Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, recently accused George, a local man, of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing.

Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

What's green, black, white, black, and green?

A pickle Oreo sandwich!

Did you hear about the raisin who cheated on his wife?

It was in the newspaper, in the current affairs section.

A guy, riding on a train, had to use the restroom. Suddenly he reached up and started pulling on the emergency cord. The train screeched to a halt, throwing everyone out of their seats. Luggage went everywhere. 

The conductor asked the man, "Buddy, why'd you stop the train?"

The guy said, "I have hemorrhoids."

The conductor said, "Heck, a lot of people have hemorrhoids!"

The guy said, "Wrapped around an axle?"

Where did the seaweed find a job?

In the Kelp Wanted section.

Scientists have announced that we have made contact with an alien race whose planet is entirely covered by one gigantic shopping center.

The skeptical scientists didn't believe it at first, but they've now confirmed that it's a mall world after all.

Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

Because chickens weren't invented yet.

His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, my Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson," said his Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word upon which I am not too clear."

"What word is that?" asked his Lordship.

"Aplomb, my Lord."

"Now, that's a difficult one to explain. I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, my Lord, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer.

Do you remember a few months ago when the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us?"

"I remember the occasion very well, my Lord. It gave the staff and me much pleasure to look after them."

"Well," continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember when Will plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, my Lord, ministering to their needs."

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself deeply into his thumb."

"I witnessed the incident, my Lord, and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty handkerchief."

"That evening the prick on his thumb was so sore. Kate had to cut up his venison from our own estate, even though it was extremely tender."

"Yes, my Lord, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

"The next morning while you were pouring coffee for Her Ladyship, Kate, inquired of Will with a loud voice,

'Darling, does your prick still throb?'

And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! THAT is aplomb."

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Two salesmen have been called to a meeting at a company which is looking to buy one of their products. The decision of which product to buy will be based on these presentations, so for both salesmen it's a vitally important day.

In the board room, the company directors have all been gathered, and the first salesman is called into the room.

His presentation uses a flip-chart, with his diagrams all pre-printed on the pages of the chart.

The pages are all organized in the right order, and the presentation goes completely smoothly. The board are impressed, but they still need to see the other presentation.

So the second salesman is called into the board room to face the directors.

He has decided to use an overhead projector for his presentation, with acetate slides, but it's otherwise much the same as the first one. His slides are organized in a folder carefully in the right order, with bookmarks for important slides so he can go back to them if there's any questions.

The presentation starts off well, as he works his way through the slides, but right in the middle, just as he's reaching the most important section, his ultimate nightmare strikes - he drops the folder, and his carefully organized acetates scatter all over the floor.

In a panic, he gathers them together. But it's too late - his presentation is in chaos. Even without the embarrassment, the sheets are now all in the wrong order, some have gotten dirty from the floor, and there's one particular one that he just can't seem to find anywhere.

He finishes his speech, but he knows even before he's finished that he's lost the deal, and so it proves to be. The final announcement is made in favor of the first salesman's product, and so the second salesman has lost the business.

After all, he who acetates is lost.

How do you get down off of an elephant?

You don't get down off of an elephant, you get down off of a duck.

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an itheberg.

What's green, fuzzy, and, if it fell out of a tree, it would kill you?

A pool table.

What's the difference between zombies?

Zombies make honey, and zombies don't.

The television game show was being recorded. The contestant was in the hot seat for the last big question.

The host turned to him, and read the question slowly and carefully. But the contestant didn't know the answer!

Fortunately, he had a backup plan (there was no way he was missing out on this million bucks!). He let out a piercing whistle, and from the back of the stage, four mounted knights-in-armor appeared, waving their lances threateningly at the show's host.

The host looked scared for a moment, and then a steely look came over him. 

He leapt into the air, and karate kicked the first knight onto the floor. He picked up the lance from the stricken knight, and fought off the second, who also fell sprawling on the floor. The second knight's horse shied, and bolted, colliding with the third knight in the process.

The game show host was just beginning to enjoy himself now. He waved the spear he was still carrying at the fourth knight, looked back at the contestant, and said, "Is that your final lancer?"