Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.

"That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" 

"Easy," replies the man. "These are my khakis".

A workman was killed at a construction site. 

 

The police began questioning a number of the other workers. Based on past brushes with the law, many of these workers were considered prime suspects.

They were a motley crew...

The electrician was suspected of wiretapping once but was never charged. 

The carpenter thought he was a stud. He tried to frame another man one time.

The glazier went to great panes to conceal his past. He still claims that he didn't do anything; that he was framed. 

The painter had a brush with the law several years ago. 

The heating, ventilation and air conditioning contractor was known to pack heat. He was arrested once but duct the charges. 

The mason was suspect because he gets stoned regularly. 

The cabinet maker is an accomplished counter fitter. 

The autopsy led the police to arrest the carpenter, who subsequently confessed.

The evidence against him was irrefutable, because it was found that the workman, when he died, was hammered.

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe....

He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. 

After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, "If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?" 

 

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner says, "Nah, you go ahead." 

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl. 

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too."

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. 

His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say 1-2-3. When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. 

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 'for' ?

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

A woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

 

She rattles off, "Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were blood-shot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's wrong with me, Doctor?" 

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says, "Well, I can tell you one thing . . . there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight."

The General went out to find that none of his GIs were there. 

 

One finally ran up, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." 

The General was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more GIs came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here." 

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too. 

A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..." 

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down." 

"No," said the GI, "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa.

 

Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well traveled trail through the jungle. 

All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory. 

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory. 

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night. 

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot. 

When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, "African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions."

Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game. 

The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor. 

They were the first roller coasters.

Back in those days, the disks were made of iron, and they would bet on whose disk would roll the farthest.

They called them ferrous wheels.

A carrot crosses the road and is hit by a car.

 

He is rushed to the hospital, where he goes through hours of surgery.

After surgery the doctor comes into the carrot's room and says, "Well, I've got good news and bad news."

The carrot says, "Give me the good news first, doc."

The doctor says, "The good news is you?re gonna live."

"And the bad news?" asks the carrot.

"The bad news is your gonna be a vegetable for the rest of your life."

The bank robber looked so peaceful and innocent lying there under his big fluffy blanket. 

Just goes to show that you can't judge a crook by his cover.

Why did Beethoven get rid of all of his chickens?

Because they kept saying, "Bach, Bach, Bach, Bach!"

What kind of teeth can you buy for a dollar?

Buck teeth.

Did you hear they found new evidence of the missing link? 

Hopefully it’s not just another fossil arm.

Why are so many billiard players deaf?

They clean their ears with cue tips.