How does a spoiled rich girl change a light bulb?

She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment."

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexics Association.

What did the hammer say after getting an "A" on the test?

I nailed it.

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans. Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?" 

"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue." 

He is almost over the cold he caught sleeping in the garage for 3 nights.

Where do peas have their sight tested? 

In an iPod.

How do farmers make crop circles?

With a protractor.

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.

Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says,

"Well, that's great....that's just great.... Some asshole's got my pen!"

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard, and asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer.

Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. 

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement. 

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs."

A guy raises his glass and toasts his girlfriend. "May you be in Heaven a half-hour before the devil knows you're dead!" 

"What's that mean?" 

"That is an authentic Irish toast." 

"Oh. In that case, here's to bread, eggs, and cinnamon." 

"Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What's that?" 

"That's French toast."

Here's a good exercise for people over 60.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a  5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. 

After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.  Then try 50-lb potato bags and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.  (I'm at this level.)
 
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned”; then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. 

"Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?" 

"Certainly," replied the applicant. 

"It means I don't get the job."

A little girl asked her mother for a dollar to give to an old lady in the park. Her mother was touched by the child's kindness, and gave her the dollar. 

"There you are, my dear," said the mother. "But, tell me, isn't the lady able to work any more?" 

"Oh yes," came the reply. "She sells candy."

The barn at Larry and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company. 

Susan said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there just a minute, Susan, it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." 

Susan responded after a pause, "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

A little three-year-old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. 

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. 

His mother says, "Billy, are you all right? You've been in there for a while." 

Billy says, "I'm fine, Mommy. I just haven't gone yet." 

Mother says, "Okay, you can stay in there a few more minutes, but Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?" 

Billy says, "Works for ketchup!"