A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery.

"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away."

The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"

"What's the difference?" asked the jeweler.

"Well," said the sergeant, an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears."

"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweler. "He had a stocking over his head.

In 1986, Joe Dokes was on vacation in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. 

As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. 

Twenty years later, Joe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his son, John were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Joe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. 

Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. 

Probably wasn't the same elephant....

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!"

The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Thanks, but they're too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!" With that he ate his meal and gave his speech.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. 

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "Oh I'm not a dentist. I work at the morgue.."

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. 

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room. 

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed....

"Not with a carnation."

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. 

 

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. 

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" 

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

A thief and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said. 

"No problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring. 

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window. "What I would give to own that!" she said. 

"Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat. 

Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I would do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.

"Forget that!" the guy moans. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something?"

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward to the front at the altar," the TV evangelist said.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays with all his might for Leroy; the whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

A young boy, about eight years old was picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. 

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. 

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." 

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." 

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
 
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. 

"Oh, he died," the boy said. 

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." 

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." 

"Oh? What was it then?" 

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out. She'd hired a caterer, a band, and a clown. 

Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. Hey Willie! For $100, would you chop off another toe?"

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.

Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free. 

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" 

"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "That would be defeating the porpoise."

A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bulls-eye and win a prize. Only a dollar for three darts. 

The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bulls-eye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls-eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart.

Three bulls-eyes!!!

All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks pass...

The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls-eyes and demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, so he asks the drunk, "Say, what did you win the last time?"

And the drunk responds, "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" 

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

A workman was killed at a construction site. 

 

The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects.

They were a motley crew...

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged. 

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed. 

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago. 

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges. 

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly. 

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. 

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed.

The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe....

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. 

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" 

 

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead." 

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl. 

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. 

His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. 

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 'for' ?

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

 

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" 

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

The General went out to find that none of his GIs were there. 

 

One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." 

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more GIs came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." 

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. 

A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..." 

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down." 

"No," said the GI, "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa.

 

Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle. 

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory. 

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory. 

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night. 

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot. 

When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."

Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game. 

The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor. 

They were the first roller coasters.

Back in those days, the disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk would roll the farthest.

They called them ferrous wheels.

A carrot crosses the road and is hit by a car.

 

He is rushed to the hospital, where he goes through hours of surgery.

After surgery the doctor comes into the carrot's room and says, "Well, I've got good news and bad news."

The carrot says, "Give me the good news first, doc."

The doctor says, "The good news is you?re gonna live."

"And the bad news?" asks the carrot.

"The bad news is your gonna be a vegetable for the rest of your life."

The bank robber looked so peaceful and innocent lying there under his big fluffy blanket. 

Just goes to show that you can't judge a crook by his cover.

Why did Beethoven get rid of all of his chickens?

Because they kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach!"

What kind of teeth can you buy for a dollar?

Buck teeth.

Did you hear they found new evidence of the missing link? 

Hopefully it’s not just another fossil arm.

Why are so many billiard players deaf?

They clean their ears with cue tips.

"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene." 

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" 

"Your cholesterol is down to 140."

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one, but he has to do it while you're eating dinner.

Who was the slowest of the ancient Greek philosophers? 

Aristurtle.

Some years ago, there was a man by the name of Leroy Walter Macaulay, or Lee Wally, as he was known by friends and family, that lived in the mountains of North Carolina, in a clearing just outside of Highlands, North Carolina. He lived in that clearing with his wife, Mary Sue, and his son, Cane. Lee Wally made his living making bootleg liquor, more commonly known as moonshine, in the still of the night, while his wife spent most of her time raising Cane.

Now Lee Wally had a habit that drove everyone to distraction. He carried paper and pencil with him at all times, and he used them to draw aimlessly throughout the day. He drew small designs, circles, squares, zigzag lines, etc. He not only drew when he was relaxing, he also scribbled when he was talking with his neighbors and his family. In short, Lee Wally had a compulsion to draw, and he could not stop.

Now Mary Sue had long since come to terms with Lee Wally’s addiction to scribbling, and the neighbors also had learned to ignore it. Cane, on the other hand, was bothered by his father’s compulsion. It nearly drove him crazy. He just could not stand to watch his pa, Lee Wally, doodle all the day.

Henry was an entomologist at the local university. He was to be up for a promotion this year and with the promotion would come tenure. But there was a problem.

