Party

I recently went to a costume party dressed as a car key. They threw me out because I looked like I might start something. #lamejoke

Reports

There have been reports of heavy shelling at the peanut butter factory. #lamejoke

Batteries

A man walks into a shop and asks the shopkeeper, “Do you have any of those round batteries?” The shopkeeper responds, “Is it for a clock?” “I don’t know,” says the man. “That’s why I need the batteries!” #lamejoke

Locksmith

For Halloween this year, Betsy wants me to dress up like a locksmith. I think it would look doorkey. #lamejoke

Tattooed

My friend tattooed his favorite Star Wars character on his cheek. You should have seen the Luke on his face. #lamejoke

Scrabble

Joey’s sister met her husband at a Scrabble tournament twenty years ago. Next week they’re gonna renew their vowels. #lamejoke 

Potatoes

We used to have couch potatoes, now we have youtubers. #lamejoke

Manuals

I wonder if gun manuals have a trouble shooting section. #lamejoke

Bandit

Underwear bandit admits brief crime spree. #lamejoke

Golf

This guy was running late after playing a round of golf, so he left his clubs with his friend, stuffed a bunch of the balls in his pants pockets and got on a bus...

He sat down next to a beautiful blonde and she kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many puzzled glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?" #lamejoke

Banana

Why the banana went out with the prune? Couldn’t get a date. #lamejoke

Belt

Just spent $100 on a belt that doesn't fit. Huge waist. #lamejoke

Maine

Does anyone else have trouble remembering the abbreviation for Maine, or is it just me? #lamejoke

Asleep

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am. The wife shakes the husband and says,"Honey, there's someone at the door." The husband, irritated, gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man. "Can I help you?" "Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man. "Hell no, and besides you are drunk," and slams the door shut. As he gets back into bed, his wife begins to lecture him."Don't you remember when we were stranded on the side of the road and people stopped to help us? You should go  outside and help the poor man." Realizing this, the husband gets dressed and heads to the door. Opening it, he realizes the man has left and yells out, "Do you still need a push?" In the distance he hears a reply, "Yes, please." "Where are you?" "Over here, on the swings." #lamejoke

Laxative

I tried a laxative advertised to improve my baseball performance. It didn’t give me the hits I expected, but it did give me the runs. #lamejoke