You should never buy a boat retail. It’s better to buy them hull sail. #lamejoke

Raffle

Police announced that they've put an end to a wide scale body part smuggling ring. There were rumors of a website where smugglers bought tickets raffling off the rights to freshly dead bodies and, after weeks of searching, detectives finally found the proof they needed. When asked for details about how they identified the correct site, detectives said, "It was actually quite easy. The raffle was a dead giveaway." #lamejoke 

Pet

The local pet shop will sell you any pet you want. You name it. #lamejoke

Bunny

What you call a bunny wthat was raised in a hotel? An inn grown hare. #lamejoke

Stairlift

I offered my elderly neighbor $20 to give me a ride on her stairlift. I think she’s gonna take me up on it. #lamejoke

Sweater

I really wanted a new pullover sweater for my birthday, but all I got was a card again. #lamejoke

Saint

The patron of sending people a copy of an email? St. Francis of a cc. #lamejoke

Everest

My Pa said he would accompany me and help with my equipment when I was going to climb Mount Everest. I said, “Are you sure, Pa?” #lamejoke

Boat

My wife told me that I spend so much time reading about naval history and building model ships that I'm starting to resemble a boat. I gave her a stern look. #lamejoke

Rich

A destitute man, desperate for money, shouts out," I would do anything to be a rich man! I am tired of constantly being broke, never knowing where my next meal is coming from!" POOF - the Devil appears and offers him a deal. "Let's play a game," the Devil says, producing a deck of cards. "We will each draw a card, high card wins. For every hand you win, I will give you $1 million dollars, for every hand I win, I get to take one of your body parts." The devil drives a hard bargain, but the man is tired of being poor and he agrees. On the first draw, the man wins, and instantly a briefcase full of cash appears next to him. "Wow!" The man says, "1 million dollars! I have never seen that much money in one place." "Do you want to keep playing?" The devil asks. The man is tempted to stop, but his greed gets the better of him, "Yes, let's keep playing!" The next draw the devil wins and instantly, painlessly, the man's left leg disappears. He is shaken for a moment, but he thinks of all the wheelchairs he could buy for 1 million dollars, "again!" He says. They continue like this for several rounds and the man wins several million dollars, but he has lost both legs and both arms, numb to his precarious position and blinded with greed the man shouts, "Again!" "Are you sure?" The devil asks, looking nervous, “Most people quit before they get this... diminished. How will you even draw a card?" "I'll draw with my mouth!" The man shouts, now do you want to play or not?" The devil shrugs and holds the deck of cards up to the man's mouth, the man takes the top card between his lips and drops it on the floor. His heart sinks as he sees that it is a two. The Devil draws a King and instantly the man's torso disappears and the man's head, still fully sentient, falls to the floor. "Still want to keep playing?" the Devil asks wryly. "No..." The man says with a sigh, "I’d better quit while I'm a head." #lamejoke

Jewelry

She went to a store where they use explosives to create jewelry. As she entered, she heard a loud “BANG”. It made her earring. #lamejoke 

Tobacco

The local tobacco shop closed down and now there’s an apparel store there. Clothes, but no cigar. #lamejoke

Apple

The apple was arrested for in cider trading. #lamejoke

ABBA

Elvis Costello and ABBA are touring together this summer but they figured out who the headliner will be. So watch for ABBA and Costello to find out who’s on first. #lamejoke

Pet

Somebody told me that his pet hippo was trained to use the toilet. I think that’s just a hippo potty myth. #lamejoke

Kiev

People from Kiev must be very tall. U kraine your neck to see them.  #lamejoke

Hymns

A small church was raising funds for a new piano. On Sunday, the pastor said, “Whoever gives the most money today for the offering can pick out three hymns.” So they passed the basket around and the pastor saw a $100 bill in there. He said “Looks like we have a winner! Whoever gave the $100 bill can come to the front and select three hymns.”An 80 year old woman got up, walked to the front, and, pointing her finger at the congregation, said, “I’ll take him, him, and him!“ #lamejoke

Scent

When Kim Kardashian released a new scent, everyone called her an entrepreneur. But when Joey released a scent, all his workmates complained. #lamejoke

