Why are mermaids are always so pretty? 

Cosmetic sturgeons.

Which knight had the worst attitude?

Sir Lee.

Joey suddenly realized that his wife had fallen off her horse.

(Which was quite a relief to him, as just an hour earlier he thought he'd gone deaf.)

What did Spock find in the USS Enterprise toilet?

Captain's log.

Why does Yoda smell nice?

He uses de-Yoda-rant.

How many ears does Spock have?

Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final frontier.

Joey broke his arm just above the elbow. 

When he went in to have it fixed, they said they would have to put him under. 

He woke up with the doctor looking at him with a very concerned and somewhat guilty look on his face. 

"It seems I have operated on the wrong part," he said. 

Joey looked down and his knee was all bandaged up. 

All he could mutter was, "This is not humerus."

Morty and Saul are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.

Saul, the banker, says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."

Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid.

So Morty is begins tugging Saul toward shore. After twenty minutes, he begins to tire.

Finally about 50 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"

Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money."

When, roughly, does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Tennish.

What do you call a Jamaican that can fly?

Super Mon!

Why did the blacksmith reject his newly forged sword? 

It smelt funny.

Why did the Egyptians build the pyramids?

To get to the other side.

My wife was telling me about this woman who had her dog's ashes turned into glass and then made into a ring. 

At that point I asked my wife if, when I die, she could turn me into a window, so even after I die, I can be a pane.

Why can't pirates finish the alphabet?

They get lost at c.

What do you call Watson when Sherlock isn't around? 

Holmeless.