Then there was the joke about the cannibal schoolboy who got suspended....

He was trying to butter up his teacher.

What do you call a bunch of pigs running directly towards you?

A ham-pede.

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am", he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I certainly do appreciate your help."

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

“You know, Harvey,” she comments. “I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my breasts sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons and…my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!” She turns to face her husband and says, “Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself.”

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, “Well…your eyesight’s still good.”

(Harvey will be getting out of the hospital next week.)

In a recent survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin, and the other five per cent said they didn’t really care — they would have married him anyway.

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic.

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the Pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

"It represents a candle," he said.

"You may pass through the Pearly gates," said Saint Peter. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.

He shook them and said, "They're bells."

"You may pass through the pearly gates." Saint Peter said.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow.

"And just how do those symbolize Christmas?" he asked.

The man replied, "They're Carols."

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

Anywhere else it would have been a teethbrush.

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to ‘write’ with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, “Well, that’s great, just great…..Some asshole’s got my pen.”

Why did the watch go on vacation?

To unwind.

Who invented fractions?

Henry the Eighth.

Which ocean won the race?

Neither, they tide.

A married couple had been out Christmas shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon. Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared". The somewhat irate spouse called her husband's cell phone and demanded: "Where ARE you"???

Her husband responds by saying: "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw that diamond necklace that you totally fell in love with, and remember how I told you I didn't have much money at the time but said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile in her voice, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."

Husband: "Well, I'm in the tavern next to that place."

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It's a hardware problem.

A couple of clams were eating chocolate bars while two fish watched.

"Did you see that?" one fish said, as the clams finished their treat. "They didn't offer us a single bite!"

"What do you expect?" asked the other fish. "They're two shellfish."

Do 80 year olds wear boxers or briefs?

Depends.

What do you call a porcupine that doesn't move?

A cactus.

What part does a grizzly sing in the church choir?

Bearitone.

An anarchist was walking down a country road with a bomb hidden in his trench coat. He saw another man approaching him, and, fearing that this other person was a government agent, the anarchist rolled the bomb into a nearby pasture.

A bull walked up to the rolling object, sniffed it and swallowed it whole.

The resulting situation was abominable.

Five seconds later it was noble.

What kind of flooring is inherently sheepish?

Lamb-innate.

And then there was the joke about the constipated accountant....

He couldn't budget.

Why do cats have fur balls?

Because they love a good gag.

Why was the baby chicken thrown out of school?

It was caught peeping during a test.

What do you get when you cross a golden retriever with a carrot?

A fetch-table.

What were the egg's last words in the monastery?

"Out of the frying pan and into the friar."

Why did the boy's tooth fall out?

Because it was "looth".

Do you know someone who seems to know everything? When asked why, they say, “A little birdie told me.” Did you know they probably aren’t lying?

It is a little known fact that there ARE little birds that fly very fast, are never seen, and they are everywhere. – Thus, these creatures are called “Flies Unseen Everywhere” or FUE for short. These birds have an extensive communications network, and they can generally find out anything from anywhere quite quickly. Some of these birds befriend certain individuals and communicate with them by making clucking sounds, much like a chicken. They are not dumb like chickens, however, and can establish a sort of clucking language with the lucky person they befriend. This person is then the one who is always in the know; one step ahead of the competition.

And those people who seem to be in the dark? Those who just don’t get it? Those who’s standard response to any given question is, “Huh?”

Why I think it should be pretty obvious to all, now, that the reason is simply because they don’t have a clucking FUE.

What movie was based on the memoirs of a college cannibal?

The Grad u ate.

A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there’s a very simple answer.

Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn’t know we were getting low. You see, the reason for this is purely geographical.

Our oil is located in Alaska, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Kansas, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, and Texas.

Our dipsticks are located in Washington, D.C.

Any questions?

Why are babies good at basketball?

Because they dribble.