Released

A violent Timex was just released from prison. So watch out! #lamejoke

Locked

If you ever get locked out of your house, don't panic. Talk to your lock calmly. Communication is the key. #lamejoke

Sweater

Joey tried to claim his sweater from Lost and Found, but they wanted proof that it was his. He had to take a pattern knitty test. #lamejoke

Toes

Whenever I see five toes, I know something is a foot. #lamejoke

Jingles

At first, John Lennon refused to perform jingles for fast food ads, but then he decided to give pizza chants. #lamejoke

Stradivarius

My Stradivarius brand bike did not come with stopping devices. I had to install some to brake the cycle of violins. #lamejoke

Collection

I'm having a difficult time selling my puppet collection. Someone want to take them off my hands? #lamejoke

Prostitution

The government sees an increase in prostitution on the ho, risin’. #lamejoke

Yawn

Is it true women like men who yawn? No. Actually, sighs don't matter. #lamejoke

Stuff

I just sold all my John Lennon stuff on eBay. Imagine all the Paypal.... #lamejoke

Video

The Beach Boys are making a music video

Their producer suggests they should have a celebrity cameo. They make some calls and come up with a list of potentials and they explain it to the producer.

"Okay, we've got some choices: the guy who entertained the troops, Mr. Hope; the TV painter, Mr. Ross; the former host of The Price is Right, Mr. Barker; the guy who played Smee in the movie Hook, Mr. Hoskins; the comedian, Mr. Saget; and the star of The Devil Wears Prada, Miss Hathaway."

The producer looks at them and says, "Well, who's it going to be? Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob, or Anne?" #lamejoke

Soap

When I was young, it was my dream to make the perfect bar of soap. Alas, it slipped away. #lamejoke

Sticks

Sticks float. They would. #lamejoke

Chance Meeting

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to talk to him, with the aim of asking him out.

So she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab a coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure, but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well," says the woman. "A couple of things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden is my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can hardly believe it, and says "I saw them play Cleveland in 1999! It was the first concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each other's houses, but we snuck out, took a bus into the city, and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavilion!"

Naturally, the man and woman are both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough," says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in college and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback. "Get out of here! I was an English major in college! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain!"

They both can't believe it. This has to be a match made in heaven.

"Well buckle up," the woman says, "because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm that had some plum trees. Every year he'd dry some plums for our annual family Thanksgiving, because he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes. I love prunes, you're eating a prune, so this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds, "It's a date." #lamejoke

Soup

I made a soup using only ingredients from the atmosphere. It was a broth of fresh air. #lamejoke