It was not that he couldn't teach - indeed two years ago he'd been honored by the undergraduates by being named their favorite teacher - No his problem was with his research. He hadn't had a successful research project in several years, and in this day of "Publish or Perish", this was not a good situation.

So that day, feeling depressed, he left the University as soon as his morning lecture was over, so that he could work in his garden. This always had been effective in relieving tension in the past. But to his chagrin, he found most of his roses were dying, and on further examination found they were infested with a parasite.

But what were these insects. They appeared to belong to the order Anapleura. That was strange. Anapleura infected mammals not plants.

He examined them more closely. Small. Wingless. Definitely a species of Pediculosis, but one he had never seen before. He gathered up several specimens, and rushed to his lab, full of new vigor. He examined the insects and detail and rapidly wrote an article describing this new species of insect.

Well, I'm sure you know result. The article was immediately accepted by the American Journal of Entomology. His job was saved and he received his most coveted tenure.And he received a new major grant to study this new species.

You could say he had discovered a new lice on leaf.

The young lady said to Grandpa, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth."

"Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???"

The panic-stricken golfer charged into the clubhouse, grabbed the pro by the arm and said, "You have to help! I was on the 9th hole and I hit a terrible slice. The ball sailed right off the course and hit a guy riding a motorcycle. He lost control and swerved into the path of a truck. The truck tried to stop but jack-knifed, rolled over and broke apart. It was carrying hundreds of bee hives and now the angry bees are attacking everyone in sight. It's awful! It's a disaster! What should I do?" 

"Well, the first thing is you've got to keep your arms straight and remember to get your right hand a bit more under the club."

What’s the difference between a miser and a canary? 

One’s a little cheap and the other is a little cheeper.

A couple were being interviewed on their Golden Wedding Anniversary. "In all that time, did you ever consider a divorce?" 

"Oh, no, not divorce, we're too old fashioned for that," one said. "Murder sometimes, but never divorce.

A grandfather and granddaughter were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?" 

"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered. 

A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me too?" 

"Yes, He did," the older man answered. 

For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up.

"You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. 

"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. 

"You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?" 

The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

A friend was giving me the grand tour of his house. The bathrooms had excessively mirrored walls but his wife preferred not to look at herself in such a compromising position. She even went so far as to place a "modesty plant" so that it obscured the view.

Now I don't think there is anything wrong with mirrored walls in the bathroom. I told my friend, "You should be able to sit and reflect."

Why did the inclined plane refuse to divorce the fulcrum? 

He couldn’t lever.

How did the strawberries start their band?

They just got together and jammed.

Why do all Marxists drink imitation tea? 

Because all proper tea is theft.

Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

What do you call a arrogant fugitive falling from a building? 

Condescending.

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of Artie. Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

ARTIE CHOKES 2 FOR $1.00

Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz?

She had three men giving her directions.

When I bought some fruit trees the nursery owner gave me some insects to help with pollination. 

They were free bees.

What did the prisoner say when he was told by his lawyer that he had gotten a stay of execution?  

"Well, no noose is good noose."

Where do you find giant snails?

On the end of giants' fingers.

Why can’t two doctors be in the same place? 

Because that would be a paradox!

Why does a milking stool have only 3 legs? 

Because the cow has the udder.

Why are ellipses romantic?

Because a kiss is a lip tickle.

A photographer goes to a haunted castle determined to get a picture of a ghost. 

The ghost he encounters turns out to be friendly and poses for a snapshot.

The happy photographer dashes to his studio, develops the film and…learns that the photos are underexposed and completely blank.

You see, the spirit is willing, but the flash is weak.

A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients' bedsides. 

When he finished he said, in farewell, "I hope you get better."

One elderly gentleman replied, "I hope you get better, too."

So there’s this slightly introverted high school student who has never asked a girl to a dance. It’s his senior year and he feels that he should go to prom. He musters up the courage to ask one of his friends. She says yes…… Now he has to prepare for the dance.

The next day, he goes to buy his tickets, and there is a huge line……… So he waits, and waits, and waits, and finally gets the tickets.

The following day, he goes with his date to get a dress. When they get to the store, there is a huge line going out the door…….. So they wait, and wait, and wait. Finally, they get to the front and buy a dress. 

After this, they go to mens outfitters to get him a suit for the dance, and there is a huge line going out the door……. So they wait, and wait, and wait. Finally they get in and buy a nice suit.

