Resolution

I’m thinking that a New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other. #lamejoke 

Jokes

I’ve been told that some of my friends and family don’t want to talk to me anymore because I tell too many jokes. I just wanted to make them laugh and groan a little. Law of pun-intended consequences I guess. #lamejoke 

Niece

Joey took his niece to the hospital because she swallowed a toy train. She bit off more than she could choo-choo. #lamejoke

Toast

The piece of toast in the cage at the zoo was bred in captivity. #lamejoke 

Walking

I was walking down the street, minding my own business, when someone threw a jar of mayonnaise at me. I was like what the hell man?! #lamejoke

Celebrity

The weirdest celebrity Christmas ever was when Eminem sang in reverse and then disappeared. He un-rapped his presence. #lamejoke

Santa

The difference between Santa and a dog? One wears a full red suit - the other just pants. #lamejoke

Monkeys

I bought my wife a cage for one of those long armed monkeys for Christmas. It’s the gift that keeps gibbon. #lamejoke

Math

Not all math puns are bad. Just sum. #lamejoke

Stick

What you get when you cross a father with a stick of Juicy Fruit? The best dad-gum joke ever. #lamejoke

Stocks

I’ve decided to invest in stocks, i.e., beef, chicken, vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire. #lamejoke 

Music

Every elf’s favorite type of music? Wrap. #lamejoke

Bust

My art teacher tried to discourage me from making that metal bust, but I decided to forge a head anyway. #lamejoke 

Gnomes

Almost all Christmas gnomes have red hats. It’s a little-gnome fact. #lamejoke

Letter

Why E was the only letter in the alphabet to get Christmas presents? Because the rest of the letters are not-E. #lamejoke