Son

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born, but he is without torso, arms or legs. Nevertheless, the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!

The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father gives thanks to God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs into him and kills him.

The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the bartender in disbelief and asks, "How can you be so cold and callous?"

The bartender says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head." #lamejoke

Peas

I think Joey is crazy. All day long he makes lines of chick peas, black-eyed peas, English peas, and crowder peas. Then he just sits there and looks at them. When I asked him why, he said he was just minding his peas in queues. #lamejoke 

Meters

I'm thinking that the reason Americans don’t use meters is because we have a foot fetish. #lamejoke

Party

The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings.

Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header. #lamejoke

Girlfriend

Joey just told me that his girlfriend was 3 feet 3 inches tall. I said I'd like to meter. #lamejoke

Hacking

Big problem. All the banks' computers crashed as a result of hacking by unknown computer vandals. Enormous amounts of data, accounts, amounts, names, addresses were lost and everything was rendered useless. The various governments, local, state and federal were all called into the investigation to find the perpetrators of the evil deed.

Months went by and no trace of the culprits could be found, Searches of records, records of all internet activity for the past three years were painstakingly examined, the subject of 'hacking' on the internet was microscopically searched for traces of the same kind of processes that caused the monstrous loss, both financial and economical. Finally, after dismantling and piecemeal examination of the dryer lint in the garbage cans of half the population of Los Angeles, a clue was found.

A single minuscule bit of paper, with the ink 99 percent washed away, lead investigators to a small apartment in the town of East Ennui, Idaho. The local records showed the apartment to be occupied by two brothers, Frank and Earnest Lesser. Indeed, these were the culprits. The authorities subjected the brothers to intensive interrogation, over periods of many hours. The brothers finally broke down and admitted the deed. But they each had one item of information that could solve their personal problem. It seems that they had developed another software program to restore everything as it was, with no loss of information whatsoever. As a matter of fact, each of the brothers had developed the same type of program, accomplishing the desired result in a different fashion.

The authorities were in a quandary. If they prosecuted the brothers, the information would never be recovered, if they didn't, they would have gotten away with a monstrous crime. The authorities did indeed make their decision, but it was very difficult.

No one should have to choose between the evil of two Lessers. #lamejoke

Bread

Two slices of bread went on a date. It was loaf at first sight. #lamejoke 

Vehicle

What a person without a vehicle says in the winter? "Ooh...brrr…" #lamejoke

Dali

It is a little known fact that a pharmacist was responsible for saving the career of that creator of really weird, surrealist paintings, Salvador Dali. It seems that the artist accidentally poured boiling water on his drawing hand and immediately sought help at the local pharmacy.

He asked the pharmacist, "What is the name of that medicinal plant that is good to treat burns?" 

The pharmacist replied, "Aloe, Dali." #lamejoke

Auction

I went to an antique auction yesterday. Three people bid on me. #lamejoke

Shortage

This is a tale of tight times in the military. Because of excessive budget constraints, the military housing shortage was very, very severe.

**Voice from the back** "How severe was it?"

It was so terrible that the troops were forced to domicile themselves in the large kitchen pots frequently used for making gelatin desserts. How did the drill sergeant respond to the recruit that complained about the situation?

"We all live in a Jello-Tub, Marine." #lamejoke 

Difference

The difference between a politician and a flying pig? The letter f maybe? #lamejoke

Frogs

Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. Despite all efforts at predator control, the population was declining at an alarming rate. Finn finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see if anyone there might be able to help. Tim looked into the problem and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to reproduce. Tim brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash of this, a toss of that and, most critically, one part sodium. "You mean...?" said Jim.

"Yes," said Tim. "They need mono-sodium glue to mate!" #lamejoke

Dictionary

Do dictionary salesmen take a vow of sell-ABC? 

Upset

A wife, upset that her husband was late again, wrote a dramatic note. "I’ve had enough. I’m leaving you. Don’t try to find me."

She hid under the bed, waiting to see his reaction.

The husband walks in, finds the note, and after a pause… he scribbles something down, then calls someone: "She’s finally gone… yeah, I know, about damn time. I’m coming over. Wear that French nightie, I love you. Can’t wait to do all the naughty things you like.”

He hangs up, grabs his keys, and leaves.

The wife, shaking with rage and tears, crawls out from under the bed to read what he wrote.

It said: "I can see your feet. Also, we’re out of bread back in 5.” #lamejoke