After my Ph.D thesis on hoarding, I was promoted to add-junk professor. #lamejoke

I tried to make a living rowing cows across a river. It was just income paddle bull with my lifestyle. #lamejoke

Irish line dancers have superior form. Hands down. #lamejoke

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?" 

I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later. #lamejoke

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis Presley steak houses. It will be for people who love meat tender. #lamejoke

How do they price hammers? By the pound. #lamejoke

How do crabs get around on land? 

They use the sidewalk.

What did the lazy anesthesiologist say before surgery? 

Knock yourself out.

A factory worker got his arm caught in some machinery, severing it just below the wrist. Unable to work, and with no income, he knew he had to see a prosthetic specialist as soon as possible. 

Sitting in front of the doctor, he explained that no one was willing to hire him unless he had use of both arms. 

The problem was that, until he could get a job, he wouldn't be able to pay for a prosthetic. 

"I'm desperate, Doc. Could you lend me a hand?"

Why do babies come out after nine months? 

Because they get so big, they run out of womb.

What do cannon balls do when they’re in love? 

Make BBs.

How many children does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, it depends on wattage they are. If they're bright enough, they can do it.

Why is origami television so expensive to watch?

Because it’s pay per view.

How much did Santa's sleigh cost him?

Nothing. It was on the house.

What keeps Gouda up at night?

The Muenster under the bed!