Benny

Benny worked at the Fahrvergnugen Museum, and his job was to keep all of the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous genie appeared before him.

"Master," the genie began, "I am the genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you -- you must never shave again for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to live inside the urn forever." Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny wished for a billion dollars in a Swiss bank account, which was promptly granted. Later he wished for the woman of his dreams, and he was married to her. Finally, he wished for fame and fortune, which came to him, and he was regarded as a worldwide celebrity.

In the meantime, Benny's beard became longer and longer, and it started to itch. He tried to ignore it, but with every passing year the itch got worse. Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard once and for all. Having shaved it off, he lost everything he wished for, and instantly he was, himself, trapped in the urn to stay there forever.

The moral of the story: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned. #lamejoke 

Alexander

When Alexander The Great was waging war on the entire known world of his time, it chanced that he received a slight spear-wound on his wrist. Wrapping an old cloth around it, he continued the battle. After victory was his, one of his aides noticed that the dried blood on the rag around Alexander The Great's wrist was lining up on it in such a way that if one looked at it in the light of the sun it resembled a sundial and you could tell the correct time!

They called it Alexander's Rag-Time-Band! #lamejoke 

Ranch

Mamie Webser, widowed early in her marriage, carried on working her husband's cattle ranch and for many years toiled at the arduous chores that go with raising beef for market. As the years wore on, her three big sons took on more and more of the work until she was able to retire, watch the young men labor, and the money roll in. On thing troubled her. In all those years she had never been able to think of a good name for the ranch. One day a neighbor suggested she call it "Focus."

"Why Focus?" Mamie asked.

"It should be obvious," she was told, "because that's where the sons raise meat." #lamejoke

Basketball

Kareem Abdul Jabbar, previously of the Los Angeles Lakers, was one of the best basketball players in the NBA. While he is still with us, an enterprising biotechnology company recently took some of his cells to be grown into another great basketball player. The cells are stored away awaiting the necessary advances in human biotechnology. At that time they will be thawed out, but until then they will be kept frozen -- an iced Kareem clone. #lamejoke

Chicken

Listen now to the story of the two brothers Hing and Ming. Each was devoted to the search for ultimate wisdom, but they differed greatly on how it was to be found. One day their pet chicken fell ill, began to molt, and soon lost all of its feathers! The brothers decided that this would be an ideal test case and agreed to each spend two months trying to cure the chicken.

Hing immediately went back to the university. Having boned up on ornithology and traditional Chinese medicine, he decided that the answer was a prescription of gum-tree leaf tea. He gathered bushels of the tea leaves, brewed gallons of the tea, and poured it into the chicken for the two months.

Meanwhile, Ming traveled all around China, praying at the shrines of his ancestors. One night he had a dream. His ancestors appeared and told him to feed the chicken tea made from gum-tree leaves!!!

Ming, aware of his brother's lack of success, decided that the problem was quantity. He gathered whole CARTLOADS of leaves, and brewed BARRELS of the tea, and poured them into the chicken for the two months. At the end of the time, the poor chicken was still as naked as a bowling ball.

Moral: All of Hing's courses, and all of Ming's kin; couldn't make gum tea refeather a hen! #lamejoke 

Humanoid

In the year 2744, a human survey team discovered a planet whose sole inhabitant was an enormous humanoid, three miles high and made of something very like granite. At first it was mistaken for an immense statue left by some vanished race of giants, for it squatted motionless on a vast rocky plain, exhibiting no outward sign of life. It had legs (two), but apparently never rose to walk on them. It had a mouth, but never ate or spoke. It had what appeared to be a perfectly functional brain, the size of a fifty-story condominium, but the organ lay dormant, electrochemical activity at a standstill. Yet, it lived.

This puzzled hell out of the scientists, who tried everything they could think of to elicit some sign of life from the behemoth--in vain. It just squatted, motionless and seemingly thoughtless, until one day a xenobiologist, frustrated beyond endurance, screamed, "How could evolution give legs, mouth and brain to a creature that doesn't use them?"

