What do you call a mushroom you can take anywhere?

A portable-o.

What is Roman cheese? 

Cheese that won't sit still.

Joey took his seven year old son to the zoo yesterday. 

While they were walking around, he said, “Look Dad! It's a frickin' elephant!”

Joey was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at them. “What did you just call it?” he asked.

“It's a frickin' elephant, it says so on the picture!” he said. 

And so it did: A F R I C A N Elephant.

Where do eggplants come from?

Chicken plants.

One day, a boy was playing with his friends when they got into an argument.

His friend finally said, "Oh yeah! I hear your mom likes giant purple flasters!"

Confused, the young boy went home. In the kitchen, he saw his mom and he asked her, "Mom. What is a purple flaster?"

His mom blushed and got angry. "Where did you hear that? Don't ever ask me that again! If you want to know go ask your father!"

Now, really confused, the boy goes to the garage and finds his father. "Dad, I asked mom a question but she said I should talk to you. What's a purple flaster?"

His dad blushes and says, "Who told you about that.... you shouldn't be asking me that.... if you want to know about that you should go talk to Father Flanagan at the church."

So the boy jumps on his bike and rides to the church. He goes inside and finds Father Flanagan. "Father I am really confused. I asked Mom and Dad about purple flasters but they got mad and wouldn't tell me. They said I should talk to you about it."

Father Flanagan replied, "Ah, dear boy, you are too young to know about such things... come back in a year and I will tell you all about it."

So the boy, still confused, jumps on his bike and heads for home. As he crosses the street.... BAM! He gets hit by a truck.

The moral of the story: Look both ways before you cross the street.

Why can't two elephants go swimming? 

Because they only have one pair of trunks.

Why do chemists love nitrates so much? 

Because they are cheaper than dayrates.

What did the newspaper say about Pete Townshend's schnoz? 

Who nose.

There are some things I really like.

Like infomercials.

But wait, there's more.

What's pink and fluffy? 

Pink fluff.

How do cows pay for lunch? 

With moola.

What's a chicken's favorite game in  the pool? 

Marco Pollo.

What's a dog's favorite game to play in the pool? 

Barko polo.

How do midwives get paid? 

Cash on delivery.

How did the people behind the latest computer hack escape? 

They ransomware.