The next day, he remembers that he needs to order a corsage. So he goes to the local store and there is a huge line…….. So he waits, and waits, and waits until he gets his order in.

Now it’s the day before prom and he wakes up and realizes that he forgot to order a limo. He calls up the limo rental place. All the lines are busy so he decides to go there. When he gets there, he sees the line stretching out the door and around the corner…….. He waits, and waits, and waits, until finally he is lucky enough to get the very last limo.

Now it’s the night of the dance and when they get to the prom, the school is doing mandatory drug testing, so there is a huge line getting into the prom…….. So they wait, and wait, and wait. Finally, they get to the front and both pass their drug tests.

The dance is going pretty good for about a half an hour, until he really, really has to go to the bathroom. So he takes off to go and sees this huge line going out of the bathroom…….. He waits, and waits, and waits until he finally takes care of his business.

When he comes out of the bathroom, he notices that a crowd has formed around his date. She has just randomly passed out. Someone says to him, “Hey, you’re her date; go get her some punch.” So he goes over to the punch table and………thank goodness…..there is no punch line.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, "Do you have anything for wind?" 

So he gave me a kite. 

Knock, knock

Who's there?

Ima pile-up.

Ima pile-up who?

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself...

What sport do you play with a wombat?

Wom.

I watched a dog get killed by a cantaloupe someone threw out of a window.

So, needless to say, the whole situation was melancholy.

After ten drinks, Elmo was dangerously weaving in the middle of the road. 

He thought it would probably be safer to make the basket at home.

Then there was the one about the scientist who was doing an experiment with liquid chemicals and trying to solve a problem. 

As it turns out, he fell in and became part of the solution.

A guy walks into the psychiatrist’s office wearing only Saran Wrap. 

The shrink says, ”Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

A woman was arrested for shop lifting. 

When she went before the judge he asked her, “What did you steal?” 

She replied, “A can of peaches.” 

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was hungry. 

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied five.

The judge then said, “I will give you 5 days in jail.” 

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. 

The judge said, “What is it?”

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”

Some years ago, there was a man by the name of Leroy Walter Macaulay, or Lee Wally, as he was known by friends and family, that lived in the mountains of North Carolina, in a clearing just outside of Highlands, North Carolina. He lived in that clearing with his wife, Mary Sue, and his son, Cane. Lee Wally made his living making bootleg liquor, more commonly known as moonshine, in the still of the night, while his wife spent most of her time raising Cane.

Now Lee Wally had a habit that drove everyone to distraction. He carried paper and pencil with him at all times, and he used them to draw aimlessly throughout the day. He drew small designs, circles, squares, zigzag lines, etc. He not only drew when he was relaxing, he also scribbled when he was talking with his neighbors and his family. In short, Lee Wally had a compulsion to draw, and he could not stop.

Now Mary Sue had long since come to terms with Lee Wally’s addiction to scribbling, and the neighbors also had learned to ignore it. Cane, on the other hand, was bothered by his father’s compulsion. It nearly drove him crazy. 

He just could not stand to watch his pa, Lee Wally, doodle all the day.

Did you hear they found new evidence of the missing link? 

Hopefully it’s not just another fossil arm.

And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." 

But John came fifth, and won a toaster.

When does a tomato have a smell? 

When it's a Roma!

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? 

"Aye Matey!"

What do you get when you cross a flower with a pickle? 

A daffodill.

How did the ancient Romans communicate with their hogs?

Pig Latin.

What do you call two spiders that just got married? 

Newlywebbed.

How do you stop a werewolf from chasing you?

Throw a stick and say fetch!

What is a vampire's favorite ice cream flavor?  

Veinilla.

What did the guy say when he saw a naked ghost?

No sheet!

What happened when the girl dressed as a spoon left the Halloween party? 

No one moved. They couldn't stir without her.

How can you tell when a vampire has been in a bakery? 

All the goo has been sucked out of the jelly doughnuts.

What happened to the guy who couldn't make his payments to his exorcist?

He was repossessed.

Who is a vampire likely to fall in love with? 

The girl necks door.

"I'm sorry," said the clerk in flower shop, "we don't have potted geraniums. Could you use African violets instead?" 

Replied the customer sadly, "No, it was the geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone."

Recently the first draft of the Book of Genesis was discovered. 

It begins:

"In the beginning the world was without form, and void. 

And God said, 'Let there be light.' 

And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry."

What do you call a pig with three eyes? 

A piiig.

