A group of astronauts are on the moon. They've been mining the surface, and have discovered that it really is made of cheese.

One particular area of cheese that they're quite interested in is a large vein of brie, and they've already been there twice, and collected samples to be returned to mission control.

All of a sudden, the radio crackles into life: "Mission control to cheese-base-one - we need you to get a third load of that brie!"

But the astronauts are unhappy with the idea. They try to come up with all sorts of excuses why they shouldn't dig any more...

"It'll spoil the environment if we take too much. We don't want to leave this place looking bad."

"After all - have you ever seen such a site in your life as brie mined thrice?"

What did the surgeon say to the patient who refused to buy health insurance?

All right, suture self.

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift She held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is - it's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

The boy replied, "A puppy!"

Observing the baby one night, a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently, she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening, she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."

Out west, in the town of Diablo, there was a guy named Stanley, who was president of the Creative Credit Loan Company. He was proud of being able to arrange loans for almost anyone.

One day as he was locking up to go home, some tough guys accosted him and started to push him around because he was small in stature and mild mannered. Stanley also held a Third Degree Black Belt in Karate. He counterattacked, and gave the tough guys a thrashing they wouldn't forget.

Of course, the moral of the story is if you're ever out west in Diablo, don't mess around with the loan arranger.

An old man lived alone in Idaho. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Bubba, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.

Dear Bubba,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able
to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old
to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my
troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
For HEAVEN’S SAKE, Dad, don’t dig up the garden!
That’s where I buried the GUNS!
Love, Bubba

At 4 A.M. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any guns. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. It’s the best I could do
under the circumstances.
Love, Bubba

Why did the trumpeter sing up for an algebra class?

He wanted to become a math tooter.

A guy stood over his tee shot for a long time, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring out the wind direction and speed. All this was driving his golfing partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "Just hit the stupid ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse and I want to make this a perfect shot."

"Forget it, man," says the partner. "There's no way you can hit her from here..."

Which cartoon character spends most of his time in the basement?

Popeye the Cellar Man.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said “Who owns the big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said, “I do… Why?”

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!” The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.

The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.”

Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe” and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, “Who owns that big white horse outside?”

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?”

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, “Nothing, but you left your Injun runnin’.”

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Rice.

Rice who?

Rice and shine, sleepyhead!

When my best friend retired, he needed something to keep him busy. Being of good voice, he decided to join a choir. His wife, suspecting he was doing this just to meet younger women, agreed, but just as long as it was an all male group.

After an extensive search he found the only all male choir in the state. This group was constantly trying to recruit new members. In addition, it had a strange philosophy about keeping the voice healthy — they believed that consumption of a certain brand of diet soda and a particular fruit were very necessary for them to continue singing well.

Not surprisingly, they call themselves “The More Men Tab And Apple Choir.”

Why was the artist arrested for graffiti?

He had to draw the line somewhere.

A man who had been in a mental home for some years finally seemed to have improved to the point where it was thought he might be released.

The head of the institution, in a fit of commendable caution, decided, however, to interview him first.

“Tell me,” said he, “if we release you, as we are considering doing, what do you intend to do with your life?’

The inmate said, “It would be wonderful to get back to real life and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you know, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped put me here. If I am released, I shall confine myself to work in pure theory, where I trust the situation will be less difficult and stressful.”

“Marvelous,” said the head of the institution.

“Or else,” ruminated the inmate. “I might teach. There is something to be said for spending one’s life in bringing up a new generation of scientists.”

“Absolutely,” said the head.

“Then again, I might write. There is considerable need for books on science for the general public. Or I might even write a novel based on my experiences in this fine institution.”

“An interesting possibility,” said the head.

“And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.”

I live near a small town and farming community, and the following event happened to a friend of mine, a farmer named Ken Kellogg. Ken raises sheep, and he has this surly, unpredictable ram which boldly tries to escape the pasture at any opportunity. He also has quite a temper (the ram, not Ken).

A bunch of ravens had their nests near by — about twenty ravens in all. Ten ravens make up a swoop, just like more than four sheep are a flock, etc.

Anyway, these ravens loved to harass the ram. They’d fly down into the field and caw at him until he charged at them. Then they’d all fly upward, and the ram would crash into the fence.

Once, though, one of the ravens didn’t get out of the way in time, and he was crushed against the fencepost. The others decided to get revenge. When Farmer Kellogg came out to check on his sheep one day, he forgot to lock the gate properly.

The ravens, working together, pushed it open, and lured the ram out into the hayfield. They flew towards the bailing machine, the ram bleating furiously all the way. At the last moment, the ravens pulled up — and the ram ran straight into the bailer. He came out the other side in a mangled package.

Twenty big black birds came to perch upon him, satisfied, leaving the farmer with two swoops of ravens on a package of Kellogg’s brazen ram.

Why don't elephants like martinis?

Did you ever try to get an olive out of your nose?

Why are horses such lousy dancers?

They have two left feet.

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

The Martini was invented in San Francisco by an eponymous (look it up!) bartender, but it was Charles Dickens who tweaked the recipe. You see, Dickens was having a hard time coming up with a lead character and title for his next novel.

He dropped his quill late one night and left his desk for the streets, and ended up wandering into his neighborhood watering hole. The bartender recommended something new, still concocted with London gin, called a Martini. Dickens asked what that was and asked if he could have it chilled, straight up. The bartender suggested an extra-dry proportion, seven to one. Dickens said fine, and he hoped that was his last decision before he could try this new Martini and get back to his writing.

But then the bartender had to ask, “Olive or twist?”

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?

A stick.

If I have two pinyons, and you have three pinyons, what do we have?

A difference of a pinyon!

What did the cobbler say when the cat wandered into his store?

Shoe!

Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both jumped up and shot it at the same time. They couldn’t tell whose bullet had taken the cougar’s life!

They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed, and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar. However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking. Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a coin for who would get which end. Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar’s rear.

So even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory, Bill thought it was nothing but a catastrophy.

Joe: What do you think of Czechoslovakia?

John: Well, it's hard to say.

Why was the archeologist depressed?

His career was in ruins.

There was this really smart sheep down in Mexico who knew how to make butter and buttermilk.

One night she sneaked across the border and got a job working for a farmer, who set up a roadside stand and told her to try to sell the stuff. Unfortunately traffic was very heavy and the sight of this sheep making butter and buttermilk was so distracting that naturally there was an accident.

The police investigated and issued the farmer a citation for attempting to make an illegal ewe churn on a busy highway.

What's the best way to carve wood?

Whittle by whittle.

A Babylonian general was declared a traitor for leading a revolt. He escaped the night before he was to be executed and hid in an old Babylonian ziggurat, or temple, where he expected to find some of his associates. Not finding them, he began to burn the papers they had left and was immediately recaptured.

Moral of the story: The searchin’ general has determined that smoking ziggurats are hazardous to your stealth.

It has just come to light that some residents who live near the Indianapolis Speedway, home of the Indy 500 auto race, plan to file suit over foul-smelling exhaust fumes from the track.

They are seeking damages for Indy scent exposure.

Two muffins are in the oven.

One says to the other "Golly it's hot in here"

The other one replies "Oh no... It's a talking muffin"

If a seagull flies over the sea, what flies over the bay?

A bagel.