How do bees get to school?
 
They take the school buzz.

Two mosquitoes sat on Robinson Crusoe's back.

One said to the other, "I have to go now. But let's meet again on Friday!"

What is it called when Batman leaves church early?

Christian Bale.

Anteater walks into a bar. Bartender says "What can I get ya, fella? You look like a whiskey guy." 

Anteater says, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOooo."

Bartender says, "Hmmm. Well how about tequila?" 

Anteater says, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOooo."

Bartender says, "Well, then can I get you a beer?" 

Anteater says, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooOOOooooooooOOOOOOOOooo."

Bartender says, "Why the long nose?"

What did the Pink Panther say when he stepped on an ant?

Dead ant, dead ant... dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant...

What do you call a man who graduates last in medical school?

Doctor.

How can you get four suits for a dollar?  

Buy a deck of cards.

A man burned his finger so he decided to go to the doctor. When he arrived at the office, the nurse directed him to remove all his clothes, and wait in the next room. 

“It’s just my finger,” complained the man. “Why do I need to take off my clothes?” 

“Everyone who sees the doctor has to undress,” explained the nurse. “It’s our policy.” 

“Well, I think it’s a stupid policy!” 

From the next room, another man’s voice piped in, “That’s nothing! I just came to fix the furnace.”

How do cats end a fight? 

They hiss and make up.

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”

Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd grade, too!”

Ms. Brooks finally had enough; she took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the situation to the principal. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he happily agreed to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”

Harry: “9.”

Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”

Harry: “36.”

And so it went with every question the principal thought a bright 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “Y’know, I reckon Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”

But Ms. Brooks is still skeptical of the little bugger and says to the principal, “Not so fast, let me ask him a few questions.”

The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”

Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”

Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: “Pockets.” to the Principal’s great relief…..

Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Harry: “Pants.”

By now, the principal is sitting forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”

Now the principal's eyes open really wide and before he could intervene, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”

Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”

Harry: “Shake hands.”

The principal is now trembling with apprehension as Ms. Brooks asks the last question.

Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' and indicates a great deal of heat and excitement?”

Harry: "Firetruck.”

The principal breaths a huge sigh of relief and tells the teacher, “Put the little shit in 5th Grade; I got the last seven questions wrong myself.”

What's the difference between a 'hippo' and a 'Zippo'?

One is really heavy. The other is a little lighter.

Mr. Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While he is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which he was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. 

 

He is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing. 

"Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels and use them to replace the missing ones? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something." 

Mr. Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient. "You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?" 

The patient smiles and says, "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid."

Which king felt that he was a fraction of his former self?

Henry the Eighth.

A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone. 

"I went to get a haircut," was the reply. 

"But," said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service?" 

"Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then."

Mr. Gable had a leak in the roof over his dining room, so he called a repairman to take a look at it. 

"When did you first notice the leak?" the repairman inquired. 

Mr. Gable scowled. "Last night, when it took me two hours to finish my soup!"