousands of dollars,” said the woman. 

“I see. Well, isn’t there an easier way? A less expensive way?” 

“Sure,” she replied. “Run for president.”

Why was the cat wearing a tuxedo?

He was going to the hare ball!

While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Jack and his wife, Barb, listened to the instructor, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” 

He further addressed the crowd, “Can you describe your wife’s favorite flower?” 

Jack leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Its Pillsbury isn’t it?”

What game encourages drinking and driving? 

Golf.

During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show.

After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, “How’d you do that?”

“I could tell you, sir,” the magician answered, “but then I’d have to kill you.”

After a short pause, the man yelled back, “Okay, then… just tell my wife.”

Herds of elephants from all over Africa were summoned to a meeting in the jungle, as their national leader took his place on the stage, one of the African elephants trumpeted impatiently, “Come on, tell us what this is all about. We’re all ears.”

A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting outside at a nudist colony. 

The history professor asked, “Have you read Marx? 

The psychology professor replied, “Yes. I think it’s from the wicker chairs.”

On his 76th birthday, Jerry got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

 

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned,

 

'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

 

Jerry was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

 

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

 

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he became the manliest of all men.

 

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

 

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Two fonts, Arial and Calibri, were in the midst of a bad breakup. 

Calibri said, "I'm sorry, you're personality is too bold." 

Arial responded, "You're just not my type...."

Alice was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group, but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.

When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, "Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!"

So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake. She found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and then covered it with icing.

Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect!

And, before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold!

Amanda grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified-she was beside herself! Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, ridiculed!

All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake, and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.

She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of her town, but having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old south, and to Alice's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!

Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

Alice smiled and thought to herself, "God is good."

What color is a belch?

Burple.

If two collars had a race, how would it end? 

In a tie!

What is a parasite? 

Something you see in Paris.

Whats green and fluffy and comes from Mars?  

A Martian-mellow.

A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game.

The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.”

The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole.

“Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro.

“Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said, after he was able to speak again.

“Oh great! Now you tell me,” said the beginner in a disgusted tone.

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff?” the young man blurted out.

“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?”

The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued. 

“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”

What word is always spelt incorrectly? 

Incorrectly.

Why couldn't prehistoric man send birthday cards? 

The stamps kept falling off the rocks.

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing!" said the woman, "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.

This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equally fundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog they liked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home.

That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their new fundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.

The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn’t thought about “normal” tricks.

"Well," they said, “let’s try this out.”

Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command, “Heel!”

Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man’s forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Nana.

Nana who?

Nana your business.

Why did the pirate go to the Caribbean?

He wanted some arr and arr.

“Is there anything wrong?” asked bartender of the young, well-dressed customer who sat staring grimly into his drink. 

 “Two months ago my grandfather died and left me one hundred thousand dollars” said the man. 

 “That doesn’t sound like anything to be upset about,” said the bartender. “It should happen to me.” 

 “Yeah,” said the sour young man, “but last month an uncle on my father’s side passed away. He left me ninety-five thousand dollars.” 

“So why are you sitting here looking so unhappy?” asked the bartender. 

 “This month – so far – not a cent.”

The teacher wrote on the blackboard, “I ain’t had no fun all summer.”

“Now Paul,” she said. “What shall I do to correct this?”

“Get a boy friend?” Paul replied.

They were watching a TV soap opera, and he became irritated by the way his wife was taking it to heart. 

 

 “How can you sit there and cry about the made-up troubles of people you’ve never even met?” he demanded.

“The same way you can jump up and scream when some guy you’ve never met scores a touchdown,” she replied.

After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing, Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up and check. In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a bottle of cognac.

“Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?”

“Right,” Mark extemporized. “That, madam, is my nightcap.”

What's the opposite of a somersault?

A winter pepper.

“What is your occupation?” asked the judge.

“I’m a locksmith, your honor.”

“And what were you doing in the jeweler’s shop at three in the morning when the police officers entered?"

“I was making a bolt for the door!”

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. 

 He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Have you heard the latest scandal?

Dr. Pepper was drunk at a party.

She was caught in a love triangle, forced to choose between her love for shoes and her love for him....

And frankly, he just didn't match her purse.

Did you hear the one about the dumb student that went to the library and checked out a book called "How to Hug"? 

He got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopedia.

What do you call a quartermaster who's in charge of boring machines and attachments?

 

A drill sergeant.

What kind of spy hangs out in department stores?

A counter spy.

Did you hear the one about the calendar thief?

He got 12 months and they say his days are numbered....

Why was the broom late?

Because he overswept.

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." 

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." 

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything!"

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule." 

The lawyer asked, "What is the NC Three-Kick Rule?" 

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom. 

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. 

The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." 

The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

What did one mountain say to the other mountain after an earthquake?

It's not my fault.

How did the artist paint a picture?

Easel-y.

Noah’s wife asked, “Why are we going in circles?” 

He replied, “Because God said we should sail in an arc.”

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00," he says.  This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the Net.

He sends emails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the $500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.