A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. 

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are called -- I never heard of circle flies." 

So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse." 

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's rear end?" 

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement to even think about calling you such a name." 

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

When Molly went with her stepdaughter to visit a prestigious university, their student guide pointed out the nationally ranked library and state-of-the-art science facilities. The guide told them that the professors were the best in the world, and she recommended that Molly's stepdaughter apply early to improve her chances for admission. "We get so many applicants," she boasted, "because of the stature of the school." 

After the tour, Molly asked the guide, "So, why did you choose this school?" 

"Oh," she replied matter-of-factly, "my boyfriend goes here."

A pastor was giving the children's message during church. For this part of the service, he would gather all the children around him and give a brief lesson before dismissing them for children's church. 

On this particular Sunday, he was using squirrels for an object lesson on industry and preparation. He started out by saying, "I'm going to describe something, and I want you to raise your hand when you know what it is." The children nodded eagerly. 

"This thing lives in trees (pause) and eats nuts (pause)..." No hands went up. "And it is gray (pause) and has a long bushy tail (pause)..." The children were looking at each other, but still no hands raised. "And it jumps from branch to branch (pause) and chatters and flips its tail when it's excited (pause)..." 

Finally one little boy tentatively raised his hand. The pastor breathed a sigh of relief and called on him. "Well," said the boy, "I *know* the answer must be Jesus ... but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me!"

A Sunday School teacher asked her pupils, "Now, children, do you all say your prayers at night?" 

A little boy answered: "My Mommy says my prayers." 

"I see," said the teacher, "and what does your Mother say?" 

Replied the little boy: "THANK GOD HE'S IN BED!"

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?" 

"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. 

"That's it! I can never remember that word."

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum." 

"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He took it and said, 'Thanks.'"

The lawyer was cross-examining a witness.

“Isn’t it true, “he bellowed, “that you were I given $500.00 to throw this case?”

The witness did not answer. Instead, he just stared out the window as though he hadn’t heard the question. 

The attorney repeated himself, again getting the same reaction - no response.

Finally, the judge spoke to the witness, “Please answer the question.”

“Oh,” said the startled witness, “I thought he was talking to you.”

An older couple had a son, who was still living with his parents. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test. 

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they're not home. The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard." 

So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. 

The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all the three items. 

The father slapped his forehead, and said, "Darn. Our son is going to be a politician!"

On duty, the customer-service rep for a car-rental company took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. The rep asked again for a more detailed description beyond "a blue four-door." 

After a pause, the driver replied, "It's the one on fire."

A man is in bed asleep with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. 

"Hi there." slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push??" 

"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door. 

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down on the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" 

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. 

"It doesn't matter." says the wife. "He needs our help. The right thing to do would be to help him." 

So the husband gets out of bed again, dresses, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push??" He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?" 

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away. 

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him. 

"I don't have to," the little boy replied. 

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house." 

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

Kurt was going out with a nice girl and finally popped the question. "Will you marry me, darling?" he asked. 

Lisa smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink." 

Kurt thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition." 

"What is that?" Lisa asked. 

"You'll have to clean the cage," Kurt replied.

In a small business office they have an answering machine that instructs callers to leave their name and address, and to spell any difficult words. 

Early one Monday the secretary was reviewing the weekend messages and she heard an enthusiastic young woman recite her name and address and then confidently offer: 

"My difficult word is reconciliation. R-E-C-O-N-C-I-L-I-A-T-I-O-N."

"Didn't you suspect burglars had been in the house when you saw all the drawers pulled out and the contents scattered all over the floor?" asked the policeman. 

"No, I just thought my husband had been looking for a clean shirt," replied the woman.

It was the 100th anniversary of the church, and several former pastors and the bishop were in attendance. At one point, the minister had the children gather at the altar for a talk about the importance of the day. He began by asking, "Does anyone know what the bishop does?" 

There was silence. Finally, one little boy answered gravely, "He's the one you can move diagonally."