Hill

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone??"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!"

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

"Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music! #lamejoke

Mermaids

Given their anatomy, some people wonder how mermaids can give birth. They usually have a sea section. #lamejoke 

Business

A computer programmer, bored with his job, decided to start his own business. Wanting to do something totally different from his current occupation, he bought a mating pair of rheas and a large tract of land.

His rhea farm was soon doing a booming business as there appeared to be a great demand for the birds. Not being satisfied with just selling the birds, the rhea farmer started researching how the birds were being used. He found that all parts of the birds were being utilized, except the feathers. Nobody wanted the plainly colored rhea feathers.

The ex-programmer, now rhea farmer, purchased some equipment, technical people, and chemicals, and was soon selling fancy, colored rhea feathers. The resulting sales were amazing and made the new feather merchant very happy. There was one small problem. The workers making the colored feathers were becoming quite ill. The concerned young man called in a number of doctors to determine the nature of the illness.

It was discovered that without exception, the workers had developed a severe case of "dye a rhea". #lamejoke

Fireworks

Speaking of travels, I heard that when Marco Polo first opened the trade routes to China, he was quite impressed with their rockets. Now, these weren't quite the fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and make some pretty patterns. Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate them for him.

"Not here!" they said. ...very confusing. Until ol' Marc came upon an ancient military fortification at the community of Chu'Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every night, and Marc was very impressed!

But still he wondered, "Why here?" At the end of every week, people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch. So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.

Marc's guide replied: "Why honored Sir, We always set off fireworks on the Forts of Chu'Lai." #lamejoke

Subtract

If you subtract 2 from 4, what’s left? The opposite of right. #lamejoke

Football

Way back when we first met, I took my wife to her first football game. Afterward, I asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied. "Especially the tight pants and all the big hard muscles. But I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." I asked her: "What do you mean?" "Well, they flip a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I'm like hello? It's only 25 cents!" #lamejoke 

Sheep

I hired a female sheep to distribute advertisements for my flower arranging business, because only ewe can prevent florist flyers. #lamejoke

Stocks

I started investing in stocks. Beef, chicken, and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire. #lamejoke

Shovel

Joey’s wife told him that it was his turn to shovel and salt the front steps. All she got were icy stares. #lamejoke

Pirate

A pirate captain, his first mate, and their crew of seven scallywags had sailed the seven seas for years. They suffered from scurvy, gnarly skin conditions, and dehydration, but tests showed they never developed any malignant tumors. Why were they always cancer-free? Because there be nine. #lamejoke 

Clocks

Typically there are no clocks in libraries because they tock too much. #lamejoke

Damp

Joey’s in the process of learning all the synonyms for damp. He’s already moist of the way there. #lamejoke

Chase

!News Flash! A man in boxer shorts was arrested for leading police on a brief chase. #lamejoke

Horse

A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “Hey - I see you in here a lot. Are you an alcoholic or something?” The horse says, “I don’t think I am,” and then, poof - he vanishes like he never existed. 

Now this is a play on words about René Descartes’ famous philosophy of “I think, therefore I am.” But explaining that beforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse. #lamejoke

Rodents

I just checked out that social media site for rodents… you know, Mice Space. #lamejoke 

Cell

What the cell said after his sister stepped on his toe? It’s mitosis. #lamejoke

Soup

I tried painting Andy Warhol’s Campbell Soup, but I’m not that good, so it looked nothing like it. The resemblance was uncanny. #lamejoke

Hairstyles

Joey asked me to read a book about 80s hairstyles. I told him that I’d mullet over. #lamejoke

Book

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city. It’s a Rome ants novel. #lamejoke

Tony

Tony asked me not to say his name backwards. I asked, ”Y not?” #lamejoke 

Artist

This guy was making quite the name for himself as a portrait artist. His fees were very reasonable and the locals kept him busy. One day a stretch limo pulled up and a beautiful woman exited the car and told him, “I will gladly pay you $10,000 if you'll paint me in the nude. He had never been given such a proposal for his work. "One moment,” says he. “I will have to talk this over with my wife." Inside the house, the painter and his wife talked it over and decided it would be OK. The painter returned and said, " I will paint you in the nude but I have to leave my socks on so I have someplace to wipe my brushes." #lamejoke

Tastes

What you call a tea that tastes sometimes like tea and sometimes like coffee? Uncertainty. #lamejoke 

Corridor

There isn't a lot of money in the corridor industry, but I’m in it for the long haul. #lamejoke

Zamboni

Looks like the Zamboni driver’s gone missing, but I'm sure he'll resurface soon. #lamejoke

Sausage

This guy fell into a meat grinder. Turned him into a sausage. That's a dumb way to die, to be frank. #lamejoke

Shopping

Out shopping with my wife and I say, “Hey babe, do you like this çäřpẽť?” She goes, “What?” I say, “…This çäřpẽť…do you like it?” She squints her eyes at me and says, “Why are you saying it like that?” I’m like, “Fine… Do you like this accent rug?” #lamejoke