Trees

“One little two little three little oak trees, four little five little six little oak trees…” Don't mind me, I’m just singing some count tree music. #lamejoke 

Prints

This is the story of a fellow that spent the early part of his life working in a photo-development studio. It was a small studio, but he worked hard and developed a large clientele of people who took their film to him to be developed. His control of the chemistry and technology of photography was excellent. In fact, he was given the nickname "Prints" by his grateful customers.

You must, of course, resist the temptation to become suspicious too soon. This is not the story of Snow White waiting endlessly at the Photomat and singing, "Someday, my prints will come." That particular story is much too old for this venue.

Back to our protagonist. He would have continued until retirement as a photo technician, but as so often happens as we grow older, he became victim to certain digestive indiscretions. His increasing inability to digest many common dietary constituents led to that particularly odious problem, flatulence. Now, this is a problem that is well-known to most of us as we get older (and is something to which the younger members of the audience can look forward), but Prints found that the volume of gas he produced was excessive, even gigantic. In fact, it started to have negative consequences in his work and he was driven to see a physician.

Again, you must resist the temptation to jump the gun on this tale. The gases did not make the sound "Honda" and the doctor did not tell him he had an abscess. Thus, this is not the particular story where abscess makes the fart go "Honda"; that also is just too old for this audience.

The propensity to generate unacceptable volumes of gas became worse for our protagonist. Sometimes, however, there is a silver lining hidden within the blanket of adversity, and this was the case in this story. Prints discovered a new talent, one that he would not have known about, except for his affliction. He discovered that he could control the sounds that were made during gas release. After much practice, he could generate musical notes and other sound effects. The overture to a John Phillips Souza march, speeches by the Speaker of the House, the crack of nearby lightning, the long-rolling rumble of distant thunder, the roar of a 727 in full throttle, the mewling of a den of hungry kittens -- all of these and more became part of his repertoire. The audience for such performance art is small, but very enthusiastic. He was forced to give up his photography, and take to the stage in his new showbiz career.

Now, now, is the time to become suspicious. It is likely you may have even recognized the person this story is about -- the fartist formerly known as Prints. #lamejoke

Magician

My magician friend flew in from Helsinki yesterday. He just appeared out of Finnair. #lamejoke

Clone

A very notable scientist invented the first machine that could successfully clone a human being. He decided to test it out on himself, and lo and behold, an exact replica of him appeared at the other end. The scientist was very excited that his machine worked, but when he talked to his duplicate, his clone cursed at him and spit in his face. The scientist was shocked. He tried to treat the clone nice, but everywhere he went the clone would shoot off his filthy mouth. 

The scientist came to the conclusion that his machine actually was a failure, but he had to rid the world of his evil clone. He took his clone to a cliff and pushed him off. The scientist was later arrested and given a trial for murder. Defense maintained that the scientist technically didn't do anything wrong, and that he was not guilty of murder, because the clone was an aberration. The scientist was found not guilty of murder, but was sentenced to five years in prison, nonetheless. 

In the judge's words, the scientist was guilty of "making an obscene clone fall." #lamejoke

Underwear

I told my wife, "Your underwear is way too tight." She said, "Then wear your own." #lamejoke 

Salmon

In ancient times, workers in a popular deli were told that they could eat anything they wanted during lunch hour -- anything, that is, except the very expensive smoked salmon. Thus, were created the world's first anti-lox breaks. #lamejoke 

Hides

Leather is rated based on its texture. Cows with abundant water sources have softer hides, rated A. But hides from cows living in hot, dry climates like here in Arizona are D hide rated. #lamejoke

Nate

A prospector was combing the hills for gold. Determined to make his fortune, he spent many a day following the trails up and down the mountain side. One such day, he was walking wearily up the side of the hill. He heard a voice call out, "Hello, Hello." He turned to his mule and asked, "Bessie, did you say something?" Bessie didn't answer and he turned to go on. "Hello, hello, up there."

he prospector looked around again. He saw a snake on the ground, "Was that you talking to me?"

"Yes, Nate the Snake, glad to meet you."

Now, the prospector was no fool and soon had a plan in mind. He talked it over with Nate, who agreed to the plan.

