Jack

There once was a man named Jack Masters. Jack was never the fastest, the strongest, or the smartest man in his humble town of Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. He got straight Ds in school, he was a little chubby, and, by most standards of measure, he was very much below average. His teachers used to joke that he would one day grow up to become the Jack of no trades, Masters of none. But don’t worry, that isn’t the punchline to the joke.

When Jack got out of school, it didn’t look like he had any prospects. He continued to live with his parents well into his twenties and he never made much of an effort to find himself a job. He did manage to find himself a job as a janitor at the local elementary school, but it didn’t pay much.

But that all changed one day when the fourth grade teacher - Miss Anne Thrope - realized her car had broken down in the school parking lot. And don’t worry, her name isn’t going to become a punchline later in this story. It’s just a silly name, she’s actually a very positive lady who loves her students and her students love her. But anyway, Miss Thrope was extremely upset because she had a romantic date lined up tonight. She popped open her hood, but she didn’t know what to do because she’s a school teacher and not an auto mechanic. Well, around that time, Jack just happened to walk by her car and saw how upset she was. She explained the situation to him, and even though Jack was just a janitor, he decided to peak inside the hood.

Now, Jack was no genius, but he tinkered with the car a little bit anyway. Amazingly, he found the problem, fixed it up, and told Miss Thrope to give it a try. Amazingly, the car ran more smoothly than it had ever run before. Anne was stunned. She thanked Jack profusely and offered to pay him, but he told her not to worry about it and to enjoy her date.

She told the rest of the faculty and staff about how Jack fixed her car, and they were impressed. And a few weeks later, the school had an accident where during a particularly cold night, all of the pipes burst. The entire school, remembering what Jack had done with Anne’s car, decided to see if he also knew how to fix plumbing. Sure enough, after taking a short look at the burst pipes, it just took a quick trip to the local Lowe’s and the plumbing was not only fixed, but it was working better than ever before. He even improved on things that weren’t broken - the sinks no longer clogged up, the faucets ran a lot smoother, and the toilets flushed a lot quicker.

Word spread around town about Jack and his amazing ability to fix anything. He was being hired for all sorts of work, from plumbing to auto repair to electrical work to professional painting to landscaping to home remodeling. Jack became the town’s most trusted handyman. In only a few years, Jack had transformed the entire town of Truth or Consequences into an unrecognizable modern paradise. The buildings were new and refurbished. The roads were newly paved and clean as a whistle. All of the city utilities well exceeded anything the townspeople had ever known before. Jack had single-handedly transformed the entire town that the local townspeople could be proud of.

But with his newfound fame and glory, Jack became arrogant and greedy. He began to overcharge the townspeople to do work for them. With so many beautiful women throwing themselves at him, it was not uncommon for him to have multiple girlfriends at a time and cheat on them - sometimes he would even sleep with married women. He became a raging alcoholic and gambling addict. And it wasn’t uncommon for Jack to steal valuables from the sites he would work on. Slowly, the town began to sour on Jack, but he was still the best in the business so despite his increasingly repulsive personality, the town still hired him.

One night, Jack was in a bar drinking and partying the night away when he laid eyes on the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in his life. Her name isn’t important, but in a town with people named things like “Jack Masters” and “Miss Anne Thrope” I’m sure it was something silly. He knew right there and then that he had to win this enchanting young woman over. He confidently - and dare I say arrogantly - approached her and introduced himself. She was taken aback that she was in the presence of Jack Masters, the greatest handyman the town had ever seen. The two struck up a conversation, and before either of them knew it, they were in her bedroom making the most passionate love either of them had ever experienced.

But as fate would have it, this woman happened to be married to an especially jealous and angry man. The man had been away for a few weeks on business, but the trip ended early and he wanted to surprise his lovely wife, so he decided he would surprise her with an early birthday present. But when he burst into the room, expecting to see his wife, he got a little more than he bargained for. He saw his wife alright - and he saw the greatest handyman the town had ever seen, but this time doing a different kind of drilling, plowing and hammering, if you catch my drift. His wife tried to explain and calm the situation, but this man was so blind with rage that without thinking, he pulled a gun from the dresser drawer and put a bullet in Jack’s head.

Jack suddenly appeared on a cloud before a pair of pearly gates. Sitting at the desk beside the gates was a tall man in a white, flowing robe. He had a placard that read “St. Peter”.

This couldn’t be happening. Jack couldn’t be dead, could he?

St. Peter stood from his desk, clutching a file folder that read “JACK MASTERS” across the front.

“We’ll well well, Jack Masters,” he began. “I see some pretty nasty things in here. Adultery. Thievery. Substance abuse. And - oh my! You had an awful lot of pride, didn’t you Jack?”

Jack didn’t know what to say. He still didn’t want to admit to himself that he was dead.

“Pride, lust, greed… you know Jack, those are some pretty serious sins. Some might even call them ‘deadly’ sins. You know where we send the people who are guilty of the deadly sins, right?”

