What airline makes sudden, unrelated stops?

Nonsequit Air.

Where do psychologists like to eat?

Kentucky Freud Chicken.

I decided to grow a garden last year. Most of the plants grew really well, but one of my herb plants struggled and eventually died so I had to throw it out. 

It was thyme.

The mother who injected her eight year-old child with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

Her daughter didn’t look surprised.

One day on the farm, a horse was listening to his favorite band, The Beatles, and loved their music so much that he decided he wanted to start his own band, and do a concert for all the animals on the farm.

Later that day he went out to the field and asked a cow if he would like to join the band that he was putting together. The cow agreed as he wanted to help out his friend.

The horse then went to find his friend the pig and asked him if he'd like to join the band as well. He agreed to do so on the terms that he got to play the guitar. The horse was fine by that.

Lastly, he went over to a flock of sheep, and asked if they could sing for his band. They agreed as long as they got to pick the song that they sang. The horse was fine by that.

They practiced all week long until the big day had arrived. The concert was minutes from starting and the band was getting ready to go on stage. Suddenly, when the band saw all the animals waiting to see them perform, they got stage fright and started to panic. The cow, the horse, and the flock of sheep fled from the concert hall.

The horse was devastated because he didn't get to perform in front of all the animals. Then a pig walked by and saw that the horse was upset. The pig looked at the horse and asked, "Why the long face?"

Why didn't the Oreo didn't show up for class?

He was out playing cookie.

What has 72 legs and 26 teeth?

The first row of a country concert.

Where can you buy a rainforest?

Amazon.

Why do beers cost so much on airplanes?

You're paying for the atmosphere.

Why did the knife get fired?

He couldn't cut it.

Why did the dancer take the elevator?

Because he was Fred Astairs.

What do you call a chubby renal system doctor that talks about the weather?

A meteurologist.

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?

It was stuck in a crack.

What's the best advice you can give to a blood donor?

Be positive.

What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms?

2 Na.

Joey's dad is obsessed with all types of bags. Where does he live?

Baghdad.

Where do equines go when they're sick?

The horsepital.

Why did the wizard's girlfriend have a lot of hickeys?

Because he's a neck romancer.

I told my wife about about a bee that I thought was dead but it was still walking.

It must have been a Zom-bee.

What did the fog say to the mist?

Two's company, three's a cloud.

What did the Andean mammal say when it was time to go on vacation?

Alpaca suitcase.

What's a runner's favorite class in school?

Jography.

What do you call a crazy guy in a room full of mosquitoes?

A bit neurotic.

Why did the sycophant open an Indian restaurant?

He wanted to curry favor.

If there’s a bee in your hand, what’s in your eye?

Beauty… beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

What’s a comedian’s least favorite drink?

Booze.

What do you call the man who just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft, and Wonder Woman?

I call him a heroine dealer.

How did the circle catch the square?

With a trapezoid.