How do you make a slow worker fast? 

Don't give him anything to eat for a while.

What did Kermit the Frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral? 

Nothing :(

Joey was working hard sawing wood. It was hot, his hands were slippery with sweat, and the saw slipped from his fingers and cut off all of his toes.

No ambulances were available so he called a toe truck, but they got there too late. His toes could no longer be reattached.

He couldn’t walk right, so he could not work. He got workman's comp but it wasn't enough. Worst of all, his wife was lack toes intolerant. She filed for separation.

He looked online for solutions to his problems and found a post telling him where he might find an answer. It said, "Go to the forest late at night and wait in the glade. There you will find the Great Toed. He is wise in these matters."

Having nothing to lose, he followed the instructions and reached the glade. There was a line drawn that said, "Wait here." 

And wait he did for over an hour.

Just as he was about to leave, a many toed toad toed the other side of the line with a bag in tow. "Ask your question," it said in a raspy voice.

So Jim related his tale of toe woes.

After listening, the many toed toad replied, "Have you tried the supermarket?"

Joey wondered how a supermarket would help but decided to give it a try. He went the next morning and walked down aisle after aisle and then he found it.

The supermarket was giving away free toes. Elated, he grabbed as many bags of them as he could and checked each one. He found enough that fit, but needed to attach them.

He went back to the glade for help getting the new toes attached, and the toad was happy to help. He helped attach the new toes and Joey ran off (little did Joey know that the toad croaked soon after).

He was able to walk normally again, his wife came back, he got his job back, and everyone lived happily ever after.

The punch line?

It's over there on the table.

What do you call an artistic piece of furniture? 

A drawer.

How do electric cars get into battle? 

They charge.

A man is washing his car with his son.

The son asks, "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"

What noise does a subatomic duck make? 

Quark, quark.

What do you call a southern lumberjack? 

A tree feller.

What is Australian dynamite's favorite pie? 

Boom meringue.

How often does Superman save the planet? 

Daily.

What did the sheep say when he broke up with his girlfriend? 

It's not ewe, it's me.

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. 

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men. “Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?”

And thus began Frank's life of celibacy.

How much does a bottled soft drink cost? 

About a dollar a pop, soda speak.

What do you do with a wardrobe door that is slightly ajar? 

You clothes it.

Why did the geologist go home early from work? 

Because he felsic.

What do you call a dirty window on the back side of a house? 

A pane in the rear to clean.

What did the cell say to his sister cell when she stepped on his toe? 

That's mitosis.

What is the world's biggest winged insect? 

The Behemoth.

What did the frat guy say when the other frat guy asked if he wanted a pamphlet? 

Brochure.

What do you call the Arnold Schwarzenegger action figure? 

The Toyminator.

What did the banana car do when the traffic signal turned green?

It peeled out.

What did one sponge say to the other sponge? 

Nothing. They were two aloofa.

Once upon a time, a young lad was born without a belly button.

In its place, was a silver screw.

All the doctors told his mother that there was nothing they could do.

Like it or not, he was stuck with it..... he was screwed.

All the years of growing up was real tough on him, as all who saw the screw made fun of him.

He avoided ever leaving his house.... and thus, never made any friends.

One day, a mysterious stranger saw his belly and told him of a swami in Tibet who could get rid of the screw for him.

He was thrilled.

The next day, he took all of his life's savings and bought a ticket to Nepal.

After several days of climbing up steep cliffs, he came upon a giant monastery.

The swami knew exactly why he had come.

The screwy guy was told to sleep in the highest tower of the monastery....and the following day when he awoke, the screw would have been removed.

The man immediately went to the room and fell asleep.

During the night while he slept, a purple fog floated in an open window, bearing in its mist, a solid silver screwdriver.

In just moments, the screwdriver removed the screw and disappeared out the window.

The next morning when the man awoke, he saw the silver screw laying on the pillow next to him.

Reaching down, he felt his navel, and there was no screw there!

Jubilant, he leaped out of bed...... and his butt fell off.

The moral to this story is: "Don't screw around with things you don't understand........you could lose your ass."

What do you call an evil man with two belly buttons? 

Di-umbilical.

How does Davy Crockett like his pie? 

Alamoed.

Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant? 

Because he had a very large bill.

What do New Englanders call a crate full of dentures? 

A mass of chew sets.

It's a little known fact that Aaron Burr had a brother who was a lumberjack. 

His name was Tim.

What do you call an Egyptian back doctor?

A Cairopractor.