Before Jack could respond, St. Peter snapped his fingers and Jack’s vision went black. He stayed in the void for what felt like forever, but the first thing that started to come back to him was his sense of smell, and he smelled nothing but fire and brimstone. He then began to hear the screams of what sounded like thousands of tortured souls. As Jack opened his eyes, he was met with the sight of lakes of fire and the faces of humans twisted in pain and agony for all eternity.

Before Jack had time to process the horrific scene before him, a talk, dark, horned figure with wings approached him. The figure licked its lips and said, “Hello Jack, my name is Pazuzu, welcome to your new eternity in Hell”.

Jack was horrified - he knew he had done some bad things, but he didn’t think he was bad enough to end up in Hell. Pazuzu laughed maniacally, slapped some chains onto Jack’s wrists, and led him to his new eternal resting place.

They came to a small cell with a floor of molten lava and walls containing rows and rows of chainsaws slicing up and down, left and right. For all eternity, Jack would be both burned and dismembered.

But before Pazuzu could chain Jack up, Jack noticed one of the chainsaws wasn’t moving like the rest of them. He pointed it out to Pazuzu, and Pazuzu unceremoniously said that the chainsaw had been broken for a few thousand years.

Jack contemplated for a moment and then asked Pazuzu if he could look at what might be causing the problem. Perplexed, Pazuzu agreed. Within a few moments, Jack got the chainsaw moving and slicing better than ever before.

Pazuzu was blown away by how efficient and handy Jack was. Instead of chaining Jack up to begin his eternity in Hell, he decided to bring Jack around to look at some of the other problems in Hell. He fixed the blades that weren’t sharp enough. He fixed the chains that weren’t strong enough. He fixed the fire pits that weren’t hot enough. He fixed the electric chairs that weren’t electric enough. He fixed the body-stretching machines that didn’t body-stretch enough. In addition to all the improvements, Jack had set Hell up with a whole new power grid that ensured they would never have these problems again.

Pazuzu could not have been happier, so he decided to ask Jack if he could improve his infernal palace, as his palace was thousands of years old and really needed some TLC. Jack agreed, and Pazuzu showed Jack to his palace. Jack got to work and Pazuzu was excited to see what Jack would do. It didn’t take long before Pazuzu’s palace had been updated with beautiful, ornate golden walls with the most blindingly white pillars you’ve ever seen. There was a magnificent grand staircase, a kitchen with the finest marble countertops, and a master suits decorated with the most unique furs and art. Outside, Jack installed a large moat around the palace with coy fish, as well as a large yard with wildflowers, trees, a swimming pool, and a massive barbecue pit.

Pazuzu was so amazed that for the first time ever, he shed a tear at the sight of his new palace. For the first time ever, he felt himself soften up and not want to be so evil. Upon seeing Pazuzu’s new palace, the rest of the demons became jealous and wanted to hire Jack to remodel their own palaces.

Jack got to work, one by one, and transformed the palaces of all the demons into works of absolute beauty. He even branched his work out and created nice amusement parks and upscale subdivisions for the tortured souls. He built casinos for the greedy to always have money. He built brothels for the lustful to always have sex. He built stadiums for the prideful to always have attention. He built shopping malls for the envious to always have more stuff. He built all-you-can-eat buffets for the gluttonous to always have food. He built boxing arenas for the wrathful to always be able to beat each other to a bloody pulp. He built spas and lounges with robotic maids so the slothful would never have to lift a finger to do anything. Truly, Hell was becoming a paradise. His work became so famous that Satan himself had to come and see what Jack had been doing.

Satan stood in awe at the new palaces of his demons. He walked down the clean, happy streets of Hell and for the first time, all the souls who had been damned to an eternity there were suddenly happy to see him. They invited him to have dinner with their families at the delicious new steakhouse on Sinister Avenue.

Satan was impressed, but he needed to reassert his authority over the souls of Hell. He couldn’t have his demons - and especially not the souls that had come here for punishment - to be living more luxurious lives than he was. And so he approached Jack and told him that he demanded Jack build him the biggest, most beautiful palace in the universe - something that even God would be jealous of. If he could not fulfill this task, Satan warned that he would personally devour Jack’s soul.

Jack hesitated at the threat, but knew he had no choice. He had to give it his best shot. And so Jack requested that Satan would need to give him time for such a grand project. Satan agreed, and Jack got to work.

One week went by.

Then two weeks.

Then one month.

Then six months.

Then one year.

Then ten years.

Then one hundred years.

Satan was beginning to grow impatient. He wanted the greatest palace in the universe, but surely it wouldn’t take this long, right? Even the most beautiful palaces of his demons never took more than a few months at most. But Satan sat in wait, hoping that the end result would satisfy him.

Finally, after 666 years, Jack announced that he had finished Satan’s palace. Satan eagerly announced that there would be a grand unveiling in which he expected all the denizens of Hell to attend. Millions of souls gathered around, anxiously awaiting to see what Jack had been up to for all these centuries. Satan was excited, but admittedly nervous. If this palace did not meet his expectations, he would be humiliated in front of all the citizens of Hell and he would never be respected as the Prince of Darkness ever again.

