Alexander

Everyone's heard of Alexander the Great of Macedonia. Well, before he became great, he was known as Alexander the Mediocre because he was always late to battles. One day, during a retreat from battle, one of his generals told him about a special plant, that only grew in the area they were traversing, from which a fantastic potion could be brewed. The fantastic part was, at the top of every hour it would change color while during the hour the color would get lighter and lighter every five minutes. Alexander the Mediocre demanded that a specimen of this plant be brought to him and prove its special characteristic. The general sent out his captains to find this plant. When they brought it to Alexander, he ordered the potion be rendered. Sure enough, when the liquid was ready, it glowed a bright red. An hour later, it had passed through twelve shades of red, but right at the top of the hour, it suddenly changed to a bright blue. Then an hour later a bright green. Alexander the Mediocre was enthralled. He knew if he could carry a flask of this potion with him he would always know what time it was. But a problem soon arose when, one day, as he pulled his flask out, the string holding it snapped and the flask fell and broke. He had more of the potion produced and thought it would work if applied to clothing. He dabbed some on his tunic and, true to form, it glowed with the appropriate color for the time of day. But his sweat washed it all away. Looking for something else he thought to soak a cloth and wrap it around his wrist on top of a piece of leather to protect it from his sweat. But looking around his tent, he couldn't find a suitable piece of cloth except a scrap from an old uniform. He soaked the scrap of cloth in the potion, let it dry, and wrapped it around his wrist. It worked! Alexander the Mediocre no longer was late to battles, he could plan down to five minute increments, and in doing so he was able to drop the Mediocre moniker. He became Alexander the Great! And his device that helped him achieve this became known as Alexander's Rag Timeband. #lamejoke

Letter

How a handwritten letter is like a lazy dog? A handwritten letter is an ink lined plane. An inclined plane is a slope up. A slow pup is a lazy dog. #lamejoke 

Mailman

A mailman walks into a bar. He says, “I feel terrible. I’m hungover and I need a drink.” The bartender says, “Hair of the dog that bit you?” #lamejoke

Fish

I caught a fish. I had some trouble identifying it, so I asked it, “Are you a mackerel?” It said, “Nah.”  So I said, “Are you a salmon?” It said, “Nah.” Then I figured it out! It must be a 2-nah fish. #lamejoke

Powers

A group of superheroes are discussing their powers. Superman: I have super strength. Flash: I have super speed. Aquaman: I control all sea animals. Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left. #lamejoke

Drowning

Yesterday, I saved a man drowning in the river. I tossed him a bar of soap and he washed ashore. #lamejoke 

Commute

I had the most surreal commute of my life yesterday. I was driving behind a speeding ambulance when I noticed a small stainless-steel cooler precariously balanced on the back step. The driver took a sharp corner at an intersection, and sure enough, the container bounced off the bumper and tumbled into the roadside grass. Doing my civic duty, I pulled over immediately and went over to inspect it. I unlatched the lid, and to my absolute horror, nestled inside a bed of crushed ice was an amputated human toe. Realizing someone was probably having a terrible morning at the ER waiting for this, I glanced at the highway signs. The ambulance was heading toward regional clinics, so I quickly looked up the emergency dispatch line for the nearest hospital and called them. Dispatch here, what is your emergency?" the receptionist answered. "Hi, this is going to sound crazy, but I was trailing one of your ambulances and a metal container fell off the back bumper into the grass. I opened it, and there's a toe in ice here." The woman gasped, "Oh heavens! The paramedics just pulled into the bay five minutes ago in a panic because the cooler was missing!" I gave her my exact cross streets and asked, "Are you dispatching another ambulance with sirens to come rush it to surgery?" She paused and answered: "No need for that... we'll just send a toe truck." #lamejoke

Parking

Tried to park my car up in a residential area. One of the people that lived there shouted over to me, “You can’t park here unless you have a felt frog on your dashboard.” Apparently, I needed a parking kermit. #lamejoke

Banjo

What you call a woman on the arm of a banjo player?  A tattoo. #lamejoke

Wilde

Oscar Wilde once bragged that he could come up with a pun for any subject. One of his friends, thinking Wilde wouldn't risk offending royalty, shouted, "Really? What about the Queen?” Wilde replied, "The Queen is not a subject!"  #lamejoke

Rash

Found out that our car has a rash. The mechanic told me it was an autoimmune disorder.  #lamejoke 

Flasher

Our local flasher, Pervy Pete, was considering retiring after 40 years, but he decided to stick it out for another six months.  #lamejoke

Cat

Our cat loves stormy weather. When it rains, it purrs.  #lamejoke

Rope

A friend asked me if I can tie a piece of rope. I said that I can knot.  #lamejoke

Salmon

My buddy was telling me about his new hobby of photographing salmon in different outfits.  He said that it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.  #lamejoke