Pavlov is sitting in the bar.

A customer walks in and the bell over the front door rings.

"Shit!" says Pavlov. "I forgot to feed the dog!"

What does a witch use to tell time?
 .
A witch watch.

Where is the bathroom for IT people located?

At the IP address.

How do you contact a symphony orchestra?

Euphonium.

This farmer asks a scarecrow if he likes his job.

"Well," says the scarecrow, "this job isn't for everyone, but hey, it's in my genes."

Our local brewery is trying to figure out who's been swimming in the vats of fermented apple juice.

They're fairly certain the culprit is an incider.

Measuring the speed of bugs is a great way to enhance any enjoyable experience.

If you don't believe me...

Time flies when you're having fun.

Why are trees useless at eating?

They're all bark and no bite.

First question: "Describe yourself in 3 words."

Joey: "I'm not very good with numbers."

(Thanks, Trish)

What do you call an arrogant criminal running down the stairs?

A condescending con descending.

What material makes the best breast implants?

Mammary foam.

What happens if you go into labor in the ocean?

You have to have a sea section.

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

Why do ghosts shiver and moan? 

It's drafty under that sheet.

What do you call an egg that is neither good nor bad?

Mediyolkre.