Shopping

Joey says that shopping with his girlfriend and her friends can be slow as mall lasses. #lamejoke

Room

Two kings and three queens came into my home, but there was barely enough room for everyone. It was a full house. #lamejoke

Wizard

A guy dressed as a wizard told me he’d slowly turn me into a loaf of bread. I laughed, but now I’m starting to wonder. #lamejoke

Monsters

Are monsters good at math? No, not unless you Count Dracula. #lamejoke 

Film

I got cast in the film about a bakery. It’s not a huge part, just a small roll. #lamejoke

Knighted

"The number after nine must be knighted," said Tim certainly. #lamejoke

Nana

Joey has a bad stutter. When he tried to tell me his Nana died, I started singing the Batman theme with him. #lamejoke

Peas

I opened a bag of frozen peas and few rolled onto the floor. I guess they were escapeas. #lamejoke

Billboard

A billboard in Bangkok claimed that unless I lost weight, all music would end. I wondered, “Is this true thin avert Thai sing?” #lamejoke 

Singer

The singer that can never decide if he is human or bovine? Roy or bison. #lamejoke

Cargo

Cargo space? Car no do that. Car go road. #lamejoke 

Pavlov

Pavlov walked into a hotel and rang the bell to summon the front desk clerk. He then snapped his fingers in frustration and said, “Damn, I forgot to feed the dogs.’ #lamejoke 

Airplane

What you call a paper airplane that doesn’t fly? Stationary. #lamejoke

Wines

Who knows about African wines? A Somali, eh. #lamejoke

Ceiling

I need an Italian to paint my ceiling. I might call Angelo. #lamejoke

Shakespeare

Shakespeare tried to get into acting school, but he was bard. #lamejoke

Snails

I saw two snails fighting. They were really slugging it out. #lamejoke

Saul

My friend, Saul, is a chef whose signature dish combines meat and fruit. It’s called Saul’s berry steak. #lamejoke

Meat

I found a place to buy dog meat. They sell it by the pound. #lamejoke

Railroad

I was gonna post a railroad joke today, but I lost my train of thought. #lamejoke

Elephant

An elephant was drinking out of a river one day, when he spotted a turtle asleep on a log. So, he ambled on over and kicked it clear across the river. “What did you do that for?” asked a passing giraffe. “Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 53 years ago.” “Wow, what a memory,” commented the giraffe. “Yes,” said the elephant, “turtle recall.” #lamejoke

Hippopotamus

The hippopotamus was criticizing his son for the same mistakes he made at that age. It seems to me to be rather hippo critical. #lamejoke

Birthday

A pirate’s favorite thing at a birthday party? Da Balloons. #lamejoke 

Flat

I was changing a flat tire when it fell on my foot. Now I need a tow. #lamejoke

Inventor

A guy I met told me his friend Jack was the inventor of hot tubs. I said, “Jack, who’s he?” #lamejoke

Beethoven

When Beethoven was a kid, everyone told him he could never be a composer. But did he listen?!?! #lamejoke

Birthday

For my birthday, I received a faulty calculator. It didn’t work correctly. Couldn't get the number 8 to appear. I tried four times, too! #lamejoke

Sneeze

Why you shouldn’t sneeze in public? Because people will turn to look achoo. #lamejoke

Camera

The difference between a camera and a sock? One takes photos. The other takes five toes. #lamejoke

Entendre

Never trust a double entendre. It might sneak innuendo. #lamejoke

Knock

"Knock knock." "Who's there?" "To" "To who?" “No, to whom.” #lamejoke

Motown

I can name two or three Motown acts...maybe four, tops. #lamejoke

Pants

The kind of pants a ghost hunter wears? Just a paranormal jeans. #lamejoke

Tavern

The difference between a tavern and an elephant’s fart? One is a barroom and the other is a BARROOM! #lamejoke

Euclid

Although it can't be proven, it's widely accepted that Euclid had a storage space at the top of his house. It’s considered axiom attic. #lamejoke

Alphabet

In history, the third letter of the alphabet did not exist. Long time, no C. #lamejoke