It happened that he was the first one to ask a direct question in the thing's presence. It rose with a thunderous rumble to its full height, scattering the clouds, pondered for a second, boomed, "It couldn't," and squatted down again.

"Migod," exclaimed the xenobiologist. "Of course! It only stands to reason." #lamejoke

Dentist

I went to the dentist but I only had one dollar. I came out with buck teeth. #lamejoke

Rainy

The jungles of Columbia are rainy, but the mountains in Washington are Rainier. #lamejoke 

Mannequin

Joey once worked as a mannequin in Macy's department store. He held that position for a long time. #lamejoke 

Taxi

The city approved a new AI taxi. The driverless vehicle could only fit one person, and supposedly it would drive you to the location of a specific person. However, this function did not work as intended, and often the car ended up driving in circles. So even the worst taxi driver in the city was criticizing it. You see it takes one to no one. #lamejoke

Penguin

A penguin walked into a bar and said, “Has anyone seen my brother?” The bartender said, “What does he look like?” #lamejoke

Opera

A group of friends loved the opera. They would get season tickets together, discuss performances, travel to famous opera houses and arrange special back-stage tours. After years of this, one member suggested that he would love to be buried with the group. To his surprise, his friends agreed. One of the wealthier members even put up money to create a large baroque mausoleum. The mausoleum was quite a sight and became a local attraction. As time passed and the friends were interred, the fame of the mausoleum grew, and eventually people traveled from far and wide to see the fan tomb of the opera. #lamejoke 

Fish

And then there was the one about the man who thought he was a fish. After an evaluation, the doctors determined he was mentally eel. #lamejoke 

Hacker

How did the hacker escape? He just ransomware. #lamejoke 

Yogurt

On a vacation in Europe, I rented a car, but the ride was really rough and bumpy. I took it to a mechanic who filled the space between the frame and wheels with yogurt. It was quite the culture shock. #lamejoke

Weevils

There were once two weevils living in the country together. One day, they were talking about life, and decided to do something about their miserable existences. So they made a bet: they would return in a year's time, and compare who'd made a better life for himself.

A year passed. They returned. One had become a legal aid, working in the insect courts of England (as an earwig). The other was still flipping dung-balls at Mc(Farmer)Donalds. The second, obviously having lost the bet, was from then known on as The Lesser Of Two Weevils. #lamejoke

Slalom

One of the contenders I saw at the recent Winter Olympics was an Eskimo who competed in the downhill slalom. The trouble was that he just kept getting in the way of the other skiers. At first I couldn't believe my eyes, but then I realized he was just an obstacle Aleutian. #lamejoke

Prestidigitation

A member of a seventeenth century French military unit used to entertain the troops by performing slight of hand tricks and other feats of prestidigitation. His grand finale was to make himself disappear in a cloud of vapor. This caused one of his compatriots to exclaim, "Amazing! . . . There he goes, puff, the magic dragoon!" #lamejoke  

Quickie

Joey asked a waitress for a quickie today. Turns out that's not how to say quiche, and boy oh boy, was he left with egg on his face. #lamejoke 

Clown

A clown is accosted by a mugger in a dark alley. "Hand over your wallet!" snarls the mugger, "and don't try anything funny." #lamejoke

Tesla

I know why Tesla cars are expensive. They charge a lot. #lamejoke 

Kleenex

The workers at the Kleenex factory are going out on strike. Thousands will picket. #lamejoke

Thunk

What goes ha, ha, ha, ha, thunk? A man laughing his head off. #lamejoke

Squeak

What goes snap, crackle, squeak? Mice crispies. #lamejoke

Murder

A woman suspected of murdering her husband just dumped a bag of flour into his grave. The plot thickens... #lamejoke 

Catacomb

My wife asked what a catacomb is. I told her it’s an old Italian invention for getting knots out of cat fur. She didn't laugh. She wasn't feline funny. #lamejoke 

Similies

Similies. What are they like? #lamejoke

Cat

What a cat says when it gets hurt? Me owww. #lamejoke

Panda

What you call a naked panda? A bare. #lamejoke 

Silence

Silence is golden. Unless you have kids. Then silence is suspicious. #lamejoke