Dracula

Just as Count Dracula was about to pounce on van Helsing, the door to the library was flung open and a host of furious villagers stormed in, waving blazing torches and shouting dire threats. The Count turned to leap on them, then reeled back, repelled at the reek of garlic that wafted from them. "Count Dracula!" cried the burgomaster, a solid citizen of some fifty years, but looking older, as though wracked by years of grief. “For your many crimes against the people, we have come to bring you judgment!" The dread vampire lord gave a low, mocking laugh. "Buffoon!" he snorted, "there is nothing you can or dare do to me!" "You are wrong," declared the burgomaster. "We have prepared well -- aided by the wise advice of our honored visitor -- and it is you who will find there is nothing you can do. We have garlic, mirrors, the Holy Crucifix, the Host, the holy water and a specially large axe prepared for you. Seize him!" At once the Count was seized by the brawny arms of half a dozen of the townsfolk, while the crowd parted to reveal a particularly burly man, head shrouded in a hood of black velvet and who was holding a massive headsman's axe firmly in his two knotted hands. Screaming in rage, the Count was swiftly pinioned with his head on the block as the burgomaster leaned forward, his face creased in pain and fury. "Your time is come, monster! Only one thing can save you now - the location of all the treasure you have plundered from our town over the centuries!" Despite the danger of his perilous position Dracula laughed "So we come to the true purpose of this charade -- pure naked greed. You will get no treasure from me!" "Then your head shall be cut offon the count of three," answered the the burgomaster. "Headsman, raise your axe, and prepare to strike." "You are bluffing!" sneered the Count. "The treasure is where you will never find it!" "One" "Cut my head off and the treasure is lost for ever!" "Two" "I defy you, burgomaster! I defy you!" "Three!" "Wait! It is in the --" Even as the vampire's nerve broke, the heavy axe was swinging down and could not be halted, and with one clean strike the headsman took off Count Dracula's head. There was a gasp from the crowd at the realization that in another second they would have known where the treasure was, but the burgomaster drew himself up. "Have no fear," he said, "we have ample leisure to search, and we are sure to find the treasure with care and patience." He could not, however, suppress a slight flicker of apprehension at the thought that the Count might have told the truth. And so it proved when a month later he was forced to admit it after they had turned over every stone in Castle Dracula, with never a sign of the treasure. Van Helsing nodded philosophically. “I feared it would be so," he said. "You see, you should never hatchet your Count before he chickens." #lamejoke

Magician

A well known magician visited our town and made the exhibition center disappear… now museum, now you don’t. #lamejoke

Pisa

The tower in Pisa was fine until the bank put a lien on it. #lamejoke 

Pickle

The world’s largest pickle is going to be displayed at the annual carnival this year.  Many residents don’t understand what all the hype is about, while others say it’s a big dill. #lamejoke

Propeller

Did you hear the one about the woman at the airport who backed into a spinning propeller? Disaster. #lamejoke

Mashed

We’ve been calling them mashed potatoes this whole time when we could have been calling them patétoes. #lamejoke

Soup

A local restaurant made a soup stock out of nitrogen and oxygen. Critics are calling it a broth of fresh air. #lamejoke

Twins

When Joey’s twins were being delivered, his daughter was born at five to midnight, but his son didn’t follow right away. The doctor said, “Don’t worry. The son will come out, tomorrow.” #lamejoke

Baby

The baby habanero put on a jacket because he was a little chili. #lamejoke

Ghost

The type of pants a ghost hunter wears? Just a paranormal jeans. #lamejoke

Drinking

Joey started to write a drinking song, but he got confused after the first few bars. #lamejoke

Cabbage

I had a dream I was attacked in my kitchen by a giant head of cabbage. I grabbed a knife and stabbed, hacked, and slashed at it, but it still kept coming! I threw a jar of mayonnaise at it, to no avail. I even hurled a bag of carrots but nothing would stop it. I fought the slaw and the slaw won. #lamejoke

Seed

The price of bird seed is up, but it’s still cheap. #lamejoke

forecasting

I won the gold medal at a weather forecasting event yesterday, Beat the raining champion. #lamejoke

Mystic

What all mystic bakers search for? The philosopher’s scone. #lamejoke