How do midwives get paid? 

Cash on delivery.

How did the people behind the latest computer hack escape? 

They ransomware.

How many roadies does it take to change a light bulb? 

One, two! One, two! One, two! 

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Europe.

Europe who?

Not just me. You are too.

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheburg.

This therapist had a theory that couples who make love once a day are the happiest. 

So he tested it at a seminar by asking those assembled, “How many people here make love once a day?” Half the people raised their hands, each of them grinning widely. 

“Once a week?” A third of 
the audience members raised their hands, their grins a bit less vibrant. 

“Once a month?” A few hands tepidly went up. Then he asked, “OK, how about once a year?”

One man in the back jumped up and down, jubilantly waving his hands. 

The therapist was shocked—this disproves his theory. “If you make love only once a year,” he asked, “why are you so happy?”

The man yelled, “Today’s the day!”

What do you call a mom with social anxiety?

Mum.

What did sushi A say to sushi B? 

WasssaBi!

Why didn't anyone want to go to the local tailor? 

Because he seamed like he was incompetent.

Sometimes I have a hard time telling people "No".

In fact, one of my friends gave me a mini-lecture about my inability say "No", and then told me that I really need to choose my "Noes".

To which, I, of course, responded, "No, rhinoplasty is too expensive!"

What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly?

You can't sew a zipper on a mosquito.

A distraught farmer asked a preacher what would happen if he killed a beaver who had begun working near the canal by his farm.

The preacher replied, "Damned if you do, dammed if you don't."

What's the proper way to address a hippie's wife? 

Mississippi.

What do bees call their wives? 

Honey.