Sandpaper

I'm reading a book about sandpaper. It’s a work of friction. #lamejoke

Uniform

When I saw a police officer wearing a pilots uniform, I thought it was a bit odd. Then I realized he was one of those plane clothes cops. #lamejoke

Hospital

The coolest guy in the hospital is the hip replacement doctor. #lamejoke

Houseboat

My best friend once lived in a houseboat moored next to my houseboat. Eventually we drifted apart. #lamejoke

Torture

On my lunch-break I strolled over to the London Dungeon's new torture rack exhibit. Just to stretch my legs. #lamejoke

Song

I have a song in my show about the combination for my safe. It’s the opening number. #lamejoke

You should never buy a boat retail. It’s better to buy them hull sail. #lamejoke

Raffle

Police announced that they've put an end to a wide scale body part smuggling ring. There were rumors of a website where smugglers bought tickets raffling off the rights to freshly dead bodies and, after weeks of searching, detectives finally found the proof they needed. When asked for details about how they identified the correct site, detectives said, "It was actually quite easy. The raffle was a dead giveaway." #lamejoke 

Pet

The local pet shop will sell you any pet you want. You name it. #lamejoke

Bunny

What you call a bunny wthat was raised in a hotel? An inn grown hare. #lamejoke

Stairlift

I offered my elderly neighbor $20 to give me a ride on her stairlift. I think she’s gonna take me up on it. #lamejoke

Sweater

I really wanted a new pullover sweater for my birthday, but all I got was a card again. #lamejoke

Saint

The patron of sending people a copy of an email? St. Francis of a cc. #lamejoke

Everest

My Pa said he would accompany me and help with my equipment when I was going to climb Mount Everest. I said, “Are you sure, Pa?” #lamejoke

Boat

My wife told me that I spend so much time reading about naval history and building model ships that I'm starting to resemble a boat. I gave her a stern look. #lamejoke