What do you do to an open wardrobe? 

You closet.

Which President had the shortest term?

Grover Cleveland. He was the twenty second President.

Rick is sitting in his bar in Casablanca, enjoying a geometry textbook. 

He raises his glass and says...

"Here's looking at Euclid."

If The Rock runs for president in 2020, what's the only thing that can defeat him?

Paper.

The fence around our yard that's full of holes is a fence sieve. 

I strained to make this joke up as I was cooking dinner last night. 

And, as you can see, the punchline is pretty weak and doesn't hold water.

What do you call a temporary teacher fart? 

A substitoot.

What kind of underwear do letters wear?  

Diphthongs.

The five year old was asked at school what he wanted to be when he grew up.

His response? A hexagon.

All I have to say is that he'd better get into shape.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super Bowl, both box seats.

He paid $1,700 for each ticket.

He didn't realize when he bought them that this was going to be on the same day as his wedding - so now he can't go.

If you are interested and would like to go in his place:

It's at St Peter's Church, in New York City, at 5:00pm.

Her name is Nancy.

She's great looking, 5'4", about 115 lbs.

Good cook.

Makes $90,000 a year!

She’ll be the one in the white dress.

Why are mermaids are always so pretty? 

Cosmetic sturgeons.

Which knight had the worst attitude?

Sir Lee.

Joey suddenly realized that his wife had fallen off her horse.

(Which was quite a relief to him, as just an hour earlier he thought he'd gone deaf.)

What did Spock find in the USS Enterprise toilet?

Captain's log.

Why does Yoda smell nice?

He uses de-Yoda-rant.

How many ears does Spock have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.