Why did the chewing gum cross the road?

It was stuck on the chicken's foot.

The great German actress Zelda had done everything but for one thing; she’d never won an Academy Award. She was known for being terribly temperamental and choosy about her parts, but was also known to soften for the promise of the elusive award.

One day she was called by the great director, Meyer Schmidt, and asked to review a new script he had. She read the script and immediately rejected it. “Iss Nicht my type of script, Meyer, and I’ll not do it.”

“But Honeykins,” he cried, “It’s a wonderful script.”

“I didn’t say it vasn’t vunderful or goot, but I’ll not do it.”

“But Sweetiekins,” Meyer continued, “with my direction and your acting and name, it will make us millions.”

“More geldt I don’t need. Ich do nicht like the script.”

“But, Darling, don’t you see? With my connections, I can almost guarantee you an Academy Award with a good performance.”

Zelda thought a moment then agreed, saying, “Oh, I’d luff to be an Oscar veener, Meyer!”

Why did the chicken go to the library?

To check out a bawk, bawk, bawk.

A visiting minister gave the offertory prayer: “Dear Lord,” he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?”

Church was pretty much over at that point…

What's the difference between a nicely dressed man on a tricycle and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

A man and his friend were enjoying Deer Hunting Season in Michigan near a blacktop highway.

A huge buck walked by and the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand.

The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer.

His friend was amazed. “Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known.”

The hunter shrugged. “Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years.”

An old lady tottered into a lawyer's office and asked for help in arranging a divorce.

"A divorce?" asked the unbelieving lawyer. "Tell me, how old are you?"

"I'm eighty-four," answered the old lady.

"Eighty-four! And how old is your husband?"

"My husband is eighty-seven."

"My, my," said the lawyer, "and how long have you been married?"

"Next September will be sixty-two years."

"Married sixty-two years?! Why would you want a divorce now?"

"Because," the woman answered calmly, "enough is enough."

Why do Eskimos wash their clothes in Tide?

Because it's too cold to wash them out Tide.

What's green and pecks on trees?

Woody Wood Pickle.

Once there was this monastery in 15th century Europe that had a problem. The Monks needed funding, and their treasury was low. So they decided to hold a revival meeting (medieval style.)

First, one of the brothers started banging on this really loud, raucous drum, and shouting out the evils of sin. Then they had some minstrels come in and sing a few hymns. After which they preached a sermon, and passed around the collection plate.

When it was all over they evaluated the outcome, and the people of the town decided that all else went well, but all the ladies present said that the pre–minstrel sin drum was really the pits.

How do billboards talk?

They use sign language.

Why did Tigger open the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh.

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

What did Geronimo say when he jumped out of the airplane?

"Me!"

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."