Contest

I’ve won first place in this Halloween costume contest 16 years in a row. This year, I am dressed as a hot dog. I'm on a roll. #lamejoke

Night

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it's Election night. #lamejoke?

Bouncer

A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and a washing machine steps out adorned in shining jewelry.

She heads towards the door and the bouncer lets her in without question.

The mirror scoffs and stares in utter contempt as the washing machine enters.

A short time later, a dingy looking sink trudges towards the door. He looked worn out and had a large crack down the front of his bowl.

The bouncer stops him and says, 'Not tonight buddy'.

The sink pleads to be let in but the bouncer scolds him for not even attempting to follow the dress code and again refuses entry.

Dejected, the sink steps away unsure of what to do with his night now.

The mirror takes a pull on his cigarette, turns to the bouncer and says 'You need to take a long, hard look at yourself'.

'What do you mean?' replies the bouncer, taken aback.

'That toilet you let in? He's a big shot lawyer at a multinational corporation. Made his fortune shitting all over the little guy and only looking out for #1.'

The mirror continued;

'The washing machine? She launders money for the cartel!'

The bouncer shuffles uncomfortably.

The mirror takes another drag of his cigarette.

'But whatever, I don't even mind that you let those guys in. My gripe is about the guy you left out' said the mirror.

'Hey, what do you want me to do about that?' Defended the bouncer. 'He was a mess!'

'That mess', the mirror imitated in a sarcastic tone

'Served 10 years active duty in the army. Got that crack taking a bullet for you and your country, now needs to collect disability to survive, and you just turned him away like he was nothing'

'You let in those horrible people who make yours and everybody else's lives worse, but turned away the one guy who gave everything he had for the greater good'

The bouncer felt a huge pang of guilt.

The mirror threw his cigarette to the ground, gave the bouncer and stern gaze and said 'Let that sink in' #lamejoke

Cher

A new casino is opening in Las Vegas and Cher is the headline act. In the barely-finished auditorium, the entertainment director has lined up over 20 Cher impersonators, all dressed in different costumes from Cher's long music and acting career.

"OK," says the director, "When the curtain goes UP, I want you all to walk forward AS ONE, keeping in mind that the *real* Cher will be walking in front of you & starting her act with 'If I Could Turn Back Time'. Then you simply peel off to the sides and you're done. And ACTION!"

And OF COURSE the Cher impersonator who's dressed in nothing but duct tape and fishnets takes that as their cue to be a bit special, so they add a bit of a strut to their walk & the director is immediately incensed. "CUT! Back to positions!! SOMEONE has to learn to WALK!"

They start again, only THIS time the director calls "CUT!" and has a MASSIVE rant at the 'Moonstruck' version of Cher, who's been holding her arms up in the air and raising one leg FAR too high with EVERY step in an attempt to emulate the famous movie poster.

They start AGAIN.

THIS time, it's the 'hippy' version of Cher that catches his eye.

"CUT!!!!! Listen, you are DRESSED as a hippy, we can all SEE you're a hippy, you do NOT need to throw peace signs all over the place, just WALK NORMALLY!!"

Everyone goes back to their positions. They start AGAIN.

THIS time, the impersonator dressed in the black sequined number Cher wore to the 1988 Academy Awards brings a replica Oscar out of nowhere and holds it aloft victoriously. The director is BESIDE himself, marches up on stage, snatches the statuette, and throws it against a wall.

The statuette is ceramic and smashes into a million pieces and some of the Cher impersonators start crying. The director LOSES it.

"NO!" he screams, "You have to CHER, and CHER ALIKE!" #lamejoke

Forest

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

And so they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline. #lamejoke

Cheese

Fred was a hard-working artisan who had tried producing many different styles of cheese. Most of these ended in failure. He started with brie, but the result was too breezy.. His Swiss was unholy and his cheddar was very dull. Even his processed American Cheese Product was altogether too real.

At last it came to him that his problem was a matter of proper timing. His most successful effort worked when the cheese became finished on the last day of October. Thus, fortuitously, he created the perfect Halloween muenster. #lamejoke 

Fruit

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well," the woman says, "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden is my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999 my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old, it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden. "

The man can't believe it. "I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!" Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman, "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in college and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain, how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author"

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here. I was an English major in college! I specialized in 19th century American literature, this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it, this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok," the woman says, "well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date." #lamejoke

Drink

A ghoul’s favorite drink? Anything with boos. #lamejoke

Wigs

Two hundred wigs were stolen from a local store this morning. The police are combing the area. #lamejoke

Fruit

Somebody broke into my house and stole all my fruit. I was peachless! #lamejoke

Sousaphone

To fix a sousaphone, use a tuba glue. #lamejoke

Pumpkin

The neighbor's house burned down after they left their Halloween pumpkin burning all night. The insurance company denied the claim. Apparently, it was an Act Of Gourd. #lamejoke

Tower

They warned me not to lean over the edge of the tower in Paris. Eiffel. #lamejoke 

Pancakes

I went to a haunted house where they served French pancakes. Gave me the crepes. #lamejoke

Store

I was actually pretty surprised when the stationery store moved. #lamejoke