Did you hear the one about the sick juggler? 

 

He couldn't stop throwing up!

What do you call a three-footed aardvark? 

 

A yaardvark!

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather? 

An offer you can't understand.

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? 

Tentacles.

What do you call a bee that lives in America? 

A USB.

Did you hear about the Italian chef that died? 

He pasta way.

What happens if life gives you melons? 

You're dyslexic.

What do you call a man with no body and just a nose? 

 

Nobody nose.

What kind of music do chiropractors listen to? 

Hip-pop.

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louis-ville." They went on arguing and arguing until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. 

The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly." 

The waitress says, "Bur-ger-King."

Old man comes into a restaurant, sits at his usual table, and orders the usual — chicken soup.

The waiter sets it down in front of him, and stands back to watch him enjoy it. But the man just sits there.

“Is there something wrong?” the waiter asks.

“I can’t eat this soup,” the man replies.

“Is it too hot?” the waiter asks. “No.” “Too cold?” “No.” “Too salty?” “No.” 

The waiter calls for the maitre d’, and for the chef, and each goes through the same routine: “Too hot?” “Too cold?” “No, no no.”

Finally the chief, at his wits end, says, “Sir, I will taste the soup myself. Where is the spoon?”

Says the old man: “A-ha!”

What do you call a fat psychic? 

 

A four chin teller.

A family took their frail elderly mother to a nursing home and left her, hoping she would be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and straighten her up.

Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her new home.

"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Except they won't let me pass gas."

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on his birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred for real so he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know, I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for words for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well... every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, 'Good Lord, are you still in there?!?'"

A missionary was going in to the most remote section of Africa. He found a native guide that would take him upstream to a tribe of headhunters cut off from civilization. 

In the distance, they could hear drums. "What is that drumming? he asked nervously.

The native replied, "Drums okay, but if they stop, that would be very bad."

The drums continued for three days as they got closer to the headhunters' village. Then without warning, the drums suddenly stopped.

With panic in his voice, the missionary called out to the guide, "The drums have stopped! What happens now?"

The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands, and, with despair in his voice, answered, "Tuba solo."