What's red and bad for your teeth? 

A brick.

Why couldn't the flower ride a bike? 

The pedals fell off!

An instructor sat down with a new client at the gym to review her application.

For the question, “To what do you attribute your fitness issues?” the woman had written “Horrendous eating habits.”

“What makes you say that?” the instructor asked.

The woman replied, “I can’t spell atrocious.”

His father sends a small boy to bed. 

Five minutes later....

"Da-ad...."

"What?" 

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?" 

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later....

"Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......

"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

Why couldn't the viper viper nose?

Coz the adder adder 'ankerchief.

A policeman brought four boys before a judge. 

"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.

"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."

"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

A young child walked up to her mother and stared at her hair. As mother scrubbed on the dishes, the girl cleared her throat and sweetly asked, "Why do you have some grey strands in your hair?"

The mother paused and looked at her daughter. "Every time you disobey, I get one strand of grey hair. If you want me to stay pretty, you better obey."

The mother quickly returned to her task of washing dishes. 

The little girl stood there thinking. She cleared her throat again, "Mother?" she sweetly asked.

"Yes?" Her mother replied. 

"Why is Grandma's hair all grey?"

A boy was having a lot of difficulty in French class. 

To encourage him, his teacher said, "You'll know you're really beginning to get it when you start dreaming in French." 

The boy ran into class all excited one day, saying, "Teacher, teacher! I had a dream last night and everyone was talking in French!" 

"Great!" said the teacher, "what were they saying?" 

"I don't know," the boy replied, "I couldn't understand them."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband with a fly swatter.

"Killing any?" she asked.

"Yep, three males, two females," he replied.

"How can you tell males and females apart?" she asked.

He responded, "Three were on a beer can. Two were on the phone."

A friend of mine tried to build a gear-box for his car using nothing but dried grass.

It was never going to work; I think he was clutching at straws.

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

What's green, black, white, black, and green?

A pickle Oreo sandwich!

Did you hear about the raisin who cheated on his wife?

It was in the newspaper, in the current affairs section.

A guy, riding on a train, had to use the restroom. Suddenly he reached up and started pulling on the emergency cord. The train screeched to a halt, throwing everyone out of their seats. Luggage went everywhere. 

The conductor asked the man, "Buddy, why'd you stop the train?"

The guy said, "I have hemorrhoids."

The conductor said, "Heck, a lot of people have hemorrhoids!"

The guy said, "Wrapped around an axle?"

Where did the seaweed find a job?

In the Kelp Wanted section.

Scientists have announced that we have made contact with an alien race whose planet is entirely covered by one gigantic shopping center.

The skeptical scientists didn't believe it at first, but they've now confirmed that it's a mall world after all.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because chickens weren't invented yet.

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, my Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson," said his Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word upon which I am not too clear."

"What word is that?" asked his Lordship.

"Aplomb, my Lord."

"Now, that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, my Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer.

Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, my Lord. It gave the staff and me much pleasure to look after them."

"Well," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs."

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself deeply into his thumb."

"I witnessed the incident, my Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore. Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate, inquired of Will with a loud voice,

'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT is aplomb."

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Two salesmen have been called to a meeting at a company which is looking to buy one of their products. The decision of which product to buy will be based on these presentations, so for both salesmen it's a vitally important day.

In the board room, the company directors have all been gathered, and the first salesman is called into the room.

His presentation uses a flip-chart, with his diagrams all pre-printed on the pages of the chart.

The pages are all organized in the right order, and the presentation goes completely smoothly. The board are impressed, but they still need to see the other presentation.

So the second salesman is called into the board room to face the directors.

He has decided to use an overhead projector for his presentation, with acetate slides, but it's otherwise much the same as the first one. His slides are organized in a folder carefully in the right order, with bookmarks for important slides so he can go back to them if there's any questions.

The presentation starts off well, as he works his way through the slides, but right in the middle, just as he's reaching the most important section, his ultimate nightmare strikes - he drops the folder, and his carefully organized acetates scatter all over the floor.

In a panic, he gathers them together. But it's too late - his presentation is in chaos. Even without the embarrassment, the sheets are now all in the wrong order, some have gotten dirty from the floor, and there's one particular one that he just can't seem to find anywhere.

He finishes his speech, but he knows even before he's finished that he's lost the deal, and so it proves to be. The final announcement is made in favor of the first salesman's product, and so the second salesman has lost the business.

After all, he who acetates is lost.