Commute

I had the most surreal commute of my life yesterday. I was driving behind a speeding ambulance when I noticed a small stainless-steel cooler precariously balanced on the back step. The driver took a sharp corner at an intersection, and sure enough, the container bounced off the bumper and tumbled into the roadside grass. Doing my civic duty, I pulled over immediately and went over to inspect it. I unlatched the lid, and to my absolute horror, nestled inside a bed of crushed ice was an amputated human toe. Realizing someone was probably having a terrible morning at the ER waiting for this, I glanced at the highway signs. The ambulance was heading toward regional clinics, so I quickly looked up the emergency dispatch line for the nearest hospital and called them. Dispatch here, what is your emergency?" the receptionist answered. "Hi, this is going to sound crazy, but I was trailing one of your ambulances and a metal container fell off the back bumper into the grass. I opened it, and there's a toe in ice here." The woman gasped, "Oh heavens! The paramedics just pulled into the bay five minutes ago in a panic because the cooler was missing!" I gave her my exact cross streets and asked, "Are you dispatching another ambulance with sirens to come rush it to surgery?" She paused and answered: "No need for that... we'll just send a toe truck." #lamejoke

Parking

Tried to park my car up in a residential area. One of the people that lived there shouted over to me, “You can’t park here unless you have a felt frog on your dashboard.” Apparently, I needed a parking kermit. #lamejoke

Banjo

What you call a woman on the arm of a banjo player?  A tattoo. #lamejoke

Wilde

Oscar Wilde once bragged that he could come up with a pun for any subject. One of his friends, thinking Wilde wouldn't risk offending royalty, shouted, "Really? What about the Queen?” Wilde replied, "The Queen is not a subject!"  #lamejoke

Rash

Found out that our car has a rash. The mechanic told me it was an autoimmune disorder.  #lamejoke 

Flasher

Our local flasher, Pervy Pete, was considering retiring after 40 years, but he decided to stick it out for another six months.  #lamejoke

Cat

Our cat loves stormy weather. When it rains, it purrs.  #lamejoke

Rope

A friend asked me if I can tie a piece of rope. I said that I can knot.  #lamejoke

Salmon

My buddy was telling me about his new hobby of photographing salmon in different outfits.  He said that it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.  #lamejoke 

Locksmith

I’ve written a song about a locksmith. There’s a lovely key change at the end.  #lamejoke

Dogs

Thousands of years ago, some stray dogs wandered into the Australian outback looking for food. It dingo so well.  #lamejoke

Möbius

Joey makes Möbius strips for living. It’s a strange way to make ends meet. #lamejoke

Roux

Back when I cooked more often, I never really understood roux. Ahhh, the pot thickens…. #lamejoke

Food

The food that weighs less than two tons? Wonton. #lamejoke

Abacus

I got an imaginary abacus for my birthday. I guess it's the thought that counts. #lamejoke