Our dog kept chasing people on a bike.

So we took his bike away from him.

Then he just sat in the garden and barked all day.

So we gave him his bike back.

Because his bark was worse than his bike.

What do you call a bald teddy? 

Fred bear!

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room. 

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

 
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2015. We have microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

 
Jon says, "Well, Doc, I tried, but I just couldn't pick 'em up!

The baby pigeon complained to his mother before flying a long distance, "I can't make it, I'll get too tired."

His mother replied, "Don't worry, I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."

The baby started to cry.

"What's wrong?" cooed the mother sympathetically.

"I don't want to end up being pigeon towed."

A jeweler called the police station to report a robbery.

"You'll never believe what happened, Sergeant. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewelry and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away."

The desk sergeant said, "Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?"

"What's the difference?" asked the jeweler.

"Well," said the sergeant, an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears."

"Come to think of it, I couldn't see his ears," said the jeweler. "He had a stocking over his head.

In 1986, Joe Dokes was on vacation in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. 

As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. 

Twenty years later, Joe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his son, John were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Joe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. 

Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe' s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. 

Probably wasn't the same elephant....

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him he said, "I forgot my teeth!"

The man said, "No problem." With that he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Thanks, but they're too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair...try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly!" With that he ate his meal and gave his speech.

After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him. 

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "Oh I'm not a dentist. I work at the morgue.."

A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. 

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"

She left the door to his room open on her way out. He cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door, laughing.

After a half hour, the man's doctor came into the room. 

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confessed....

"Not with a carnation."

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. 

 

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. 

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" 

The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

A thief and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said. 

"No problem, baby," the thief says, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring. 

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a leather jacket in another shop window. "What I would give to own that!" she said. 

"Sure thing, darling," the guy says again, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the coat. 

Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I would do anything for one of those!" she said to her boyfriend.

"Forget that!" the guy moans. "Do you think I'm made of bricks or something?"

"Anyone with 'needs' to be prayed over, come forward to the front at the altar," the TV evangelist said.

Leroy gets in line, and when it's his turn, the preacher asks: "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear, and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays, he prays with all his might for Leroy; the whole congregation joined in with enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the Preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend, it ain't 'til next Wednesday."

A young boy, about eight years old was picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent. 

The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do. 

"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." 

"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him." 

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
 
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing. 

"Oh, he died," the boy said. 

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog." 

"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him." 

"Oh? What was it then?" 

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out. She'd hired a caterer, a band, and a clown. 

Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high in the air.

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. Hey Willie! For $100, would you chop off another toe?"

A research group on sea mammals captured a rather odd porpoise on one of its trips.

Its peculiarity was that it had feet. After they had photographed and measured the poor thing, they prepared to set it free. 

"Wait a minute," said one of the researchers, "Wouldn't it be a kindness if our ship's doctor here were to amputate the feet so that it would be like other porpoises?" 

"Not on your life," exclaimed the doctor, "That would be defeating the porpoise."

A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts. Three in the bulls-eye and win a prize. Only a dollar for three darts. 

The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bulls-eye!! He downs another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls-eyes!!!! Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of the last dart.

Three bulls-eyes!!!

All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks pass...

The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three more bulls-eyes and demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short of memory, doesn't know what to give, so he asks the drunk, "Say, what did you win the last time?"

And the drunk responds, "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"