How do crabs get around on land? 

They use the sidewalk.

What did the lazy anesthesiologist say before surgery? 

Knock yourself out.

A factory worker got his arm caught in some machinery, severing it just below the wrist. Unable to work, and with no income, he knew he had to see a prosthetic specialist as soon as possible. 

Sitting in front of the doctor, he explained that no one was willing to hire him unless he had use of both arms. 

The problem was that, until he could get a job, he wouldn't be able to pay for a prosthetic. 

"I'm desperate, Doc. Could you lend me a hand?"

Why do babies come out after nine months? 

Because they get so big, they run out of womb.

What do cannon balls do when they’re in love? 

Make BBs.

How many children does it take to change a light bulb?

Well, it depends on wattage they are. If they're bright enough, they can do it.

Why is origami television so expensive to watch?

Because it’s pay per view.

How much did Santa's sleigh cost him?

Nothing. It was on the house.

What keeps Gouda up at night?

The Muenster under the bed!

What cereal makes fun of you but doesn't mean it? 

We tease.

Which animal is the best at barbecuing? 

The grilla.

So, this snake walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "How'd you do that?"

So, a miner and a chemist walk into a geology convention. They approach a table displaying a wide assortment of rocks. 

The chemist points in the booth's direction and asks the miner, "Which is your favorite? Cinnabar or cassiterite?" 

The miner thought for a moment and replied, "Either ore."

What do you call a factory that sells passable products? 

A satisfactory.

What do you call a bird that coughs a lot? 

A phlegmingo.