Swimming

What you call a swimming flamingo? Flamboyant, maybe? #lamejoke

Aldi

I went to the Aldi grocery store yesterday to pick up a few items. I noticed they’re now selling a Humpty Dumpty toy. It comes with Aldi king’s horses and Aldi kings men. #lamejoke

Forks

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden. “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers. “That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.” So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. “Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?” Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!” #lamejoke

Attacked

The Frenchman who was attacked by a cat? Claude. #lamejoke

Poltergeists

There's a new book about poltergeists that's becoming very popular. It’s flying off the shelves. #lamejoke

Plans

My plans for today? My wife and I are going to buy some eyeglasses. After that, we’ll see. #lamejoke

Phones

Just when you thought that vegetables don’t have phones, onion rings. #lamejoke

Bad

Not everything in this world is bad. For example, the sun is a high light. #lamejoke

Cruise

Joey hasn’t been allowed back on a cruise ship. Ever since that whole ‘poop deck’ misunderstanding. #lamejoke

Cloning

I invented a diy human cloning machine that runs on a regular 110v outlet. Just make yourself at home. #lamejoke

Guts

It takes guts to be an organ donor. #lamejoke

Play

I really wanted to be in the play about the guy who kills his brother, but I was busy that day and wasn’t able.  #lamejoke

Wife

My wife asked, “ Are you even listening to me?” I thought, “That’s a weird way to start a conversation….” #lamejoke

Job

My boss said, “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.” So I went in as Batman. #lamejoke

Tanks

They say that having fish tanks can help soothe mental and physical pain. It’ prolly because of all the indoor fins. #lamejoke

Tongue

I found a 9 volt battery on the side walk one day. Touched it to my tongue to see if it was still good. It was. I was shocked. #lamejoke

Golf

"Golf is the epitome of precision and control,” he said. “That’s very well putt,” said I. #lamejoke

Beer

Beer can damage your short term memory. But so can beer. #lamejoke

Sting

Did you hear about the world wide sting operation on people who mix drinks? Many of them are behind bars. #lamejoke

Pizza

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I just kneaded the dough. #lamejoke

Cheese

What you call a can of nacho cheese kept in a fallout shelter? Justin queso. #lamejoke

Clips

You’ve seen alligator clips, right? But do you know about froggy clips? That’s when the moon passes between the earth and a frog. #lamejoke

Coffee

Coffee was just voted the best drink in the nation. It was an unfair vote. There were absent tea ballots. #lamejoke

Knock

Dad-Knock knock. Son-Who's there? Dad-Hike. Son- Hike who? 

Unsuspecting son 

Dad waiting with bated breath 

Sets the perfect trap #lamejoke

Sushi

I thought I'd been stung by a wasp while eating sushi. Turned out it wasabi. #lamejoke

Temperature

The internal temperature of a Taun Taun? Luke warm. #lamejoke

Son

My son once asked me, "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds, then said, “And Tigger?” #lamejoke

Lost

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice. #lamejoke

#lamejokes

I studied #lamejokes in college. Majored in sighcology. #lamejoke

Counterfeit

Joey started a counterfeit currency company. It was slow at first, but now he’s making good money. #lamejoke

Kool-Aid

I remember the Kool-Aid man from the 90’s. Played baseball, right? I think he was the pitcher. #lamejoke

Addict

After years of being an addict, Joey checked himself into Waltzers Anonymous. It’s a three step program. #lamejoke

Marathon

Running a Norwegian marathon next week. It goes all the way to the Finnish line. #lamejoke

Tires

What aging tires reminisce about? The good years. #lamejoke

Owls

Peruvian owls always hunt in pairs because they’re Inca hoots. #lamejoke

'33

Someone born in '33 was 45 in '78. That has to be a record. #lamejoke

Democracy

You know a democracy has become impotent when it can no longer maintain an election. #lamejoke

English

Joey struggles with his English. He uses adverbs regularly. But prepositions? Only off and on. #lamejoke

Shriner

What one Shriner said to another Shriner at the convention? I don’t remember your name, but your fez looks familiar. #lamejoke

Painter

Everyone knows about the famous painter, Bob Ross, but few have heard about his brother Albert, who was famous for his six foot wingspan. #lamejoke

