Alphabet

In history, the third letter of the alphabet did not exist. Long time, no C. #lamejoke

Swimming

What you call a swimming flamingo? Flamboyant, maybe? #lamejoke

Aldi

I went to the Aldi grocery store yesterday to pick up a few items. I noticed they’re now selling a Humpty Dumpty toy. It comes with Aldi king’s horses and Aldi kings men. #lamejoke

Forks

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across. When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden. “Something I have for this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole. Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers. “That’s ok Master." Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.” So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board. He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror. “Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?” Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!” #lamejoke

Attacked

The Frenchman who was attacked by a cat? Claude. #lamejoke

Poltergeists

There's a new book about poltergeists that's becoming very popular. It’s flying off the shelves. #lamejoke

Plans

My plans for today? My wife and I are going to buy some eyeglasses. After that, we’ll see. #lamejoke

Phones

Just when you thought that vegetables don’t have phones, onion rings. #lamejoke

Bad

Not everything in this world is bad. For example, the sun is a high light. #lamejoke

Cruise

Joey hasn’t been allowed back on a cruise ship. Ever since that whole ‘poop deck’ misunderstanding. #lamejoke

Cloning

I invented a diy human cloning machine that runs on a regular 110v outlet. Just make yourself at home. #lamejoke

Guts

It takes guts to be an organ donor. #lamejoke

Play

I really wanted to be in the play about the guy who kills his brother, but I was busy that day and wasn’t able.  #lamejoke

Wife

My wife asked, “ Are you even listening to me?” I thought, “That’s a weird way to start a conversation….” #lamejoke

Job

My boss said, “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.” So I went in as Batman. #lamejoke

Tanks

They say that having fish tanks can help soothe mental and physical pain. It’ prolly because of all the indoor fins. #lamejoke

Tongue

I found a 9 volt battery on the side walk one day. Touched it to my tongue to see if it was still good. It was. I was shocked. #lamejoke

Golf

"Golf is the epitome of precision and control,” he said. “That’s very well putt,” said I. #lamejoke

Beer

Beer can damage your short term memory. But so can beer. #lamejoke

Sting

Did you hear about the world wide sting operation on people who mix drinks? Many of them are behind bars. #lamejoke

Pizza

I once worked at a cheap pizza shop to get by. I just kneaded the dough. #lamejoke

Cheese

What you call a can of nacho cheese kept in a fallout shelter? Justin queso. #lamejoke

Clips

You’ve seen alligator clips, right? But do you know about froggy clips? That’s when the moon passes between the earth and a frog. #lamejoke

Coffee

Coffee was just voted the best drink in the nation. It was an unfair vote. There were absent tea ballots. #lamejoke

Knock

Dad-Knock knock. Son-Who's there? Dad-Hike. Son- Hike who? 

Unsuspecting son 

Dad waiting with bated breath 

Sets the perfect trap #lamejoke

Sushi

I thought I'd been stung by a wasp while eating sushi. Turned out it wasabi. #lamejoke

Temperature

The internal temperature of a Taun Taun? Luke warm. #lamejoke

Son

My son once asked me, "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation. He looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds, then said, “And Tigger?” #lamejoke

Lost

As I get older, I remember all of the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t the right choice. #lamejoke