The prospector built a roadside stand to house Nate and advertised him as the world's only talking snake. People came from all over to talk to Nate the Snake. They made millions and Nate's abode grew.

Now, the government as governments will, needed to build a lever to end the world. And they decided to build the lever right across the street from Nate's abode. People came from all over, first to see Nate and then to see the lever that would end the world. People would see Nate and talk with him about this lever. One night Nate decided he needed to go see this lever for himself. He got down off the pedestal and slithered out the door. A driver was coming down the road. He was driving too fast. He saw Nate. He turned. He saw the lever. He turned back. He saw Nate. He swerved. He saw the lever, he swerved. He ran over Nate. Nate was dead. People were upset. Geraldo broadcasted. People were angry. The driver was brought before the judge.

"Do you have anything to say for yourself?" asked the judge.

"I'm so sorry. I saw Nate. I saw the lever. I had to make a decision. I thought to myself... it was better Nate than lever." #lamejoke 

Colonoscopy

You know, having a colonoscopy wasn’t the worst medical procedure I’ve ever endured, but it was definitely up there. #lamejoke

Frog

This guy is having a bad day. He's in trouble at work and with his wife, so he decides to go to the pub and have a pint. As he's sitting there drinking he sees this little frog come in and the frog goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling and out the skylight. Man thinks, "that's odd" finishes his pint and leaves.

Next day he's on his final warning at work and his missus spent an hour screaming at him so he goes to the pub and has two pints. And as he's drinking he sees this little frog come in and the frog goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling and out the skylight. Man thinks, "very odd" finishes his drinks and goes home.

Next day he's been fired from his job and the missus has taken the kids to go stay at her mother's so the man goes to the pub and has three pints. And as he's drinking he sees this little frog come in and the frog goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling but today stops at the skylight and goes, across the ceiling, down the wall, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor and out the door. And the man goes, "right I've gotta find out what this is all about."

So he goes up the bar tender and goes "excuse me mate, I came in here the other day and as I'm drinking I see this frog and it goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling and out the skylight."

"Then yesterday I'm in here drinking and I see this frog and it goes across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling and out the skylight."

" But today as I'm drinking I see this frog and it goes across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling but this time it stops at the skylight then goes across the ceiling, down the wall, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor and out the door."

And the bartender looks at him and says, "so you're telling me you came in the other day and as you were drinking you see a frog come in and the frog goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall and out the skylight."

"Then yesterday as you're drinking you see the frog come in and the frog goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling and out the skylight."

"But today you come in for drinks and as you're drinking you see the frog and the frog goes, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the wall, across the ceiling, stops at the skylight then goes, across the ceiling, down the wall, across the floor, up the table, across the table, down the table, across the floor, up the chair, across the chair, down the chair, across the floor and out the door."

First man says "yes, exactly "

And the bartender replies, "oh simple. I shut the skylight today" #lamejoke

Underwear

I love putting on warm underwear fresh from the dryer… Plus it’s REALLY fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to. #lamejoke 

Uncle

My Uncle Jim did not appear to be much for words. Nor, was he ever seen to have friends or pets. We thought he was the primordial loner, until one time we caught him with his ant farm. He loved the creatures. He knew more about ants than I knew about the streets in our little town, and he loved to talk about them. Indeed, it was a deep and private affair, and we admired him for it.

One day tragedy hit in the form of a very high wind. It blew the top off the ant farm and his creatures were gone. Practically in tears, he called me on the phone. When I asked what was wrong, he replied, "The ants are my friends. They're blowing in the wind!" #lamejoke

Daiquiri

A physician made it his regular habit to stop off at a local bar for a hazelnut daiquiri before going home. The bartender knew this, and would always have the drink waiting for him by 5:00 PM. One afternoon as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnuts. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with substitute nuts, and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his usual time, took one sip of the drink, and said, "Why, this isn't my usual daiquiri!"

"No," replied the bartender, "It's a hickory daiquiri, Doc." #lamejoke

Mechanic

Then there was the one about the mechanic who didn't wash before going to bed. He woke up oily in the morning. #lamejoke 

Defibrillators

Defibrillators repulse me. #lamejoke