When all the souls and demons of Hell were finally gathered, Satan spoke and announced the deal they had made so many years ago - Jack must build him a palace that even God would be jealous of, and if he fell short of this task, Satan would personally devour his soul.

The crowd held their breaths, knowing how much was on the line. The moment that could transform Hell forever was just a few short seconds away. Would Satan solidify his reign and would Jack be hailed as the greatest soul who had ever entered Hell, or would Satan be humiliated and would Jack be devoured?

Jack pulled the curtain.

It took a moment for everyone to process the fantastic structure that lay before them. A towering castle with spires that reached so high into the sky that they couldn’t see the tops. Ornate decorations featuring spectacular colors that had never been seen before. Amazing shapes that did not seem physically or geometrically possible. Towers built into hills and mountains that stretched far above the clouds. Beautiful lakes, rivers, and forests surrounding the palace, featuring plant and animal life that seemed otherworldly. Some of the structures were so ornate that it seemed as though Jack had engineered entirely new elements out of the void of space. Some in the crowd were driven mad by the sight, as though the beauty of this palace was too much for the human mind to bear. Even Satan himself did not expect Jack to be able to create something this magnificent - it had truly exceeded his wildest expectations.

The demons and the souls of Hell cheered for Jack, but Satan raised a hand, trying to keep the composure of the crowd. “Truly this is a magnificent palace that is fit for your infallible Prince of Darkness. I will be privileged and honored to rule as your Prince from this palace for all eternity. But let us not forget that the deal was the palace must be so beautiful that God himself would feel jealous of it. And so, before Jack’s fate is decided, we must await God’s reaction.”

Jack was relieved that Satan was so pleased with his work, but he remained on edge knowing that he wasn’t out of the woods yet. Would this really be a palace that God would be jealous of?

Meanwhile, the angels and even God himself had been watching the unveiling of Satan’s palace from their place in Heaven. When Jack dropped the curtain, the angels gasped at its brilliance. Even God’s palace paled in comparison to Satan’s new palace. Many angels gathered outside of God’s suddenly unremarkable palace, demanding to be sent to Hell so that they could witness Satan’s exceptional palace in person.

God was furious. He took out Jack’s file and looked it over. Upon reviewing it, he demanded to see St. Peter at once.

St. Peter came in anxiously, and God threw Jack’s file in his face.

“Explain to me right now why you sent this man to Hell!” God demanded.

“W-w-well my Lord,” St. Peter nervously stuttered out, “he was a liar, an adulterer, a thief, and he was utterly consumed by pride. The way he died was he was shot dead by a man after he was discovered sleeping with the man’s wife. Surely a man of such loose moral character should not be admitted to Heaven?”

God slammed his fist on his desk. “You fool! This man transformed a small town into a glorious modern gem! He improved the lives of countless people, and in fact he discovered his talents through an act of kindness - helping a woman fix her car. Of course he was not perfect, but the amount of good he did and the amount of people he helped so vastly outweighs the amount of bad he’s done. Your carelessness has sent this man’s soul to the wrong eternity, and now look at what’s happened!”

St. Peter felt ashamed in the presence of God. “Now bring me my phone and get Satan on the phone!” St. Peter obeyed and brought God his phone, with Satan already on the line.

“Hello? This is Satan.”

“Satan, this is God. It turns out there’s been a bit of a mix-up, we accidentally sent a soul down there that was supposed to come up here. We need to to send him up at once.”

“Oh? And which soul would that be?” Satan asked amusedly.

“That fellow Jack Masters. He actually did much more good than bad and St. Peter made a mistake.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that God, but unfortunately you’re not getting Jack. He’s mine.”

“Now you listen here Satan, that man’s soul belongs up here, and you are interfering in his eternity in Heaven.”

“Did you see the palace he built for me, God?”

God was silent for a moment. “Yes, it’s uhh… it’s okay I guess but this isn’t about that, this is about Jack’s immortal soul.”

Satan knew instantly how jealous God was. He looked over and smiled at Jack. Jack breathed a sigh of relief, knowing that he was safe.

“Well sorry God, but I think Jack will be staying here with me. If you’re in the market for a new palace, maybe talk to Michelangelo or something.”

God was furious at Satan’s mocking tone. “Satan, I command you this instant - you are to send Jack Masters up here at once or so help me I will take you to court!”

“Take me to court!?” Satan exclaimed.

“That’s right, I will take you to court over the fate of Jack Masters’s immortal soul!”

Satan was quiet for a moment, and then he burst out laughing. He laughed and laughed harder than he had ever laughed before. God was furious at Satan’s disrespect and arrogance. “What’s so funny about this?” he demanded.

Satan pulled himself together. He stifled another laugh, took a deep breath, and finally managed to ask God…

“And where are you going to find a lawyer?” #lamejoke