Laundry

Joey’s wife challenged him to a game of strip poker, but she just wanted to do laundry. He folded. #lamejoke

Zoom

Joey told a joke during the Zoom meeting yesterday. It wasn’t even remotely funny. #lamejoke

Soup

You’ve heard of alphabet soup, right? Now get ready for Times New Ramen. #lamejoke

Phone

Just when you think that vegetables don’t have a phone, onion rings. #lamejoke

Music

Joey’s dog shows that she likes classical music by Wagner tail. #lamejoke

Cosmetic

Joey’s not saying that cosmetic surgery cured his depression, but it definitely put a smile on his face. #lamejoke

Beatles

It’s a shame that the Beatles didn’t make the underwater vehicle in that song green. That would’ve been sublime. #lamejoke

Grouch

I think I know why Oscar is such a grouch - Irritable Bowel Syndrome. He spends all his time in the can. #lamejoke

Horseradish

Do you like horseradish? Yay or neigh? #lamejoke

Bees

Even though I already had little houses for four bee swarms, when a new swarm of bees arrived, I was very excited. I gave them a hive five. #lamejoke

Bugs

Then there was the one about this guy who rented out a pair of bugs. He was the lessor of two weevils. #lamejoke

Dentist

Be kind to your dentist. They have fillings too. #lamejoke

Dumpling

I went to a dumpling restaurant the other day, but all the lights were really bright so I asked the waiter to dim sum. #lamejoke

Orcas

You know what’s great about orcas? They do a killer whale impersonation. #lamejoke

Door

I ran into the screen door. Fortunately, I wasn’t injured, but I did strain myself. #lamejoke

Cher

They tried to knight Cher. It didn’t go well. She melted down. Turns out it was a bad idea to try to make Cher noble. #lamejoke

Rolls

I love synonym rolls. Just like grammar used to make. #lamejoke

Rooster

A local farmer replaced his rooster with a duck. Now he gets up at the quack of dawn. #lamejoke

Island

Did you know that despite the name, there are no canaries on Canary Island? It's the same with the Virgin Islands. No canaries there either. #lamejoke

Engaged

Joey has been engaged over five times but never married. That’s a lot of near Mrs. #lamejoke

Hinges

If anyone knows how to repair broken hinges, my door is always open. #lamejoke

Origami

Joey made it to the Origami Nationals. He folded under pressure. #lamejoke

Stain

I once saw a 3,000 year old oil stain. Prolly came from ancient Greece. #lamejoke

Doctor

A woman went to the doctor’s office and was seen by one of the new young doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she started screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he told her to sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded: “What’s the matter with you? Mrs. Thomas is 67 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?” The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up, said: “Does she still have the hiccups?” #lamejoke

Fence

How big is the average fence? Around a yard. #lamejoke

Fighting

I just read a very long article on Japanese Sword Fighting. Allow me to Samurais it for you. #lamejoke

Hook

Captain Hook is in trouble. Someone please give him a hand. #lamejoke

Lassos

I didn’t choose this job assembling lassos for local cowboys. I got roped into it. #lamejoke

Scrabble

After finally winning a round of Scrabble, I stood on the game board while reciting Shakespeare. My wife asked, “Is this another one your stupid jokes?” I’m like, “No babe… it’s a play on words.” #lamejoke

Coal

Did you hear the one about the guy who hated coal? Never mined. #lamejoke

Teslas

The reason Teslas are so expensive is because they charge a lot. #lamejoke

Arabic

I thought I heard someone say hello to me in Arabic. Turns out it was a false Salaam. #lamejoke

Lettuce

The government just shut down a farm after receiving a tip that they were splicing human and lettuce DNA. Once on the scene, they found human romaines. #lamejoke

Guitar

If you want to know how to sound good when playing a guitar, stay tuned.... #lamejoke

Crackers

I returned my box of Animal Crackers. The seal was broken. #lamejoke

Brother

Asked my wife if she knew that Bruce Lee had a brother who didn’t tolerate joking around. She rolled her eyes and said, “Seriously?” I’m like, “Oh… you’ve heard of him!” #lamejoke

Salons

Nail salons are making a fortune these days. There’s a lot of money changing hands. #lamejoke

