Hangover

Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table, "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door." Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!" #lamejoke

Scarf

Don’t sit on a scarf – you’ll get your ascot. #lamejoke 

Sugar

Fun fact: “Sugar” is the only word in the English language where “su-“ makes a ‘sh’ sound. At least, I’m pretty sure that’s correct. #lamejoke

Vineyard

I take my cow for walks in the local vineyard. I herd it through the grapevines. #lamejoke

Coffee

According to the French press, coffee was voted the #1 drink, but there were some absent tea ballots. #lamejoke

Truck

I’ve finished converting my truck from gas to electric. I swapped out the diesel engine for the motor from a tumble dryer. It wouldn’t start at first, but then I realized that I hadn’t shut the door properly. After I did that, I took it for a spin. #lamejoke

Tea

People who make weak tea need to be served a restraining order. #lamejoke

Dogs

My wife hired a pack of dogs to do some tree trimming in our yard. But I don’t recommend it. It was pretty ruff. They left bark all over the place. #lamejoke

Party

I recently went to a costume party dressed as a car key. They threw me out because I looked like I might start something. #lamejoke

Reports

There have been reports of heavy shelling at the peanut butter factory. #lamejoke

Batteries

A man walks into a shop and asks the shopkeeper, “Do you have any of those round batteries?” The shopkeeper responds, “Is it for a clock?” “I don’t know,” says the man. “That’s why I need the batteries!” #lamejoke

Locksmith

For Halloween this year, Betsy wants me to dress up like a locksmith. I think it would look doorkey. #lamejoke

Tattooed

My friend tattooed his favorite Star Wars character on his cheek. You should have seen the Luke on his face. #lamejoke

Scrabble

Joey’s sister met her husband at a Scrabble tournament twenty years ago. Next week they’re gonna renew their vowels. #lamejoke 

Potatoes

We used to have couch potatoes, now we have youtubers. #lamejoke