Meat

I know a place where you can buy dog meat cheap! It’s sold by the pound. #lamejoke

Soup

When I eat alphabet soup, I only eat the vowels. Why? Sometimes. #lamejoke

Confusing

The United States can be confusing. It just doesn’t make cents anymore. #lamejoke

King

Why Istanbul doesn’t have a king? Because they can’t stand a noble. #lamejoke

Pigs

So, this teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. When she came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home, she read, "And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"The teacher paused, then asked the class: "And what do you think the man said?" One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly, "I think the man would have said, ‘Well, dang, a talking pig!’” #lamejoke

Bullets

Then there was the one about the girl who ate bullets. Her hair grew out in bangs. #lamejoke

Dent

Joey hit a bird with his car. It left a small dent. Looks like mynah damage to me. #lamejoke

Chess

I lost one of my chess pieces, so I went to the pawnshop to buy another. #lamejoke

Corn

What happens if you don't chew your corn while eating? You get poopcorn. #lamejoke

Salmon

Can a salmon box? No, but a tuna can. #lamejoke

Crow

Don't panic if your pet crow doesn't wake you up in the morning. There’s no caws for alarm. #lamejoke

Lakes

No one ever steals lakes in Scotland. They’re kept under loch and quay. #lamejoke

Painters

Did you know that when painters get cold, they put on an extra coat? #lamejoke

Jokes

Telling dad jokes isn’t my main job. It’s a sigh gig. #lamejoke

Hair

Joey spent over $5000 on a hair system which is a lot toupee. #lamejoke

Hazelnut

Why is one of the tellers at the bank called "hazelnut"? Because he's a Nutella! #lamejoke

Dog

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought ,"Dogs are easily amused." Then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail. #lamejoke

Loudest

The member of the balloon family that's the loudest? Papa Balloon. #lamejoke

Helsinki

Joey went on a trip to Helsinki and was never heard of again. He just disappeared into Finnair. #lamejoke

Difference

The difference between a camera and a foot? One has photos, the other has five toes. #lamejoke

Anesthetic

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that there’s safety in large numb bears. #lamejoke

Sandpaper

I’m reading this book about sandpaper. Turns out it’s a work of friction. #lamejoke

Diarrhea

Getting over diarrhea may not be the greatest feeling ever, but it’s a solid number two. #lamejoke

Preacher

A small-town preacher was proud of his ability to improvise a sermon on any topic, even if he knew nothing about it. He never prepared, just improvised on whatever came to his mind Sunday morning. One Sunday morning he woke up and told his wife, "I'm going to base my sermon today on horseback ridin’.

"But you don't know anything about horseback riding!" she said. "I don't want to watch you embarrass yourself, I'm staying home."

“All right," he said, and drove off to church.

On the way there, he began to have second thoughts. He really didn't know anything about horseback riding and finally decided to preach a sermon on love and intimacy in marriage.

It went very well - so well that when one of his congregants saw his wife at the grocery store the next day, she said, “You missed a great sermon yesterday – your husband was on fire! That was the best sermon I've ever heard!"

His wife said, "Really? He literally knows nothing about it. In all his life he's done it just twice - once before we were married, once after - and both times he fell right off." #lamejoke

Undertaker

Joey’s wife is an undertaker. They have two vehicles… his and hearse. #lamejoke

Resolution

My New Year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating. I decided it was time to lose wait. #lamejoke

Pants

How did King Arthur get his shiny metal knit pants? He bought them via mail order. #lamejoke

Doctor

Joey went to the doctor and told him that he kept thinking he was Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck. The doctor asked him how long he’d been having these Disney spells. #lamejoke

Shirley

Siri just told me that I shouldn't call her Shirley. I think I had my phone in airplane mode. #lamejoke

Addiction

Waterpark addiction is no joke. It’s a very slippery slope. #lamejoke

Hamill

Joey drew Mark Hamill on his wife's forehead. You should have seen the Luke on her face. #lamejoke

Diagnosis

How a gastroenterologist arrives at a diagnosis of Irritable Bowel Syndrome? Prolly by the process of elimination. #lamejoke